DOG SOLDIERS
* * * (2002, 105 minutes, Rated R)
You're the dog now, man!
As I've mentioned in the past, I'm not a big fan of dogs. I actually find them a bit offensive: Besides
dog owners, what other demographic is allowed to walk their beloved Disturbance Of The Peace
around the neighborhood so they can defecate in other people's yards? I can't tell you the number
of times I've fantasied about feeding my cat Ex-lax and then taking him to visit some of the dog
owners in the area, but rest assured, it's a lot.
So I imagine that the true intent of an early scene in Dog Soldiers was completely lost on me:
Taking place "Two Hours Earlier" than the federally mandated opening scene where Nameless
Couple Gets Mysteriously Butchered While Getting It On, Private Cooper (Kevin McKidd of
Trainspotting and "Rome" fame) is auditioning for a spot in an elite special forces unit. He's all but
made it until Captain Hard Case orders Cooper to shoot one of the guard dogs. Cooper refuses,
despite the fact that the guard dog won't SHUT UP already. Captain Hard Case calls Cooper a
wuss, shoots the dog and sends the private packing.
Somehow, Captain Hard Case is not the hero of this movie.
A month later, Cooper's squad is sent out into the Scottish Highlands (though there are no
Highlander sightings) to participate in a war game. By the way, this is a British squad -- we know
this because they say things like "twat" and "taking the piss" and carry on about missing "the
footie" while going through the woods, doing the whole army-guy thing.
That night, as the squad is having A Moment around the campfire (but manly... more like A
Manment), a mutilated yak falls out of the sky.
* * * (2002, 105 minutes, Rated R)
You're the dog now, man!
As I've mentioned in the past, I'm not a big fan of dogs. I actually find them a bit offensive: Besides
dog owners, what other demographic is allowed to walk their beloved Disturbance Of The Peace
around the neighborhood so they can defecate in other people's yards? I can't tell you the number
of times I've fantasied about feeding my cat Ex-lax and then taking him to visit some of the dog
owners in the area, but rest assured, it's a lot.
So I imagine that the true intent of an early scene in Dog Soldiers was completely lost on me:
Taking place "Two Hours Earlier" than the federally mandated opening scene where Nameless
Couple Gets Mysteriously Butchered While Getting It On, Private Cooper (Kevin McKidd of
Trainspotting and "Rome" fame) is auditioning for a spot in an elite special forces unit. He's all but
made it until Captain Hard Case orders Cooper to shoot one of the guard dogs. Cooper refuses,
despite the fact that the guard dog won't SHUT UP already. Captain Hard Case calls Cooper a
wuss, shoots the dog and sends the private packing.
Somehow, Captain Hard Case is not the hero of this movie.
A month later, Cooper's squad is sent out into the Scottish Highlands (though there are no
Highlander sightings) to participate in a war game. By the way, this is a British squad -- we know
this because they say things like "twat" and "taking the piss" and carry on about missing "the
footie" while going through the woods, doing the whole army-guy thing.
That night, as the squad is having A Moment around the campfire (but manly... more like A
Manment), a mutilated yak falls out of the sky.
The Sarge gets everyone to chill out, making as if mutilated yaks
fall out of the sky all the time. In the morning, when the lads
investigate the yak incident, they find a military camp covered in
entrails. A clawed-up and ranting Captain Hard Case is the only
person present, and soon they're all on the run from
suspiciously wolfish assailants. The tension and paranoia are
cranked up... and promptly sent over a cliff into "goofy gore"
territory. Like when one soldier runs off in such a panic, he
impales himself on a tree branch. Or like this exchange, when
the Sarge gets clawed across the mid-section:
Sarge: My guts are out!
Cooper (trying to stuff the fake blood-covered string of wieners
back into the Sarge's "body cavity"): We'll just put 'em back in
then!
Sarge: Argh! They're not going to fucking fit!
You'll be happy to know that they do indeed fucking fit.
The team is bailed out by a lovely zoologist, and the whole gang
holes up in an abandoned house. From this point, the movie
becomes a reenactment of The Alamo, but with werewolves
instead of Mexicans.
fall out of the sky all the time. In the morning, when the lads
investigate the yak incident, they find a military camp covered in
entrails. A clawed-up and ranting Captain Hard Case is the only
person present, and soon they're all on the run from
suspiciously wolfish assailants. The tension and paranoia are
cranked up... and promptly sent over a cliff into "goofy gore"
territory. Like when one soldier runs off in such a panic, he
impales himself on a tree branch. Or like this exchange, when
the Sarge gets clawed across the mid-section:
Sarge: My guts are out!
Cooper (trying to stuff the fake blood-covered string of wieners
back into the Sarge's "body cavity"): We'll just put 'em back in
then!
Sarge: Argh! They're not going to fucking fit!
You'll be happy to know that they do indeed fucking fit.
The team is bailed out by a lovely zoologist, and the whole gang
holes up in an abandoned house. From this point, the movie
becomes a reenactment of The Alamo, but with werewolves
instead of Mexicans.
There are some priceless moments to be had here. One soldier vomits on Captain Hard Case's
head -- you can imagine how much he appreciates that. And the film features the world's first
fistfight with a werewolf. To be honest, this is a really good movie -- a straight-up good movie, not
just good for movies found at The Bin -- right up until we get a good look at the werewolves.
They're kinda like... the glam rock version of werewolves.
head -- you can imagine how much he appreciates that. And the film features the world's first
fistfight with a werewolf. To be honest, this is a really good movie -- a straight-up good movie, not
just good for movies found at The Bin -- right up until we get a good look at the werewolves.
They're kinda like... the glam rock version of werewolves.
| ABOVE: Ace Frehley, lead guitarist for KISS, prepares to deal a death blow to a wounded soldier. |
Part of me kept waiting for them to start playing air guitar and banging their heads to some Quiet Riot.
Somehow, we're pretty much denied the standard "watch someone turn into a werewolf" sequence.
For all we know, the transformation is pretty much like the one depicted in the video below (about 0:45
in):
Somehow, we're pretty much denied the standard "watch someone turn into a werewolf" sequence.
For all we know, the transformation is pretty much like the one depicted in the video below (about 0:45
in):
And can we finish up by addressing the lameness of the movie's title? It's not like the soldiers are
being hunted down by weredogs. Or that the werewolves are special ops. soldiers, combining military
tactics with super wolf powers. Hell, just from the video above, Snoop Dogg has more of a right to be
known as a "Dog Soldier" than anyone in this movie.
I'm certain you can come up with a better title for this movie. So let's here it.
being hunted down by weredogs. Or that the werewolves are special ops. soldiers, combining military
tactics with super wolf powers. Hell, just from the video above, Snoop Dogg has more of a right to be
known as a "Dog Soldier" than anyone in this movie.
I'm certain you can come up with a better title for this movie. So let's here it.
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