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DON'T GO INTO THE WOODS
* (1981, 81 minutes, Rated R)
Just one in a long list of don'ts.
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When this film was released in 1981, it was banned in the UK for being a "video nasty." From what
I can gather, a "video nasty" is any film that a bunch of puritanical types find to have too much
cheap, exploitive violence and gore. Well, now that I've watched the movie, I'd agree that there is
plenty that's nasty here, but it's not the gore.
We open on a lush mountainside on a sunny day. This lovely setting is accompanied by some
very ominous music. Why so ominous? It's a beautiful day.
* (1981, 81 minutes, Rated R)
Just one in a long list of don'ts.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
When this film was released in 1981, it was banned in the UK for being a "video nasty." From what
I can gather, a "video nasty" is any film that a bunch of puritanical types find to have too much
cheap, exploitive violence and gore. Well, now that I've watched the movie, I'd agree that there is
plenty that's nasty here, but it's not the gore.
We open on a lush mountainside on a sunny day. This lovely setting is accompanied by some
very ominous music. Why so ominous? It's a beautiful day.
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Maybe this young lady running for
her life can tell us. She's plenty
terrified, running along a creek
(more like a "crek," actually) when
she trips and falls and... Never
mind, we're jumping over to this a
group of hikers. And then some
other guy who must have a name
like Orville or Poindexter,
birdwatching by a stream. We're
only a few minutes in, and I'd already
consider the nastiest thing about
this film to be the editing.
The music gets all ominous again,
and Poindexter notices a bouncing
her life can tell us. She's plenty
terrified, running along a creek
(more like a "crek," actually) when
she trips and falls and... Never
mind, we're jumping over to this a
group of hikers. And then some
other guy who must have a name
like Orville or Poindexter,
birdwatching by a stream. We're
only a few minutes in, and I'd already
consider the nastiest thing about
this film to be the editing.
The music gets all ominous again,
and Poindexter notices a bouncing
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| (above) The horrifying outdoors. |
tree branch. We see another moving branch -- it's almost like some sort of production assistant
was off-camera shaking a tree! Then a blur, and there's blood all over Poindexter's face. Another
blur, and he has an arm off! Poindexter slumps against a tree, either because he's dead or he's
worn out from being confused by what just happened.
This kind of things happens repeatedly throughout the film, typically to come kind of human
caricature and with each death being increasingly ridiculous. Choice sequences include a couple
of dorky sightseers being pitched off a cliff and landing next to a pair of lovers who don't even
notice, some newlyweds getting their "love bus" rolled (which, of course, explodes) and the death
of a wheelchair-bound man who opts to roll himself through the woods uphill.
There are protagonists in this film -- it just takes a while to realise it. Our quartet of hikers include
pretty boy Peter, the short haired Joannie, the not-as short haired Ingrid and Craig, the Dwight
Schrute of the film. Craig is the experienced outdoorsman of the group, which isn't really saying
much.
was off-camera shaking a tree! Then a blur, and there's blood all over Poindexter's face. Another
blur, and he has an arm off! Poindexter slumps against a tree, either because he's dead or he's
worn out from being confused by what just happened.
This kind of things happens repeatedly throughout the film, typically to come kind of human
caricature and with each death being increasingly ridiculous. Choice sequences include a couple
of dorky sightseers being pitched off a cliff and landing next to a pair of lovers who don't even
notice, some newlyweds getting their "love bus" rolled (which, of course, explodes) and the death
of a wheelchair-bound man who opts to roll himself through the woods uphill.
There are protagonists in this film -- it just takes a while to realise it. Our quartet of hikers include
pretty boy Peter, the short haired Joannie, the not-as short haired Ingrid and Craig, the Dwight
Schrute of the film. Craig is the experienced outdoorsman of the group, which isn't really saying
much.
| (above) The horrifying outdoors. |
| Needless to say, the Dwight Schrute-ish Craig character was the best character in Don't Go Into the Woods. |
Through his Peanuts-like delivery, Craig lays out his "three rules" of the outdoors. And by "three
rules," he means eight:
1) Don't panic
2) Don't follow rivers downstream
3) If you're lost, get up high to see where you are
4) Move ridge to ridge, not river to river
5) Never go into the woods alone
6) Don't jump off logs, because you might jump on a snake
7) Be careful not to get rabies -- avoid any animals that approach you in the woods
8) The most feared animal in the woods is MAN
All of these nuggets of wisdom are unloaded on the others machine gun-style.
Some time later (after a lengthy interlude involving the local police starting to investigate "missing"
persons), Peter has a hissy fit over something and stomps off ahead while the others make camp.
Even after the sun goes down, Mr. "Never go into the woods alone" is completely unconcerned
about Peter.
The next morning, Peter is curled up in a nook and enjoying a morning by the river when he sees
our killer -- who turns out to be a motive-less crazy man dressed up like Hagar the Horrible --
rules," he means eight:
1) Don't panic
2) Don't follow rivers downstream
3) If you're lost, get up high to see where you are
4) Move ridge to ridge, not river to river
5) Never go into the woods alone
6) Don't jump off logs, because you might jump on a snake
7) Be careful not to get rabies -- avoid any animals that approach you in the woods
8) The most feared animal in the woods is MAN
All of these nuggets of wisdom are unloaded on the others machine gun-style.
Some time later (after a lengthy interlude involving the local police starting to investigate "missing"
persons), Peter has a hissy fit over something and stomps off ahead while the others make camp.
Even after the sun goes down, Mr. "Never go into the woods alone" is completely unconcerned
about Peter.
The next morning, Peter is curled up in a nook and enjoying a morning by the river when he sees
our killer -- who turns out to be a motive-less crazy man dressed up like Hagar the Horrible --
| Ladies and gentlemen, our killer. |
swing a bear trap into a fisherman's face. Peter
stupidly should "NOOOOOOO!" and the chase is
on.
Unfortunately for me, the last 20 minutes of the
DVD were messed up, so I don't know how the
movie ends. I'm going to go ahead and predict that
the ending is rather unsatisfying.
Don't Go Into the Woods is a hot mess of a movie
-- the nastiness of the violence and gore can't
compare to the nastiness of the editing, acting or
music score -- but it is strangely hypnotic. It's the
kind of film that's so bad, your higher brain
functions will shut down, bringing you to an almost
zen-like state.
Feel free to create your own ending in the
comments section below.
stupidly should "NOOOOOOO!" and the chase is
on.
Unfortunately for me, the last 20 minutes of the
DVD were messed up, so I don't know how the
movie ends. I'm going to go ahead and predict that
the ending is rather unsatisfying.
Don't Go Into the Woods is a hot mess of a movie
-- the nastiness of the violence and gore can't
compare to the nastiness of the editing, acting or
music score -- but it is strangely hypnotic. It's the
kind of film that's so bad, your higher brain
functions will shut down, bringing you to an almost
zen-like state.
Feel free to create your own ending in the
comments section below.
And after you've created your own ending in the Comments Section, you
can check out some of the other opinions on this film over at:
FULL MOON REVIEWS
OBSCUREHORROR.COM
STRICTLY SPLATTER
can check out some of the other opinions on this film over at:
FULL MOON REVIEWS
OBSCUREHORROR.COM
STRICTLY SPLATTER