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CHOPPING MALL
* * * * (1986, 77 minutes, Rated R)
A Bargain Bin Review Bargain
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Time for another Reader Recommendation! This one comes from Mark at the Utica Phoenix, and
was actually tied with Hell Comes to Frogtown in a recent poll of what Reader Recommendations
you’d most like to see. It took this long for me to get my hands on a copy, but it was well-worth the
effort.
We open with a robbery in process, a smash-and-grab job at a jewelry store in a mall after-hours.
The burglar is about to make his get-away when he’s confronted by, as one tends to, a robot.
The robot is kind of an amalgam of other robots: Johnny 5’s treads, a Roomba head with a Cylon
eye visor. Here, this will be easier:
* * * * (1986, 77 minutes, Rated R)
A Bargain Bin Review Bargain
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Time for another Reader Recommendation! This one comes from Mark at the Utica Phoenix, and
was actually tied with Hell Comes to Frogtown in a recent poll of what Reader Recommendations
you’d most like to see. It took this long for me to get my hands on a copy, but it was well-worth the
effort.
We open with a robbery in process, a smash-and-grab job at a jewelry store in a mall after-hours.
The burglar is about to make his get-away when he’s confronted by, as one tends to, a robot.
The robot is kind of an amalgam of other robots: Johnny 5’s treads, a Roomba head with a Cylon
eye visor. Here, this will be easier:
 |
with the eye-rolling. I can only hope I’m not as obnoxious when I’m watching these movies.
Someone in the audience brings up safety concerns. “Trust me,” says the Sales Weasel,
“Absolutely nothing can go wrong.” Don't hold your breath.
The credits are a treat, giving us both a primo ‘80s score and a mall montage. Mall montages are
among my favorite montages of all. People walking around! Elevators! Shoplifting! A kid on a
skateboard! A couple making out! A bunch of girls walking around in pageant swimwear! Only in
the movies.
And speaking of only in the movies, the best part of a mall montage is that, due to licensing
issues, the filmmakers have to make up all the stores. As a result, Chopping Mall features such
fine retailers as:
Here’s something else that only happens in the movies: During a thunder storm that evening, the
robots’ generator is hit by lightening… three or four times. Naturally, this astronomically unlikely
event reprograms the robots to kill.
Someone in the audience brings up safety concerns. “Trust me,” says the Sales Weasel,
“Absolutely nothing can go wrong.” Don't hold your breath.
The credits are a treat, giving us both a primo ‘80s score and a mall montage. Mall montages are
among my favorite montages of all. People walking around! Elevators! Shoplifting! A kid on a
skateboard! A couple making out! A bunch of girls walking around in pageant swimwear! Only in
the movies.
And speaking of only in the movies, the best part of a mall montage is that, due to licensing
issues, the filmmakers have to make up all the stores. As a result, Chopping Mall features such
fine retailers as:
- "Licorice Lizard"
- "Circus Tent O’ Values"
- "House of Almonds"
- and my favorite, “Restaurant”
Here’s something else that only happens in the movies: During a thunder storm that evening, the
robots’ generator is hit by lightening… three or four times. Naturally, this astronomically unlikely
event reprograms the robots to kill.
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| Like this. |
The robot tells the burglar to halt or it
will say halt again. The burglar
responds by shooting at the robot.
Undaunted, the robot tranquilizes the
burglar. “The End.”
What? Oh, this is a promotion
video. I was wondering about the
other 72 minutes.
Three of these “Protector” robots are
going to be deployed into this Very
Tall Mall as night security. There’s a
couple in the audience making
snarky comments throughout the
presentation, laying it on really thick
will say halt again. The burglar
responds by shooting at the robot.
Undaunted, the robot tranquilizes the
burglar. “The End.”
What? Oh, this is a promotion
video. I was wondering about the
other 72 minutes.
Three of these “Protector” robots are
going to be deployed into this Very
Tall Mall as night security. There’s a
couple in the audience making
snarky comments throughout the
presentation, laying it on really thick
| Lightning once struck my car, and now it chases the mailman down the street every day. |
Meanwhile, a bunch of the mall employees are throwing an after-hours party in the furniture store
(“Furniture King: House of Royal Values“). This reminds me of a great story about my own after-
hours in the mall party, which I'll tell you all about in a Special Side Bar.
