DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS
* * * * (1977, 80 minutes, Unrated)
Yes, the title pretty much says it all.
The movie opens on a blank screen with only the sound of someone eating a carrot... or maybe
celery? Hard to say, but as you might have guessed, the "title character" is not a vegetarian. I
thought I'd be able to write this review based on the title alone, but no. This movie is even weirder
than that.
The federally mandated opening scene casualties: A young couple hikes a long ways away to an
old, abandoned estate for some picnic nookie. The demon that possesses the bed (and how
pissed must that demon be to be stuck in a frickin' BED?) steers the young lovers into its room.
Not being the least bit suspicious that an old, abandoned estate has a pristine bed with
immaculate sheets, the couple lays out the most pathetic picnic ever (two apples, red wine and
KFC) on the Bed before going at it.
Here's the awesome part: While they're making out, the Bed begins to secrete what I can only
describe as cream soda foam and ingests the picnic food, starting with the apples. We watch the
apples sink down into the food's "stomach" to be "eaten" with a lighting filter that obviously inspired
Serrano's Piss Christ. And then -- ready for this? -- the Bed spits out the apple cores. Hey, it's a
demon, not a savage.
* * * * (1977, 80 minutes, Unrated)
Yes, the title pretty much says it all.
The movie opens on a blank screen with only the sound of someone eating a carrot... or maybe
celery? Hard to say, but as you might have guessed, the "title character" is not a vegetarian. I
thought I'd be able to write this review based on the title alone, but no. This movie is even weirder
than that.
The federally mandated opening scene casualties: A young couple hikes a long ways away to an
old, abandoned estate for some picnic nookie. The demon that possesses the bed (and how
pissed must that demon be to be stuck in a frickin' BED?) steers the young lovers into its room.
Not being the least bit suspicious that an old, abandoned estate has a pristine bed with
immaculate sheets, the couple lays out the most pathetic picnic ever (two apples, red wine and
KFC) on the Bed before going at it.
Here's the awesome part: While they're making out, the Bed begins to secrete what I can only
describe as cream soda foam and ingests the picnic food, starting with the apples. We watch the
apples sink down into the food's "stomach" to be "eaten" with a lighting filter that obviously inspired
Serrano's Piss Christ. And then -- ready for this? -- the Bed spits out the apple cores. Hey, it's a
demon, not a savage.
| In 1977, audiences watch the Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (top) have itself a feast. Then in 1989, Andres Serrano exhibits the controversial photo Piss Christ (below). COINCIDENCE?!? |
Oh, and then to the surprise of absolutely no one, the
Bed eats the couple.
So here's the main gist of the story: Many years ago,
th-- ah, who cares? IT'S A BED THAT EATS PEOPLE!!
You've either already added this movie to your Netflix
queue or you've moved on to read something else.
Still with me? Cool. The film is narrated by a ghost
forced to haunt a painting in the Bed's room, from
which the ghost makes cynical remarks a faux-British
accent. Our BritGhost narrator seems to have an odd
relationship with the Bed, alternating between taunting
it (sadly, he never busts out with anything like, "Hey,
what has four legs and can't move? A BED!") and
sympathizing with it. That's probably the kind of thing
that happens when your only companion for decades
is a frickin' bed.
If you can sit through the crappy film quality and
sluggish pacing that are the trademark qualities of a
'70s cult film, then this is a must-see for you. Though
speaking of sluggish pacing, I have to confess that I
fast-forwarded through one scene: a woman dragging
herself across the floor of the Bed's room to the
doorway. There's nothing gratuitous or horrific or
upsetting about the scene -- it just takes her damn
near forever to reach the door.
But don't let that one scene steer you away from this
gem. Need any more enticing? Then I have two words
for you: "Skeleton hands." Enjoy.
Bed eats the couple.
So here's the main gist of the story: Many years ago,
th-- ah, who cares? IT'S A BED THAT EATS PEOPLE!!
You've either already added this movie to your Netflix
queue or you've moved on to read something else.
Still with me? Cool. The film is narrated by a ghost
forced to haunt a painting in the Bed's room, from
which the ghost makes cynical remarks a faux-British
accent. Our BritGhost narrator seems to have an odd
relationship with the Bed, alternating between taunting
it (sadly, he never busts out with anything like, "Hey,
what has four legs and can't move? A BED!") and
sympathizing with it. That's probably the kind of thing
that happens when your only companion for decades
is a frickin' bed.
If you can sit through the crappy film quality and
sluggish pacing that are the trademark qualities of a
'70s cult film, then this is a must-see for you. Though
speaking of sluggish pacing, I have to confess that I
fast-forwarded through one scene: a woman dragging
herself across the floor of the Bed's room to the
doorway. There's nothing gratuitous or horrific or
upsetting about the scene -- it just takes her damn
near forever to reach the door.
But don't let that one scene steer you away from this
gem. Need any more enticing? Then I have two words
for you: "Skeleton hands." Enjoy.
One last note: Though this film was first
shown in 1977, it wasn't officially released
until 2003. Apparently, the brainiac who came
up with the concept of a bed that eats people
showed the film around, couldn't get it sold,
and then forgot about the film until he
discovered that pirated copies had been
floating around Europe for 25 years.
That's right. He forgot that he made the film.
You know how common it is to completely
forget that you wrote, directed and produced
your own feature film. Wanna guess how
many film credits he has? Just this one.
shown in 1977, it wasn't officially released
until 2003. Apparently, the brainiac who came
up with the concept of a bed that eats people
showed the film around, couldn't get it sold,
and then forgot about the film until he
discovered that pirated copies had been
floating around Europe for 25 years.
That's right. He forgot that he made the film.
You know how common it is to completely
forget that you wrote, directed and produced
your own feature film. Wanna guess how
many film credits he has? Just this one.
| '09 Binnie Winner! |
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