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CARE BEARS II: A NEW GENERATION
* * (1986, 76 minutes, Rated G)
Boldly going where no Carenimal has gone before.
A primer for those of you were weren't little girls in the '80s (or the siblings of little girls in the '80s):
The Care Bears was a Saturday morning cartoon brazenly based on a popular line of toys. The title
characters are a pack of primary colored sentient teddy bears that spy on children from their castle
in the clouds, descending to intervene with their lives whenever they detected a lack of caring.
The Care Bears are a classic case of misplaced priorities. They're nowhere to be found in the
event of a natural disaster or a school shooting, but if there's a kid being peer pressured into
* * (1986, 76 minutes, Rated G)
Boldly going where no Carenimal has gone before.
A primer for those of you were weren't little girls in the '80s (or the siblings of little girls in the '80s):
The Care Bears was a Saturday morning cartoon brazenly based on a popular line of toys. The title
characters are a pack of primary colored sentient teddy bears that spy on children from their castle
in the clouds, descending to intervene with their lives whenever they detected a lack of caring.
The Care Bears are a classic case of misplaced priorities. They're nowhere to be found in the
event of a natural disaster or a school shooting, but if there's a kid being peer pressured into
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cheating during a ballgame, the Care Bears are all over
that action.
I'm sure you, dear reader, as someone who hasn't spent
the your childhood eating paint chips or drinking bleach,
have plenty of sensible questions about the logistics of
these Care Bears. So you'll be happy to hear that Care
Bears II: A New Generation is actually an origin story.
Whether the origin clears anything up is another matter.
The film opens with a Care Bear and a Care Horse (?)
sailing a tall ship. Tucked inside the boat are a bunch of
baby Care Animals -- Carenimals, if you will -- making the
boat a regular Noah's Care Ark.
There's a Big Storm, and then a giant sea serpent attacks
the boat. Fortunately, the Care Bear and Care Horse are
able to sail their ship to safety up a rainbow, as many
seafarers do. The sea serpent is pissed. It announces
itself as "Dark Heart," turns into a tornado and disappears.
that action.
I'm sure you, dear reader, as someone who hasn't spent
the your childhood eating paint chips or drinking bleach,
have plenty of sensible questions about the logistics of
these Care Bears. So you'll be happy to hear that Care
Bears II: A New Generation is actually an origin story.
Whether the origin clears anything up is another matter.
The film opens with a Care Bear and a Care Horse (?)
sailing a tall ship. Tucked inside the boat are a bunch of
baby Care Animals -- Carenimals, if you will -- making the
boat a regular Noah's Care Ark.
There's a Big Storm, and then a giant sea serpent attacks
the boat. Fortunately, the Care Bear and Care Horse are
able to sail their ship to safety up a rainbow, as many
seafarers do. The sea serpent is pissed. It announces
itself as "Dark Heart," turns into a tornado and disappears.
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It is a common misunderstanding that the Bargain Bin Review is a horror site.
It's not. Not exclusively, anyway. You won't -- and will probably never -- find reviews of the
latest torture porn here. Or rape/revenge fetish films like I Spit On Your Grave. Or the
borderline snuff films like Cannibal Holocaust.
Am I being unfair to those films? Maybe. But I'm confident you can find plenty of other sites
that field those kind of movies (you'll even find some listed here).
The Bargain Bin Review is not a horror site, but we do cover horror films. Different kind of
horrors, too. For when we say we "Review the films no one else will touch," we're talking
about such horrors as...
It's not. Not exclusively, anyway. You won't -- and will probably never -- find reviews of the
latest torture porn here. Or rape/revenge fetish films like I Spit On Your Grave. Or the
borderline snuff films like Cannibal Holocaust.
Am I being unfair to those films? Maybe. But I'm confident you can find plenty of other sites
that field those kind of movies (you'll even find some listed here).
The Bargain Bin Review is not a horror site, but we do cover horror films. Different kind of
horrors, too. For when we say we "Review the films no one else will touch," we're talking
about such horrors as...
| Of course, everything is rainbows and sunshine when the biggest problems you face are cheating and lying. |
And just like that's it's apparent that I'm way too sober for this film.
