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CLUB VAMPIRE
* (1997, 77 minutes, Rated R)
Plays like a dime store David Lynch.
My father in-law and I don’t often see eye-to-eye. That’s not a dig on him -- I'm just stating one of
nature's statistical likelihoods. But there are two things that we completely agree on: the
awesomeness of the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn, and the awesomeness of crappy straight-to-video
movies. So this past Labor Day, when he unearthed a box of videos with the glee of a 12-year-old
about to light off some M-80s, I knew I was in for something special.
Yes, I think “special” is the right word for this movie.
Club Vampire is the story of sexy vampires (don’t get me started) brooding and bloodsucking in
Los Angeles, which meant the film made me want to bash my own head in with a tire iron before
I'd even hit the PLAY button.
The film stars John Savage, who you might know from such films as… Yeah, I dunno. IMDB.com
lists over 150 movie credits to his name, but the best I can do is kinda remember him being in The
Deer Hunter. Savage plays Zero, who admits in a trite voice-over opening monologue that he’s
“not human” and “is not allowed to use the V-word.” As a century-old vampire who has lost his
taste for blood and longs to see daylight again, Zero has the potential of being a compelling
protagonist. That potential is immediately trashed by Zero’s distracting lip piercing and the fact
that he talks like Fenster from The Usual Suspects.
* (1997, 77 minutes, Rated R)
Plays like a dime store David Lynch.
My father in-law and I don’t often see eye-to-eye. That’s not a dig on him -- I'm just stating one of
nature's statistical likelihoods. But there are two things that we completely agree on: the
awesomeness of the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn, and the awesomeness of crappy straight-to-video
movies. So this past Labor Day, when he unearthed a box of videos with the glee of a 12-year-old
about to light off some M-80s, I knew I was in for something special.
Yes, I think “special” is the right word for this movie.
Club Vampire is the story of sexy vampires (don’t get me started) brooding and bloodsucking in
Los Angeles, which meant the film made me want to bash my own head in with a tire iron before
I'd even hit the PLAY button.
The film stars John Savage, who you might know from such films as… Yeah, I dunno. IMDB.com
lists over 150 movie credits to his name, but the best I can do is kinda remember him being in The
Deer Hunter. Savage plays Zero, who admits in a trite voice-over opening monologue that he’s
“not human” and “is not allowed to use the V-word.” As a century-old vampire who has lost his
taste for blood and longs to see daylight again, Zero has the potential of being a compelling
protagonist. That potential is immediately trashed by Zero’s distracting lip piercing and the fact
that he talks like Fenster from The Usual Suspects.
 |
Zero is also smitten with a single mom who works as a dancer
at one of those weird fetish clubs that features lots of glittery
clothing, crappy jazz and performers trying really really hard to
be sexy. Example: Topless women playing Twister. While I
think it would be fun to play Twister with topless women,
watching topless women play Twister is just… kinda weird.
Also: Note that the club in Club Vampire is not a club for
vampires, which makes the film’s title irritatingly inaccurate.
Also also: The fetish-dancer single mom was apparently one of
the inspirations for Elizabeth Berkley’s character in Showgirls,
as both characters behave like feral cats and lack actual
dancing talent.
Anyway, ShowMom gets accidentally turned by a member of
Zero’s “family,” and Zero takes it upon himself to guide
ShowMom into vampireness with lots and lots of bad poetry.
at one of those weird fetish clubs that features lots of glittery
clothing, crappy jazz and performers trying really really hard to
be sexy. Example: Topless women playing Twister. While I
think it would be fun to play Twister with topless women,
watching topless women play Twister is just… kinda weird.
Also: Note that the club in Club Vampire is not a club for
vampires, which makes the film’s title irritatingly inaccurate.
Also also: The fetish-dancer single mom was apparently one of
the inspirations for Elizabeth Berkley’s character in Showgirls,
as both characters behave like feral cats and lack actual
dancing talent.
Anyway, ShowMom gets accidentally turned by a member of
Zero’s “family,” and Zero takes it upon himself to guide
ShowMom into vampireness with lots and lots of bad poetry.
| He said he'll flip you. Flip ya for real. |
Zero’s vampire family, understanding the need to keep a their numbers small, aren’t thrilled about
the accidental turning and decide to kill off ShowMom… and Zero, too, if necessary. In the
meantime, we’re treated to loads of fake blood, an extended scene where ShowMom eats her son’
s hamster only to vomit it up along with her entire intestinal track and a whole lot of heavy-handed
camera effects (because vampires are perpetually dizzy or drunk?).
It’s all the opposite of exciting. Who was this movie made for? Goths? I’d wager than most Goths
would rather shop at Abercrombie & Fitch than sit through this pap.
This movie is the film version of roofies: I passed out halfway through the film, my recollection is
hazy at best and I felt used and violated afterwards. Falling asleep particularly pissed me off.
One, how much does your movie suck when I can’t stay away for the whole 77 minutes? And two,
I had to watch the second half again. Again! Like it wasn’t bad enough sitting through it the first
time.
the accidental turning and decide to kill off ShowMom… and Zero, too, if necessary. In the
meantime, we’re treated to loads of fake blood, an extended scene where ShowMom eats her son’
s hamster only to vomit it up along with her entire intestinal track and a whole lot of heavy-handed
camera effects (because vampires are perpetually dizzy or drunk?).
It’s all the opposite of exciting. Who was this movie made for? Goths? I’d wager than most Goths
would rather shop at Abercrombie & Fitch than sit through this pap.
This movie is the film version of roofies: I passed out halfway through the film, my recollection is
hazy at best and I felt used and violated afterwards. Falling asleep particularly pissed me off.
One, how much does your movie suck when I can’t stay away for the whole 77 minutes? And two,
I had to watch the second half again. Again! Like it wasn’t bad enough sitting through it the first
time.
If there’s one bright spot in the film -- and that’s
questionable -- it’s the casting of Michael J. Anderson as a
vampire in Zero’s family. You probably won’t know him by
name, but you’ll definitely recognize Anderson as Samson
from “Carnivale” and the backwards talking Man From
Another Place in “Twin Peaks.” As awesome as a dwarven
vampire might sound, it’s not worth seeing this film for
Michael J. Anderson (though he makes the most of his
role). I’m just pointing him out because he deserves better.
questionable -- it’s the casting of Michael J. Anderson as a
vampire in Zero’s family. You probably won’t know him by
name, but you’ll definitely recognize Anderson as Samson
from “Carnivale” and the backwards talking Man From
Another Place in “Twin Peaks.” As awesome as a dwarven
vampire might sound, it’s not worth seeing this film for
Michael J. Anderson (though he makes the most of his
role). I’m just pointing him out because he deserves better.
If you enjoyed this review -- and if you didn't, be
thankful that it was brief -- and are interested in
some other poorly done vampire films, then
check out these Bargain Bin Reviews:
thankful that it was brief -- and are interested in
some other poorly done vampire films, then
check out these Bargain Bin Reviews:
