BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
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DEATHSTALKER II
* * * * * (1987, 86 minutes, Rated R)
The Bargain Bin Review finds its Gold Standard.
Yes, I know: The rating system only goes up to four asterisks. But just like the U.S. Army's five-
star generals, this really must be something special. To convey just how awesome this movie
is, I'll skip over plot, character, cinematography and all that standard review stuff, and go straight
to the rules of the drinking game.
Here's what you do: You and your friends go out any each buy yourself a 40 of malt liquor
(Underage? Try bottles of Jolt Cola... or try watching something else). Settle in for the evening
with a copy of Deathstalker II, and take a drink whenever any of the following happens:
* * * * * (1987, 86 minutes, Rated R)
The Bargain Bin Review finds its Gold Standard.
Yes, I know: The rating system only goes up to four asterisks. But just like the U.S. Army's five-
star generals, this really must be something special. To convey just how awesome this movie
is, I'll skip over plot, character, cinematography and all that standard review stuff, and go straight
to the rules of the drinking game.
Here's what you do: You and your friends go out any each buy yourself a 40 of malt liquor
(Underage? Try bottles of Jolt Cola... or try watching something else). Settle in for the evening
with a copy of Deathstalker II, and take a drink whenever any of the following happens:
- A blatant rip-off of a much better movie
- Gratuitous nudity
- A piece of furniture is broken
- A spit take
- The "Deathstalker" sound effect -- just listen for the dying synthesizer
- Somebody says "Deathstalker"
And if you can still stand -- or are even conscious
-- by the time you reach the exciting conclusion,
you're a stronger person that I.
Alright, I guess I should actually talk about the
film. The full title is Deathstalker II: Duel of the
Titans, but don't worry -- no titans were harmed
in the making of this film, mostly because no
titans appear. Or are even mentioned.
Our hero Deathstalker is a barbarian, if by
"barbarian" you mean "that wise guy from shop
class with the feathered hair." Deathstalker
teams up with a seer (played by a Penthouse
Pet, 'nuff said there) and heads off to free a
beautiful princess from the clutches of an evil
sorcerer ("Is there any other kind?" Deathstalker
smirks) in order to become a legend "even
bigger than Conan."
-- by the time you reach the exciting conclusion,
you're a stronger person that I.
Alright, I guess I should actually talk about the
film. The full title is Deathstalker II: Duel of the
Titans, but don't worry -- no titans were harmed
in the making of this film, mostly because no
titans appear. Or are even mentioned.
Our hero Deathstalker is a barbarian, if by
"barbarian" you mean "that wise guy from shop
class with the feathered hair." Deathstalker
teams up with a seer (played by a Penthouse
Pet, 'nuff said there) and heads off to free a
beautiful princess from the clutches of an evil
sorcerer ("Is there any other kind?" Deathstalker
smirks) in order to become a legend "even
bigger than Conan."
script language="javascript" src="http://www.polldaddy.com/p/131668.js">
From there, I really have no idea of exactly what happens... and I was sober this time around
(remember kids, don't drink and review). The film is a hodgepodge of chase scenes through
the same section of forest, horrible effects, bad puns, random toplessness, equally random
stock footage from the first "Deathstalker," zombies, explosions and a G.L.O.W. Superstar. It all
comes to a head with an epic battle involving at least 20 extras.
Perhaps my favorite moment comes during the final battle, when one of the main villains (the
awesomely named "Sultana") simply leaves. That's right. Sultana all but says, "Screw you guys,
I'm going home," and strolls off in the middle of the climatic battle scene, right out of the movie.
It is the most beautiful film I've ever seen.
(remember kids, don't drink and review). The film is a hodgepodge of chase scenes through
the same section of forest, horrible effects, bad puns, random toplessness, equally random
stock footage from the first "Deathstalker," zombies, explosions and a G.L.O.W. Superstar. It all
comes to a head with an epic battle involving at least 20 extras.
Perhaps my favorite moment comes during the final battle, when one of the main villains (the
awesomely named "Sultana") simply leaves. That's right. Sultana all but says, "Screw you guys,
I'm going home," and strolls off in the middle of the climatic battle scene, right out of the movie.
It is the most beautiful film I've ever seen.
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