CINDERELLA III:
A TWIST IN TIME
* * (2006, 74 minutes, Rated G)
Worst Time-Travel Movie Ever.
I had three very distinct reactions when I learned that this film existed.
The first was a reminder of just how much I'm confounded by the popularity of the original
Cinderella. A summary, 'Bin-style: Cute but spineless lass is endlessly pushed around by her
A TWIST IN TIME
* * (2006, 74 minutes, Rated G)
Worst Time-Travel Movie Ever.
I had three very distinct reactions when I learned that this film existed.
The first was a reminder of just how much I'm confounded by the popularity of the original
Cinderella. A summary, 'Bin-style: Cute but spineless lass is endlessly pushed around by her
| I imagine the gameplay largely consists of housework and trying on shoes. |
bitchy Stepmother and obnoxious stepsisters. Rather
than telling them all to sit and spin, Cinderella meekly
slaves away and mopes to an assortment of vermin.
One night, a deus ex machina appears and gets all
"Extreme Makeover" on Cinderella, complete with a
designer gown, impractical footwear and a tricked out
ride. Rather than sell the threads and ride out of town,
Cinderella goes to the royal ball and makes the Prince
randy. She beats feet at midnight, when all her magic
goodies turn back to normal except for her glass slippers.
No logic behind that one. The Prince sets out to see who
the shoe fits, and Cinderella and the Prince live happily
every after.
Got it, girls? Passively mope around long enough, and
magic happens! A rich, handsome man will come and
take you away from it all!
than telling them all to sit and spin, Cinderella meekly
slaves away and mopes to an assortment of vermin.
One night, a deus ex machina appears and gets all
"Extreme Makeover" on Cinderella, complete with a
designer gown, impractical footwear and a tricked out
ride. Rather than sell the threads and ride out of town,
Cinderella goes to the royal ball and makes the Prince
randy. She beats feet at midnight, when all her magic
goodies turn back to normal except for her glass slippers.
No logic behind that one. The Prince sets out to see who
the shoe fits, and Cinderella and the Prince live happily
every after.
Got it, girls? Passively mope around long enough, and
magic happens! A rich, handsome man will come and
take you away from it all!
My second reaction is that for as craptastic as the original "classic" is, it is very much a
self-contained story. Not much left open for a sequel, let alone a trilogy. Though the "Twist in
Time" part leaves open the possibility of Terminators...
My third reaction was that I would rent this movie under the guise of "My daughters will like it."
And if there are no Terminators, I'm gonna beat the hell out of this film.
Now that I'm warmed up: The movie opens with a musical exposition number , giving the status
of all the main characters from the original Cinderella. It's one year later, the mice live in the
palace with Cinderella and it appears that the stepsisters are forced to wash every single dirty
dish in the kingdom. Amazingly, Cinderella is not knocked up.
Anastasia (the red-headed stepsister) figures out that Cinderella had some magical assistance
in winning the hand of the Prince and manages to get the Fairy Godmother's wand for the
Stepmother. Now that Stepmother, she's one nasty mo-fo... and now she has a magical wand of
nearly limitless power. She could make herself younger and seduce the king. She could create
her own kingdom. With unlimited power at her fingertips, what does she summon?
self-contained story. Not much left open for a sequel, let alone a trilogy. Though the "Twist in
Time" part leaves open the possibility of Terminators...
My third reaction was that I would rent this movie under the guise of "My daughters will like it."
And if there are no Terminators, I'm gonna beat the hell out of this film.
Now that I'm warmed up: The movie opens with a musical exposition number , giving the status
of all the main characters from the original Cinderella. It's one year later, the mice live in the
palace with Cinderella and it appears that the stepsisters are forced to wash every single dirty
dish in the kingdom. Amazingly, Cinderella is not knocked up.
Anastasia (the red-headed stepsister) figures out that Cinderella had some magical assistance
in winning the hand of the Prince and manages to get the Fairy Godmother's wand for the
Stepmother. Now that Stepmother, she's one nasty mo-fo... and now she has a magical wand of
nearly limitless power. She could make herself younger and seduce the king. She could create
her own kingdom. With unlimited power at her fingertips, what does she summon?
NO! She summons "all the powers of the universe" to take her and the stepsisters back in time
to screw with Cinderella. And how will they do that?
to screw with Cinderella. And how will they do that?
NO! The Stepmother just makes the shoe fit Anastasia. Nary a killer robot in sight. Lame!
And seriously? It takes the Prince three movies to realise that perhaps, just perhaps, the glass
shoe might fit more than one lady in the kingdom? Double lame!
When Cinderella finds out that her one-in-a-million chance of going from rags to riches fell
through, she mopes expertly until realizing that all she has to do is actually talk to the Prince.
She and her rat friends head out, naively believing that even in this very pre-9/11 world, they can
just waltz into the castle and talk to royalty.
And seriously? It takes the Prince three movies to realise that perhaps, just perhaps, the glass
shoe might fit more than one lady in the kingdom? Double lame!
When Cinderella finds out that her one-in-a-million chance of going from rags to riches fell
through, she mopes expertly until realizing that all she has to do is actually talk to the Prince.
She and her rat friends head out, naively believing that even in this very pre-9/11 world, they can
just waltz into the castle and talk to royalty.
From this point on, much of the film is padded
with the comedic stylings of Anastasia's
oafishness, Drizella's gluttony and assorted
mouse antics, as well as many redundant
discussions among the royals about "the
power of love" (cue Huey Lewis).
By the way, where are the Stepmother and
stepsisters of a year ago in all this? If the
stepfamily went back in time, that means there
should be two sets of them running around.
And where are the predestination paradoxes,
the temporal loops? What the hell kind of time
travel movie is this?
Well, it is a Disney movie, so it's the kind of
time travel movie where birds and mice save
the day, the heroine never plays an active role
in the film and everyone learns An Important
Lesson while Hayden Panettiere sings a
syrupy power ballad during the end credits.
with the comedic stylings of Anastasia's
oafishness, Drizella's gluttony and assorted
mouse antics, as well as many redundant
discussions among the royals about "the
power of love" (cue Huey Lewis).
By the way, where are the Stepmother and
stepsisters of a year ago in all this? If the
stepfamily went back in time, that means there
should be two sets of them running around.
And where are the predestination paradoxes,
the temporal loops? What the hell kind of time
travel movie is this?
Well, it is a Disney movie, so it's the kind of
time travel movie where birds and mice save
the day, the heroine never plays an active role
in the film and everyone learns An Important
Lesson while Hayden Panettiere sings a
syrupy power ballad during the end credits.
| Looking for a good Hayden Panettiere pic for this review made me feel old and dirty. I hope you're happy. |
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