BLOODY MALLORY
* * (2005, 95 minutes, Rated R)
Bloody hell.
I'd taken on a lot of action movies lately. That's all good with me -- The 'Bin isn't meant to
specialize in any particular genre -- but I figured it was time to get back to some good old-
fashioned crappy splatterfest.
Unfortunately, I'm a sucker for bad marketing. The write-up for Bloody Mallory lead off with "The
Pope has been kidnapped!" Exclamation point! Oh no!
Like I said, I'm a sucker for bad marketing.
Right, so... um... The Pope has been kidnapped! And it's up to a team of "anti-paranormal
commandos" (imagine having that on your resume) to save him. Like most commando units, this
one consists of:
* * (2005, 95 minutes, Rated R)
Bloody hell.
I'd taken on a lot of action movies lately. That's all good with me -- The 'Bin isn't meant to
specialize in any particular genre -- but I figured it was time to get back to some good old-
fashioned crappy splatterfest.
Unfortunately, I'm a sucker for bad marketing. The write-up for Bloody Mallory lead off with "The
Pope has been kidnapped!" Exclamation point! Oh no!
Like I said, I'm a sucker for bad marketing.
Right, so... um... The Pope has been kidnapped! And it's up to a team of "anti-paranormal
commandos" (imagine having that on your resume) to save him. Like most commando units, this
one consists of:
- A towering transvestite who is an expert at explosives and nun-chucks,
- A little girl with a variety of telepathic powers,
- The French version of Columbo,
- And our title character, whose main abilities consist of Matrix-style fighting and looking
good in form-fitting leather outfits.
And only the French would subsidize a pink hearse for
military use. Oh, did I mention that this is a French film?
Oui, oui.
Team Mallory has an early battle in a convent with a horde
of ghouls that look like the Elephant Man on steroids. After
the Pope is kidnapped by another bunch of ghouls, Mallory
gets some info from her dead demon-husband and then
drives herself, Little Miss ESP (whose consciousness is
now in a bat) and their pink hearse into the Village of the
Damned.
Sound quirky, like a live-action anime version of "Buffy The
Vampire Slayer"? Bloody Mallory tries, and tries hard, but
much of the film is strangely joyless.
Maybe the film takes itself too seriously, or perhaps it's
just all the French. Take the scene where the Pope and
the tranny are arguing over contraception: Rather than it
being a light-hearted moment of whimsy, it's just
awkward, like a political argument over a holiday dinner.
Or when the tranny uses a neck brace to take out a pint-
military use. Oh, did I mention that this is a French film?
Oui, oui.
Team Mallory has an early battle in a convent with a horde
of ghouls that look like the Elephant Man on steroids. After
the Pope is kidnapped by another bunch of ghouls, Mallory
gets some info from her dead demon-husband and then
drives herself, Little Miss ESP (whose consciousness is
now in a bat) and their pink hearse into the Village of the
Damned.
Sound quirky, like a live-action anime version of "Buffy The
Vampire Slayer"? Bloody Mallory tries, and tries hard, but
much of the film is strangely joyless.
Maybe the film takes itself too seriously, or perhaps it's
just all the French. Take the scene where the Pope and
the tranny are arguing over contraception: Rather than it
being a light-hearted moment of whimsy, it's just
awkward, like a political argument over a holiday dinner.
Or when the tranny uses a neck brace to take out a pint-
sized demon... huh? Did the neck brace explode? Are demons afraid of neck braces? Who
knows - the tranny just chucks it at the camera and scooters away, no explanations necessary.
During moments like that -- or when the tranny suddenly drops the French and starts panicking in
English -- I could actually feel my brain twisting around in my head, trying to make sense of it.
Usually, that's the kind of thing I enjoy in the type of movies featured at The 'Bin. But in this case,
all it did was make me not care.
knows - the tranny just chucks it at the camera and scooters away, no explanations necessary.
During moments like that -- or when the tranny suddenly drops the French and starts panicking in
English -- I could actually feel my brain twisting around in my head, trying to make sense of it.
Usually, that's the kind of thing I enjoy in the type of movies featured at The 'Bin. But in this case,
all it did was make me not care.
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