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THE DA VINCI TREASURE
* (2006, 91 minutes, Rated R)
A treasure-trove of terrible filmmaking.
You remember "The Da Vinci Code," don't ya? It was a smash-hit thriller from author Dan Brown,
about a murder in the Louvre and a symbol expert who is not at all like Harrison Ford running
about Europe to over-analyze the various works of Leonardo Da Vinci. You might also remember
the movie, starring a mis-cast Tom Hanks sporting Nic Cage-esque hair.
* (2006, 91 minutes, Rated R)
A treasure-trove of terrible filmmaking.
You remember "The Da Vinci Code," don't ya? It was a smash-hit thriller from author Dan Brown,
about a murder in the Louvre and a symbol expert who is not at all like Harrison Ford running
about Europe to over-analyze the various works of Leonardo Da Vinci. You might also remember
the movie, starring a mis-cast Tom Hanks sporting Nic Cage-esque hair.
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Despite what the critics say, the book isn't that bad so
long as you don't expect quality literature. It also helps
greatly if you've never read a Dan Brown book and never,
ever read another Dan Brown book again.
A mockbuster of The Da Vinci Code was inevitable. And
there are no qualifiers to save it.
We open with lots of flashy, fast-moving establishing
shots of London, where two men are breaking into a
mansion literally behind the backs of two armed guards.
Upon their entry, we find out that one of the breaker-iners
is one of The Asylum's superstars, C. Thomas Howell.
We get our first appearance of the Handicaptions,
Bleeping Digital Edition [TM], which inform us that CTH is
not a master thief but a forensic anthropologist. I guess
burglary helps when the grant money runs low. We also
learn such helpful information as his height, nationality
and eye color.
They sneak around, and there's lots of unnecessary
flashing and swooshing and for cryin' out loud, give it a
long as you don't expect quality literature. It also helps
greatly if you've never read a Dan Brown book and never,
ever read another Dan Brown book again.
A mockbuster of The Da Vinci Code was inevitable. And
there are no qualifiers to save it.
We open with lots of flashy, fast-moving establishing
shots of London, where two men are breaking into a
mansion literally behind the backs of two armed guards.
Upon their entry, we find out that one of the breaker-iners
is one of The Asylum's superstars, C. Thomas Howell.
We get our first appearance of the Handicaptions,
Bleeping Digital Edition [TM], which inform us that CTH is
not a master thief but a forensic anthropologist. I guess
burglary helps when the grant money runs low. We also
learn such helpful information as his height, nationality
and eye color.
They sneak around, and there's lots of unnecessary
flashing and swooshing and for cryin' out loud, give it a
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| Mr. Hanks will not be answering questions about "his" hair. |
rest! We're only four minutes in and this film is already pissing me off.
CTH skips by the seemingly important Da Vinci Spectacles for a pile of musty old Da Vinci papers,
where he find the "lost Da Vinci codex." What's a codex? It's important, so shut up! CTH's buddy
tries to kill him for it, and fails. That brings on the heat, and CTH makes what would have been a
pretty exciting escape in the hands of a competent director or an editor with even a shred of
restraint.
(Peter Mervis, the genius behind Snakes on a Train, served as both editor and director of this film.
Now we know exactly who to blame -- thanks, Petey!)
CTH escapes to a car parked next door, where he sits and looks at the codex. Into the back seat
hops a blonde, green-eyed anthropologist -- we know she's sexy cuz the very first shot of her is of
her chest, and that she's trouble because she quickly points a gun at CTH and tells him to "join us."
CTH runs into an alley, and is immediately surrounded by numerous cars and armed thugs. Out of
the back of one car comes Lance "Bishop" Henriksen, and the Handicaptions bleep that he's a
green-eyed anthropologist, too.
CTH skips by the seemingly important Da Vinci Spectacles for a pile of musty old Da Vinci papers,
where he find the "lost Da Vinci codex." What's a codex? It's important, so shut up! CTH's buddy
tries to kill him for it, and fails. That brings on the heat, and CTH makes what would have been a
pretty exciting escape in the hands of a competent director or an editor with even a shred of
restraint.
(Peter Mervis, the genius behind Snakes on a Train, served as both editor and director of this film.
Now we know exactly who to blame -- thanks, Petey!)
