THE CARE BEARS BIG WISH MOVIE
* * (2005, 75 minutes, Unrated)
Just like visual cotton candy: Take in too much, and you get nauseous.
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Growing up in the '80s with two sisters, I'm probably more familiar with the Care Bears than any
red-blooded American male wants to be. Back then, the Care Bears were the stars of a cheaply
animated show about day-glo peeping tom ursines that live in the troposphere, occasionally
coming down to earth to intercede in the affairs of humans. And what did the Care Bears care
enough about to intercede in? Gang wars? Ethnic cleansing? World poverty? No way -- this was
the '80s, no one cared that much. No, the Care Bears' biggest concerns were with kids who were
bad sports or told lies.
* * (2005, 75 minutes, Unrated)
Just like visual cotton candy: Take in too much, and you get nauseous.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
Growing up in the '80s with two sisters, I'm probably more familiar with the Care Bears than any
red-blooded American male wants to be. Back then, the Care Bears were the stars of a cheaply
animated show about day-glo peeping tom ursines that live in the troposphere, occasionally
coming down to earth to intercede in the affairs of humans. And what did the Care Bears care
enough about to intercede in? Gang wars? Ethnic cleansing? World poverty? No way -- this was
the '80s, no one cared that much. No, the Care Bears' biggest concerns were with kids who were
bad sports or told lies.
| A chunky variation of the Care Bear Stare. |
By the climax of the story, the Care
Bears would unleash the only vaguely
interesting thing about them: The
Care Bear Stare. Usually performed
by multiple bears in a firing line, The
Care Bear Stare had the Care Bears
firing multi-colored energy beams out
of their bellies. Somehow, this always
made everything better.
Bears would unleash the only vaguely
interesting thing about them: The
Care Bear Stare. Usually performed
by multiple bears in a firing line, The
Care Bear Stare had the Care Bears
firing multi-colored energy beams out
of their bellies. Somehow, this always
made everything better.
The original Care Bears may have been invasive, but at least they were somewhat useful...
unlike the lazy sacks that are the present-day Care Bears.
Today's Care Bears are the stars of cheaply made CGI animated movies. They still live in the
clouds, but have dropped the creepy habit of spying on children. Instead, they fart around their
village of Care-A-Lot, where their biggest concern is keeping the Care-O-Meter on the plus side.
There doesn't appear to be any form of commerce or economic system, and no one ever worries
about being hunted for their colorful pellets.
unlike the lazy sacks that are the present-day Care Bears.
Today's Care Bears are the stars of cheaply made CGI animated movies. They still live in the
clouds, but have dropped the creepy habit of spying on children. Instead, they fart around their
village of Care-A-Lot, where their biggest concern is keeping the Care-O-Meter on the plus side.
There doesn't appear to be any form of commerce or economic system, and no one ever worries
about being hunted for their colorful pellets.
| Nice, but do you have one in lilac or lemon yellow? |
The first part of this story is actually an origin tale, the story of how Wish Bear obtained her own
personal wishing star, Twinkers. While Twinkers is allegedly a "real" star, it's actually more like
a sentient floating throw pillow.
personal wishing star, Twinkers. While Twinkers is allegedly a "real" star, it's actually more like
a sentient floating throw pillow.
| Twinkers' second cousin, WR124 |
Being a wishing star, Twinkers grants Wish Bear's wishes on
demand. So despite the fact that Wish Bear has had an
incredibly powerful being at her beck-and-call for years, the best
Wish Bear can come up with is stuff like "popcorn for everyone"...
and still screws it up. The botched wishes are a constant source
of "wackiness," presumably because Wish Bear has never
attempted to wish the real-life Smokey Bear to come back from
the dead.
In other words, this movie's plot is basically every other episode
of "I Dream of Jeannie."
demand. So despite the fact that Wish Bear has had an
incredibly powerful being at her beck-and-call for years, the best
Wish Bear can come up with is stuff like "popcorn for everyone"...
and still screws it up. The botched wishes are a constant source
of "wackiness," presumably because Wish Bear has never
attempted to wish the real-life Smokey Bear to come back from
the dead.
In other words, this movie's plot is basically every other episode
of "I Dream of Jeannie."
Being a wishing star, Twinkers grants Wish Bear's wishes on demand. So despite the fact that
Wish Bear has had an incredibly powerful being at his/her beck-and-call for years, the best Wish
Bear can come up with is stuff like "popcorn for everyone"... and still screws it up. The botched
wishes are a constant source of "wackiness," presumably because Wish Bear has never
attempted to wish the real-life Smokey Bear to come back from the dead.
In other words, this movie's plot is basically every other episode of "I Dream of Jeannie."
After an intervention about the crappiness of Wish Bear's wishes (and an impromptu musical
number), Wish Bear disregard everyone's concerns and wishes for "more bears in Care-A-Lot
who love wishes." Enter the Careless Bears:
In short, they're assholes. Though I suspect we can do much better than "Too Loud Bear."
Wish Bear has had an incredibly powerful being at his/her beck-and-call for years, the best Wish
Bear can come up with is stuff like "popcorn for everyone"... and still screws it up. The botched
wishes are a constant source of "wackiness," presumably because Wish Bear has never
attempted to wish the real-life Smokey Bear to come back from the dead.
In other words, this movie's plot is basically every other episode of "I Dream of Jeannie."
After an intervention about the crappiness of Wish Bear's wishes (and an impromptu musical
number), Wish Bear disregard everyone's concerns and wishes for "more bears in Care-A-Lot
who love wishes." Enter the Careless Bears:
- Too Loud Bear, the General Zod of the Careless Bears;
- Me Bear, the narcisist of the group
- Messy Bear, the sloppy dimwit, though his messiness pales in comparison to Pig Pen.
In short, they're assholes. Though I suspect we can do much better than "Too Loud Bear."
The Careless Bears go about bossing the Care Bears around, and since Wish Bear isn't the
brightest bulb of the bunch, they soon convince her to wish control of Twinkers over to them. The
Careless Bears go on a wishing rampage, and before you know it, Care-A-Lot begins to look like
New Jersey.
After a quick journey into space (where they got the rocket fuel is never explained), all of the bears
have learned an important lesson about hard work or consumer greed or some such. I'm not
entirely sure -- I dozed off near the end.
What? It's not like I get paid to sit through these movies.
brightest bulb of the bunch, they soon convince her to wish control of Twinkers over to them. The
Careless Bears go on a wishing rampage, and before you know it, Care-A-Lot begins to look like
New Jersey.
After a quick journey into space (where they got the rocket fuel is never explained), all of the bears
have learned an important lesson about hard work or consumer greed or some such. I'm not
entirely sure -- I dozed off near the end.
What? It's not like I get paid to sit through these movies.
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