It gets stranger: A giant talking star gives our brave duo fancy icons on their bellies and names
them True Heart Bear and Noble Heart Horse. The talking star then sets up the two with a castle
in the clouds and gives them a meter that lets them know when there's a lack of caring in the
world. Time for a musical number, featuring True Heart Bear and Noble Heart Horse taking care
of all their Carenimal babies and ejaculating beams from their bellies.
It gets stranger: A giant talking star gives our brave duo fancy icons on their bellies and names
them True Heart Bear and Noble Heart Horse. The talking star then sets up the two with a castle
in the clouds and gives them a meter that lets them know when there's a lack of caring in the
world. Time for a musical number, featuring True Heart Bear and Noble Heart Horse taking care
of all their Carenimal babies and ejaculating beams from their bellies.
| The Religious Right would find about a dozen things wrong with this "family." |
Needless to say, the unspoken relationship
between True Heart Bear and Noble Heart
Horse plays out like a Culture War nightmare.
The duo's first "care mission" is to a summer
camp where a trio of misfits are being taunted by
the "Camp Champ." It appears that at this
summer camp, in lieu of camp counselors or
adult supervision, the camp is run by whichever
kid can run, swim and row the fastest. Herbert
Spencer would approve.
Unfortunately, there's no Bill Murray character to
help bolster the misfits' spirits, only Day-Glo
bear encouraging them to focus on things they
between True Heart Bear and Noble Heart
Horse plays out like a Culture War nightmare.
The duo's first "care mission" is to a summer
camp where a trio of misfits are being taunted by
the "Camp Champ." It appears that at this
summer camp, in lieu of camp counselors or
adult supervision, the camp is run by whichever
kid can run, swim and row the fastest. Herbert
Spencer would approve.
Unfortunately, there's no Bill Murray character to
help bolster the misfits' spirits, only Day-Glo
bear encouraging them to focus on things they
can do, like "share their feelings." Somehow, "soiling themselves" and "failing" aren't things that
make the list of things they can do.
make the list of things they can do.
| We'd love to see what Bill Murray's character from Caddyshack would do to the Care Bears. |
Since the misfits aren't sold on how
"sharing their feelings" will help them
deal with the Camp Champ, True Heart
Bear abducts two of the misfits and
brings them back to Cloud City to babysit
the Carenimals. That leaves the third
misfit, Christy, vulnerable to the
influences of the shape-shifting Dark
Heart who, by the way, appears to be the
Devil.
The Carenimals grow to adulthood in the
course of a single montage, becoming
the Care Bears and assorting animals
"sharing their feelings" will help them
deal with the Camp Champ, True Heart
Bear abducts two of the misfits and
brings them back to Cloud City to babysit
the Carenimals. That leaves the third
misfit, Christy, vulnerable to the
influences of the shape-shifting Dark
Heart who, by the way, appears to be the
Devil.
The Carenimals grow to adulthood in the
course of a single montage, becoming
the Care Bears and assorting animals
that make up the Care Bear Cousins that most fans are familiar with. The aging process takes
place in approximately a week of our time, which is enough time for Christy and Dark Heart to
spread their evil influence all over camp. Kids are ripping trees out of the ground! Even the
moose are angry!
It all builds up to an exciting conclusion that involves the Care Bears breaking the fourth wall to
lecture us about just how important it is to care about things. But then their happy ending involves
turning Dark Heart into a real (penniless, orphaned) boy.
Like I said, the Care Bears are all about misplaced priorities.
place in approximately a week of our time, which is enough time for Christy and Dark Heart to
spread their evil influence all over camp. Kids are ripping trees out of the ground! Even the
moose are angry!
It all builds up to an exciting conclusion that involves the Care Bears breaking the fourth wall to
lecture us about just how important it is to care about things. But then their happy ending involves
turning Dark Heart into a real (penniless, orphaned) boy.
Like I said, the Care Bears are all about misplaced priorities.
If you enjoy watching Nolahn squirm through children's movies, then get a
load of these reviews...
load of these reviews...
