DEATHSTALKER II
* * * * * (1987, 86 minutes, Rated R)
The Bargain Bin Review finds its Gold Standard.
Yes, I know: The rating system only goes up to four asterisks. But just like the U.S. Army's
five-star generals, this really must be something special. To convey just how awesome this
movie is, I'll skip over plot, character, cinematography and all that standard review stuff, and go
straight to the rules of the drinking game.
Here's what you do: You and your friends go out any each buy yourself a 40 of malt liquor
(Underage? Try bottles of Jolt Cola... or try watching something else). Settle in for the evening
with a copy of Deathstalker II, and take a drink whenever any of the following happens:
* * * * * (1987, 86 minutes, Rated R)
The Bargain Bin Review finds its Gold Standard.
Yes, I know: The rating system only goes up to four asterisks. But just like the U.S. Army's
five-star generals, this really must be something special. To convey just how awesome this
movie is, I'll skip over plot, character, cinematography and all that standard review stuff, and go
straight to the rules of the drinking game.
Here's what you do: You and your friends go out any each buy yourself a 40 of malt liquor
(Underage? Try bottles of Jolt Cola... or try watching something else). Settle in for the evening
with a copy of Deathstalker II, and take a drink whenever any of the following happens:
- A blatant rip-off of a much better movie
- Gratuitous nudity
- A piece of furniture is broken
- A spit take
- The "Deathstalker" sound effect -- just listen for the
dying synthesizer - Somebody says "Deathstalker"
And if you can still stand -- or are even conscious -- by the
time you reach the exciting conclusion, you're a stronger
person that I.
Alright, I guess I should actually talk about the film. The full
title is Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans, but don't worry --
no titans were harmed in the making of this film, mostly
because no titans appear. Or are even mentioned.
Our hero Deathstalker is a barbarian, if by "barbarian" you
mean "that wise guy from shop class with the feathered
hair." Deathstalker teams up with a seer (played by a
Penthouse Pet, 'nuff said there) and heads off to free a
beautiful princess from the clutches of an evil sorcerer ("Is
there any other kind?" Deathstalker smirks) in order to
become a legend "even bigger than Conan."
From there, I really have no idea of exactly what happens... and I
was sober this time around (remember kids, don't drink and
review). The film is a hodgepodge of chase scenes through the
same section of forest, horrible effects, bad puns, random
toplessness, equally random stock footage from the first
"Deathstalker," zombies, explosions and a G.L.O.W. Superstar. It
all comes to a head with an epic battle involving at least 20
extras.
was sober this time around (remember kids, don't drink and
review). The film is a hodgepodge of chase scenes through the
same section of forest, horrible effects, bad puns, random
toplessness, equally random stock footage from the first
"Deathstalker," zombies, explosions and a G.L.O.W. Superstar. It
all comes to a head with an epic battle involving at least 20
extras.
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| Deathstalker (above) in deep thought. |
Perhaps my favorite moment comes during the final battle, when one of the main villains (the
awesomely named "Sultana") simply leaves. That's right. Sultana all but says, "Screw you
guys, I'm going home," and strolls off in the middle of the climatic battle scene, right out of the
movie.
It is the most beautiful film I've ever seen.
awesomely named "Sultana") simply leaves. That's right. Sultana all but says, "Screw you
guys, I'm going home," and strolls off in the middle of the climatic battle scene, right out of the
movie.
It is the most beautiful film I've ever seen.