CTH escapes to a car parked next door, where he sits and looks at the codex. Into the back seat
hops a blonde, green-eyed anthropologist -- we know she's sexy cuz the very first shot of her is of
her chest, and that she's trouble because she quickly points a gun at CTH and tells him to "join us."
CTH runs into an alley, and is immediately surrounded by numerous cars and armed thugs. Out of
the back of one car comes Lance "Bishop" Henriksen, and the Handicaptions bleep that he's a
green-eyed anthropologist, too.
I'm starting to think that the filmmakers know
what an anthropologist is.
After Mr. Henriksen beats up CTH and takes
his milk money (and the codex), we finally
meet a character who isn't a green-eyed
American anthropologist. Instead, she's a
brown-eyed Italian linguist/theologian. Of
what an anthropologist is.
After Mr. Henriksen beats up CTH and takes
his milk money (and the codex), we finally
meet a character who isn't a green-eyed
American anthropologist. Instead, she's a
brown-eyed Italian linguist/theologian. Of
| Green eyes: So common these days... |
course. Miss Italy's main contribution to the film is to give someone for CTH to talk to and to wear
low-cut shirts.
As best as I can tell, the main plot consists of a race between CTH and Mr. Henriksen to get to Da
Vinci's hidden treasure. Much of the film goes like this: Whoosh-flash-swoosh! CTH thinks
low-cut shirts.
As best as I can tell, the main plot consists of a race between CTH and Mr. Henriksen to get to Da
Vinci's hidden treasure. Much of the film goes like this: Whoosh-flash-swoosh! CTH thinks
hard! Whoosh-flash-swoosh! He steals some
alarmingly unsecured holy artifact that has a clue.
Whoosh-flash-swoosh! Mr. Henriksen's thugs takes
it away from him.
It's all very exhausting and annoying and it's hard to
remember why anyone is doing what they're doing.
Speaking of trying to understand why people are
doing what they're doing, what the hell is Lance
Henriksen doing in this film, anyway? The guy
clearly has some serious acting chops (come to
think of it, CTH is no slouch, either) -- nobody wants
to hire a Golden Globe-nominated actor? How much
of a pain in the ass is it to work with this guy?
After an eternity of bouncing around Europe, CTH
and Miss Italy end up finding the final resting place of
the treasure in Afghanistan under a millimeter of
sand. The exciting climax involves CTH doing math
in his head, and Mr. Henriksen being able to
alarmingly unsecured holy artifact that has a clue.
Whoosh-flash-swoosh! Mr. Henriksen's thugs takes
it away from him.
It's all very exhausting and annoying and it's hard to
remember why anyone is doing what they're doing.
Speaking of trying to understand why people are
doing what they're doing, what the hell is Lance
Henriksen doing in this film, anyway? The guy
clearly has some serious acting chops (come to
think of it, CTH is no slouch, either) -- nobody wants
to hire a Golden Globe-nominated actor? How much
of a pain in the ass is it to work with this guy?
After an eternity of bouncing around Europe, CTH
and Miss Italy end up finding the final resting place of
the treasure in Afghanistan under a millimeter of
sand. The exciting climax involves CTH doing math
in his head, and Mr. Henriksen being able to
| "They're always after me lucky charms." -- Leonardo da Vinci |
teleport past booby traps that caused tunnels to completely cave in.
The final moments of this mess involve our heroes being protected by a holy relic, and it's meant
to really make you think. Unfortunately, all it made me think was that making this movie was a
terrible idea.
The final moments of this mess involve our heroes being protected by a holy relic, and it's meant
to really make you think. Unfortunately, all it made me think was that making this movie was a
terrible idea.
We like to say that the Bargain Bin Review reviews "the movies no one
else will touch." When we say that, we're not talking about extreme
exploitation films. We're talking about films like The Da Vinci Treasure,
which absolutely none of our Friends of the Bin have covered.
Not that we blame them.
Instead, you can enjoy this trailer for the film. That's about as much of the
film as we can recommend.
else will touch." When we say that, we're not talking about extreme
exploitation films. We're talking about films like The Da Vinci Treasure,
which absolutely none of our Friends of the Bin have covered.
Not that we blame them.
Instead, you can enjoy this trailer for the film. That's about as much of the
film as we can recommend.
| '12 Binnie Winner! |