BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
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CHEERLEADER CAMP
* * * (1987, 88 minutes, Rated R)
"You're a mascot, not a human." -- Ms. Perky Hardass, head of Camp Hurrah
I know what question is burning in your mind, and the answer is yes, the cheerleaders in
this movie do wear half shirts like the one depicted on the cover.
"Listen up! Stay calm, but one of our girls has been murdered, all right? Just get out of
here alive, don't panic."
That gem of survival advice comes from The Fred fairly late in the movie. The Fred is not
the character's name -- I couldn't be bothered to write the actual name down -- but he
plays The Fred to a pack of Daphnes that are attending "Camp Hurrah." I guess it's also
worth mentioning -- particularly to our female readers of a certain age -- that The Fred is
played by '70s icon Leif Garrett. To be honest, unless having Farrah Fawcett's hair was
reason enough, I have no idea why Leif Garrett was so famous. Certainly it wasn't for
appearing in this movie.
* * * (1987, 88 minutes, Rated R)
"You're a mascot, not a human." -- Ms. Perky Hardass, head of Camp Hurrah
I know what question is burning in your mind, and the answer is yes, the cheerleaders in
this movie do wear half shirts like the one depicted on the cover.
"Listen up! Stay calm, but one of our girls has been murdered, all right? Just get out of
here alive, don't panic."
That gem of survival advice comes from The Fred fairly late in the movie. The Fred is not
the character's name -- I couldn't be bothered to write the actual name down -- but he
plays The Fred to a pack of Daphnes that are attending "Camp Hurrah." I guess it's also
worth mentioning -- particularly to our female readers of a certain age -- that The Fred is
played by '70s icon Leif Garrett. To be honest, unless having Farrah Fawcett's hair was
reason enough, I have no idea why Leif Garrett was so famous. Certainly it wasn't for
appearing in this movie.
Among the Daphnes is Alison, who everyone thinks is
perfect in every way despite the fact that regularly suffers
from bad dreams, has obvious abandonment issues and is
dating The Fred. The Fred clearly isn't buying into the Little
Miss Perfect storyline either, otherwise he wouldn't be trying
so hard to "test out" the competition, if you know what I
mean (and if you don't know what I mean, I'm talking about
sexual relations).
Despite the fact that Alison, The Fred, Stupid Blonde,
Sensible Brunette, Vampish Diva, That Other Girl and
Tubby the Comic Relief are there to compete in The Big
Competition, very little actual cheerleading is done.
Instead, much of their time is spent sunbathing topless and
fretting over who will be named "The Queen" of the camp.
In fact, much of the movie alternates between Alison
wandering into creepy settings by herself, Alison's goofy
cheerleader-themed nightmares and flimsy excuses for the
ladies to get their tops off. When the killings finally start
a-comin', they're pretty standard fare (i.e., death by
gardening tools).
The link between sex and death in these movies got me to
thinking (certainly, the plot did not): Is having sex or getting
naked really the kiss of death in horror films? Inspired by
the various stats employed by my fantasy baseball team,
Logjammin', I've created by own statistical basis for
measuring the link between sex and death in horror films.
The Naughty/Death Index takes the number of
characters that either show skin or have sex and divides it
by the number of characters to be killed.
Naughty/Death Index, or NDI, for this film is .777.
perfect in every way despite the fact that regularly suffers
from bad dreams, has obvious abandonment issues and is
dating The Fred. The Fred clearly isn't buying into the Little
Miss Perfect storyline either, otherwise he wouldn't be trying
so hard to "test out" the competition, if you know what I
mean (and if you don't know what I mean, I'm talking about
sexual relations).
Despite the fact that Alison, The Fred, Stupid Blonde,
Sensible Brunette, Vampish Diva, That Other Girl and
Tubby the Comic Relief are there to compete in The Big
Competition, very little actual cheerleading is done.
Instead, much of their time is spent sunbathing topless and
fretting over who will be named "The Queen" of the camp.
In fact, much of the movie alternates between Alison
wandering into creepy settings by herself, Alison's goofy
cheerleader-themed nightmares and flimsy excuses for the
ladies to get their tops off. When the killings finally start
a-comin', they're pretty standard fare (i.e., death by
gardening tools).
The link between sex and death in these movies got me to
thinking (certainly, the plot did not): Is having sex or getting
naked really the kiss of death in horror films? Inspired by
the various stats employed by my fantasy baseball team,
Logjammin', I've created by own statistical basis for
measuring the link between sex and death in horror films.
The Naughty/Death Index takes the number of
characters that either show skin or have sex and divides it
by the number of characters to be killed.
Naughty/Death Index, or NDI, for this film is .777.
This fact might be impressive if we had anything to compare it to. Oh sure, I could go back
to other films I've reviewed, such as Santa Claws, and calculate its NDI. But that would
mean re-watching films like Santa Claws, and really, wasn't once enough?
Anyway, if my arbitrary statistics don't make you want to watch this movie, maybe these
featured moments will:
There are also a few attempts at satire, such as when the Fred tells his squad, "We're all
feeling the pressure. If we win, we go on to the State Finals. We don't, we're nobody." At
least, I think that's satire...
Speaking of actual cheerleading, wedo get to witness The Big Competition, though it is
held in a cabin rather than on ESPN2. And I don't know who wins or was named "The
Queen," cuz my DVD crapped out and forced me to skip ahead to a bunch of the
characters wandering around in the woods at night, looking for Vampish Diva... apparently
some 14 hours after she went missing.
If you're thinking this movie is essentially "Friday the 13th with cheerleaders," then you
have the right idea.
to other films I've reviewed, such as Santa Claws, and calculate its NDI. But that would
mean re-watching films like Santa Claws, and really, wasn't once enough?
Anyway, if my arbitrary statistics don't make you want to watch this movie, maybe these
featured moments will:
- death by hedge clippers
- binge drinking
- boobie traps involving a bear trap
- a football-themed sex scene
- Tubby the Comic Relief getting his naked ass stuck in a window
- pratfalls over a dead body
- the phrase "gettin' honey on her muffin"
There are also a few attempts at satire, such as when the Fred tells his squad, "We're all
feeling the pressure. If we win, we go on to the State Finals. We don't, we're nobody." At
least, I think that's satire...
Speaking of actual cheerleading, wedo get to witness The Big Competition, though it is
held in a cabin rather than on ESPN2. And I don't know who wins or was named "The
Queen," cuz my DVD crapped out and forced me to skip ahead to a bunch of the
characters wandering around in the woods at night, looking for Vampish Diva... apparently
some 14 hours after she went missing.
If you're thinking this movie is essentially "Friday the 13th with cheerleaders," then you
have the right idea.
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