(“Furniture King: House of Royal Values“). This reminds me of a great story about my own after-
hours in the mall party, which I'll tell you all about in a Special Side Bar.
W It probably won't surprise you that I had my own mall adventures back in the day. A common high school pasttime was "mall tag," which is pretty much what it sounds like. One person is "It," everyone else scatters -- you had to stay in public areas within the mall. If tagged, then both players are It and hunt down the others. That made for a nice bit of paranoia. Eh, I should probably point out that the Bargain Bin Review does not endorse playing tag in the mall. Whew. Speaking of things The 'Bin doesn't officially endorse... Mall activities weren't confined to business hours. A friend of mine, who I'll call "Wally," was working mall security at a local mall and had to work an after-hours shift one Christmas night. So a bunch of us thought we'd keep him company. We showed up that night with pizzas, a case of beer, cards and a video. After eating and drinking our fill, we drunkenly rode the Holiday Train, took pictures of ourselves in Santa's Chair and had numerous wheelchair races. We kicked ourselves for not bringing rollerblades or skateboards. We almost blew it when our driver opted to speed around the empty parking lot... and caught air jumping a curb. Fortunately, we were able to get the car operational before Wally's replacement showed up. Good times. |
| SCENES FROM A MALL A SPECIAL SIDE BAR BY NOLAHN |
| Deathstalker (above) contemplates how to avoid death by mallbot. |
We meet the gang: the new girl, the dorky guy, the-- omygod I
can't believe it’s Deathstalker from Deathstalker II!! True to
form, he’s playing the smirking womanizer. This movie just
jumped up a new notches in my esteem.
After a cameo by classic "Hey, It’s That Guy" Dick Miller
(playing a janitor named Walter Paisley), the kids in the mall
get their party on, where they have a chance to drink up and
take off their tops before the robots show up to kill them.
Awesomely, the robots’ lasers have the same sound effect as
the Martian space ships in the original War of the Worlds.
can't believe it’s Deathstalker from Deathstalker II!! True to
form, he’s playing the smirking womanizer. This movie just
jumped up a new notches in my esteem.
After a cameo by classic "Hey, It’s That Guy" Dick Miller
(playing a janitor named Walter Paisley), the kids in the mall
get their party on, where they have a chance to drink up and
take off their tops before the robots show up to kill them.
Awesomely, the robots’ lasers have the same sound effect as
the Martian space ships in the original War of the Worlds.
I have to give the writers credit, because our kids in the mall make a number of relatively smart
decisions. Realizing that they’re locked in the mall with three killbots, they attempt to escape
through the air ducts. When that doesn’t work out, they quickly head over to “Peckinpah’s
Sporting Goods” and arm up.
That’s not to say the film lacks a sense of humor. The robots often hold off their killing just long
enough to ask for identification and then, once shown their mall credentials, kill anyway.
Afterwards, the robots always say, “Thank you. Have a nice day.” And then there’s this thought: “I
guess I’m not used to being chased around the mall in the middle of the night by killer robots.”
To sum up: Killer robots working the War of the Worlds effects, Deathstalker, a Sam Peckinpah
reference, boobs… yeah, there’s some good cheese here. Don’t you just love a bargain?
decisions. Realizing that they’re locked in the mall with three killbots, they attempt to escape
through the air ducts. When that doesn’t work out, they quickly head over to “Peckinpah’s
Sporting Goods” and arm up.
That’s not to say the film lacks a sense of humor. The robots often hold off their killing just long
enough to ask for identification and then, once shown their mall credentials, kill anyway.
Afterwards, the robots always say, “Thank you. Have a nice day.” And then there’s this thought: “I
guess I’m not used to being chased around the mall in the middle of the night by killer robots.”
To sum up: Killer robots working the War of the Worlds effects, Deathstalker, a Sam Peckinpah
reference, boobs… yeah, there’s some good cheese here. Don’t you just love a bargain?
| Classic character actor Dick Miller (above) approves of this film. |
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OPINION FROM ONE OF OUR FRIENDS OF
THE 'BIN?
BADMOVIES.ORG
FATALLY YOURS
OBSCURE HORROR