DEAD SEXY
* (2000, 89 minutes, Unrated)
Dead Boring.
At least this movie knows why you're watching: We have to wait a whole 35 seconds to get to the
first soft-core sex scene. And yes, I did time it. There's Random Busty Blonde #1, bouncing away
on top while the lucky guy tries very hard to stay very still, almost as if he's pretending to not be
there. This is The "Dead Sexy" Special, the preferred position used throughout this movie.
A sure sign that I'm getting old? During the entire scene, all I could wonder is why someone would
set up a king-sized bed in the middle of a hotel lobby.
Eventually, this too ends, and once Random Busty Blonde #1 covers up, Mr. I'm Not Here shows
his gratitude by throwing a dummy wearing her robe off the balcony. Down a million-zillion stories
into the hotel pool. Sadly, no Olympic judges are on hand.
Predictably, this scene becomes a crime scene, and we meet our hero. Shannon Tweed IS
Detective Kate McBain... no known relation to the McBain on The Simpsons. McBain is one tough
* (2000, 89 minutes, Unrated)
Dead Boring.
At least this movie knows why you're watching: We have to wait a whole 35 seconds to get to the
first soft-core sex scene. And yes, I did time it. There's Random Busty Blonde #1, bouncing away
on top while the lucky guy tries very hard to stay very still, almost as if he's pretending to not be
there. This is The "Dead Sexy" Special, the preferred position used throughout this movie.
A sure sign that I'm getting old? During the entire scene, all I could wonder is why someone would
set up a king-sized bed in the middle of a hotel lobby.
Eventually, this too ends, and once Random Busty Blonde #1 covers up, Mr. I'm Not Here shows
his gratitude by throwing a dummy wearing her robe off the balcony. Down a million-zillion stories
into the hotel pool. Sadly, no Olympic judges are on hand.
Predictably, this scene becomes a crime scene, and we meet our hero. Shannon Tweed IS
Detective Kate McBain... no known relation to the McBain on The Simpsons. McBain is one tough
| Sadly, Rainier Wolfcastle's McBain is not the McBain who appears in this film. |
cookie from "Frisco" who don't take no guff from the men in
the department (and they are guff-filled). McBain is also the
only one who believes that there's a serial killer at work in
L.A., targeting beautiful, blonde "investment bankers"
wearing a specific brand and shade of lipstick. All of these,
ahem, "investment bankers," appear to have been lured into
soft-core sex by champagne and smooth jazz, only to be
strangled and thrown from a comically high location.
Naturally, all the men in the department think it's all a
coincidence.
McBain eventually tracks down the lead suspect, the
ridiculously named Blue Dresden. Of course, McBain MUST
go
undercover as a new escort. McBain's contact warned her
that Blue would sweep her off her feet, and Blue makes good
the department (and they are guff-filled). McBain is also the
only one who believes that there's a serial killer at work in
L.A., targeting beautiful, blonde "investment bankers"
wearing a specific brand and shade of lipstick. All of these,
ahem, "investment bankers," appear to have been lured into
soft-core sex by champagne and smooth jazz, only to be
strangled and thrown from a comically high location.
Naturally, all the men in the department think it's all a
coincidence.
McBain eventually tracks down the lead suspect, the
ridiculously named Blue Dresden. Of course, McBain MUST
go
undercover as a new escort. McBain's contact warned her
that Blue would sweep her off her feet, and Blue makes good
on that by... taking McBain to a strip club and forcing her to watch him get lap dances. Awkward.
After a few more awkward moments, such as watching McBain unpack in a room full of lit candles
and a close-talking bell boy, the movie starts to morph into a sort of soft-core C.S.I. Worse, around
After a few more awkward moments, such as watching McBain unpack in a room full of lit candles
and a close-talking bell boy, the movie starts to morph into a sort of soft-core C.S.I. Worse, around
| A new, strange formula: C.S.I. + soft-core = Zzzzzzzzz |
the one-hour mark, everyone stops having
sex altogether, bringing the movie from
soft-core C.S.I. to C.S.I. on cough syrup.
They even try throwing in an element of
Basic Instinct -- and I love me some Basic
Instinct -- and still, zzzzzzzzzz.
Apparently, there are some things that lots
of gratuitous nudity can't fix, cuz this movie
is just Dead Boring.
sex altogether, bringing the movie from
soft-core C.S.I. to C.S.I. on cough syrup.
They even try throwing in an element of
Basic Instinct -- and I love me some Basic
Instinct -- and still, zzzzzzzzzz.
Apparently, there are some things that lots
of gratuitous nudity can't fix, cuz this movie
is just Dead Boring.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
