BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
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THE BREAKDANCE KID
* * (2004, 87 minutes, Unrated)
Breakdancing is easy. Comedy is hard.
Despite how the roster of movies reviewed here looks, this is not a site for bad horror
movies -- just bad movies. It just so happens that when horror is done badly, the results
can be very funny. But when comedy is done badly? Ouch.
All the action in this Malt Liquor Production (and me without my Colt 45!) takes place in
Smithville, TX, 1984. The movie comes to us in the form of a previously unreleased
"documentary," which is immediately undermined by the cinematography. This is the
least of the film's problems -- it just really jumped out in my mind after years of reality TV,
"The Office," The Blair Witch Project, Borat, Cloverfield, Diary of the Dead, etc., etc.
The story opens with one of those sad human interest stories you see on the local news.
While a truck driver who thinks he's Bootsy Collins is being interviewed, he runs over a guy
* * (2004, 87 minutes, Unrated)
Breakdancing is easy. Comedy is hard.
Despite how the roster of movies reviewed here looks, this is not a site for bad horror
movies -- just bad movies. It just so happens that when horror is done badly, the results
can be very funny. But when comedy is done badly? Ouch.
All the action in this Malt Liquor Production (and me without my Colt 45!) takes place in
Smithville, TX, 1984. The movie comes to us in the form of a previously unreleased
"documentary," which is immediately undermined by the cinematography. This is the
least of the film's problems -- it just really jumped out in my mind after years of reality TV,
"The Office," The Blair Witch Project, Borat, Cloverfield, Diary of the Dead, etc., etc.
The story opens with one of those sad human interest stories you see on the local news.
While a truck driver who thinks he's Bootsy Collins is being interviewed, he runs over a guy
on live TV. That human road pizza is one Whitey
Johnson. Whitey is actually said to be a pizza
deliveryman, though we never see any evidence of
this -- perhaps this is "character development" or
perhaps being a pizza delivery guy is inherently
funny? You decide. Anyway, Whitey survives the
running over and is immediately regarded as a
hero.
I need a minute here, cuz this is something that's
long ticked me off. I don't know if this was an
intentional jab at the media, but I'd like to think so
because unless the victim/survivor is asked to do
something extreme like sawing their own leg off...
THERE IS NOTHING HEROIC ABOUT SURVIVING
A HORRIBLE INCIDENT. NOTHING! NOTHING!!
ARRRGH!!!
Whitey decides that not only does he want to walk
Johnson. Whitey is actually said to be a pizza
deliveryman, though we never see any evidence of
this -- perhaps this is "character development" or
perhaps being a pizza delivery guy is inherently
funny? You decide. Anyway, Whitey survives the
running over and is immediately regarded as a
hero.
I need a minute here, cuz this is something that's
long ticked me off. I don't know if this was an
intentional jab at the media, but I'd like to think so
because unless the victim/survivor is asked to do
something extreme like sawing their own leg off...
THERE IS NOTHING HEROIC ABOUT SURVIVING
A HORRIBLE INCIDENT. NOTHING! NOTHING!!
ARRRGH!!!
Whitey decides that not only does he want to walk
| Sadly, the real Bootsy Collins does not appear in this film. |
again (something he's able to do by the next scene, no physical therapy necessary!) -- he
wants to breakdance. And compete in the big breakdancing competition in a few weeks.
Of course. The why is never really explained or understood, so it's randomness was
probably meant to be utterly hilarious.
You know, breakdancing is soooo '80s. Hey, did I mention that this movie takes place in
1984? Because it's 1984, y'all! Nostalgic '80s references abound, a few pretty clever (like
when Whitey and a waitress discuss types of merchandising-branded breakfast cereal
available at the diner) but most are about as subtle as a kick to the crotch (valley girls,
Rubik's Cube references, etc.).
wants to breakdance. And compete in the big breakdancing competition in a few weeks.
Of course. The why is never really explained or understood, so it's randomness was
probably meant to be utterly hilarious.
You know, breakdancing is soooo '80s. Hey, did I mention that this movie takes place in
1984? Because it's 1984, y'all! Nostalgic '80s references abound, a few pretty clever (like
when Whitey and a waitress discuss types of merchandising-branded breakfast cereal
available at the diner) but most are about as subtle as a kick to the crotch (valley girls,
Rubik's Cube references, etc.).
Speaking of random, a judge orders Katfish (the Bootsy
Collins truck driver), a former disco dancing champ, to
train Whitey for the big breakdancing contest. At least
the judge didn't make Katfish serve as Whitey's butler.
Along the way, Whitey falls for a sorority girl by way of
Wednesday Adams named Grace. Naturally, her
ex-boyfriend is the reigning regional breakdancing
champ.
When all is said and done, we're dealing with some
pretty standard stuff:
-- WILL Whitey and Katfish figure out how to get along
and work together?
-- WILL Whitey win the affections of Grace?
-- WILL Whitey be victorious in the big breakdancing
competition?
-- WILL you care?
The answer to that last question is a resounding NO. I
had hopes that the federally mandated "gettin' strong
now" montage at the 55-minute mark would turn things
around, but no such luck.
Collins truck driver), a former disco dancing champ, to
train Whitey for the big breakdancing contest. At least
the judge didn't make Katfish serve as Whitey's butler.
Along the way, Whitey falls for a sorority girl by way of
Wednesday Adams named Grace. Naturally, her
ex-boyfriend is the reigning regional breakdancing
champ.
When all is said and done, we're dealing with some
pretty standard stuff:
-- WILL Whitey and Katfish figure out how to get along
and work together?
-- WILL Whitey win the affections of Grace?
-- WILL Whitey be victorious in the big breakdancing
competition?
-- WILL you care?
The answer to that last question is a resounding NO. I
had hopes that the federally mandated "gettin' strong
now" montage at the 55-minute mark would turn things
around, but no such luck.
The big problem with this movie -- bigger than the bad acting and predictable jokes you
see coming a mile away -- is that Whitey is annoying and awkward and pathetic and an
idiot. I don't mean that in a good way. Whitey is the kind of guy you just want to exchange
pleasantries with but get pinned into talking to endlessly, forcing you to invent a client
meeting or bladder infection. Even when you're supposed to feel bad for Whitey, he's
such a spastic tool that you just want him to go away instead. It makes you not care if
Whitey gets together with Grace or can learn how to breakdance, and there's no way a
filmmaker can "worm" out of a problem like that.
And on that note, please enjoy the worst finishing move in professional wrestling history:
see coming a mile away -- is that Whitey is annoying and awkward and pathetic and an
idiot. I don't mean that in a good way. Whitey is the kind of guy you just want to exchange
pleasantries with but get pinned into talking to endlessly, forcing you to invent a client
meeting or bladder infection. Even when you're supposed to feel bad for Whitey, he's
such a spastic tool that you just want him to go away instead. It makes you not care if
Whitey gets together with Grace or can learn how to breakdance, and there's no way a
filmmaker can "worm" out of a problem like that.
And on that note, please enjoy the worst finishing move in professional wrestling history:
| Boogie all June long with these featured reviews! |
