BLOODSUCKING REDNECK VAMPIRES
* * * [give or take a *] (2004, 108 minutes, Unrated)
Not just any old vampires but BLOODSUCKING vampires!
This movie is well over 90 minutes long. That's usually a big red flag for me when I sit down to
view the movies reviewed here at The 'Bin. Face it: We're quite content to sit through three-plus
hours of top shelf productions such as The Godfather or The Lord of the Rings. But I doubt even
the filmmakers's mommas would call the movies featured here "top shelf."
So, how does a film with a title like Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires fill 108 minutes? Like this:
We open to some Goth Chick, who's not nearly as hot as she thinks she is, sitting in an
unfurnished living room, brooding and drinking wine (or is it?!?). Bluesy bar-band guitar music
plays. She sits and broods. A guy with pubescent facial hair and a muscle shirt standing around
in a hallway.
She quietly broods. He stands around. I sit on my couch. Five minutes pass like this. Hence the
red flag.
We eventually get to something that resembles a plot. The Goth Chick is actually some kind of
Big-Deal Vampire (just ask her!), complete with an absurd Transylvanian accent. The muscle shirt
guy is her human servant -- he's there to say, "Yes, Master," whine and give our Goth Chick
someone to talk at. The two are on the run from an unseen Vampire Hunter, and after a run-in with
the World's Chattiest Redneck (whose truck has a license plate from... Oregon?), our Goth Chick
* * * [give or take a *] (2004, 108 minutes, Unrated)
Not just any old vampires but BLOODSUCKING vampires!
This movie is well over 90 minutes long. That's usually a big red flag for me when I sit down to
view the movies reviewed here at The 'Bin. Face it: We're quite content to sit through three-plus
hours of top shelf productions such as The Godfather or The Lord of the Rings. But I doubt even
the filmmakers's mommas would call the movies featured here "top shelf."
So, how does a film with a title like Bloodsucking Redneck Vampires fill 108 minutes? Like this:
We open to some Goth Chick, who's not nearly as hot as she thinks she is, sitting in an
unfurnished living room, brooding and drinking wine (or is it?!?). Bluesy bar-band guitar music
plays. She sits and broods. A guy with pubescent facial hair and a muscle shirt standing around
in a hallway.
She quietly broods. He stands around. I sit on my couch. Five minutes pass like this. Hence the
red flag.
We eventually get to something that resembles a plot. The Goth Chick is actually some kind of
Big-Deal Vampire (just ask her!), complete with an absurd Transylvanian accent. The muscle shirt
guy is her human servant -- he's there to say, "Yes, Master," whine and give our Goth Chick
someone to talk at. The two are on the run from an unseen Vampire Hunter, and after a run-in with
the World's Chattiest Redneck (whose truck has a license plate from... Oregon?), our Goth Chick
| Oregon: Secret Haven for Rednecks |
comes up with her master
plan: Take over the small
town (of rednecks) to be
her undead army, and
make her stand against the
Vampire Hunter.
Having come to that
decision, the Goth Chick
disappears for the next
hour or so of the film...
...And we launch head-first
into sitcom territory! We
meet the Poissier family
(pronounced "pisser,"
'natch), who has just won a
contest to have their
bathroom redecorated.
With the arrival of interior
designer Claude -- who
comes complete with beret,
plan: Take over the small
town (of rednecks) to be
her undead army, and
make her stand against the
Vampire Hunter.
Having come to that
decision, the Goth Chick
disappears for the next
hour or so of the film...
...And we launch head-first
into sitcom territory! We
meet the Poissier family
(pronounced "pisser,"
'natch), who has just won a
contest to have their
bathroom redecorated.
With the arrival of interior
designer Claude -- who
comes complete with beret,
leather pants and OUTRAGE-EOUS French accent -- we get a full tour of the Poissiers' house and
social circle. And I do mean FULL TOUR.
This tangent leads to tangents about Ma Poissier's feud over the annual cook-off, the Tripe Days
beauty pageant, an upcoming poker night, peeping on a neighbor showering with a Little redneck
named Cletus, a beer run and numerous scenes of Claude, Cletus and Junior Poissier eating
beans. Yes, there are more fart jokes per minute in this film than in an episode of "Terrance and
Phillip."
Seriously, this isn't a horror movie. It's a comedy with vampires.
Speaking of which, from this point it takes nearly a half hour for the film to remember the "vampire"
part of the title. We're then treated to various rednecks becoming vampires... and promptly
bumbling into their own deaths. Turns out that redneck vampires aren't very bright.
But they do allow me the chance to offer up polls like this one:
social circle. And I do mean FULL TOUR.
This tangent leads to tangents about Ma Poissier's feud over the annual cook-off, the Tripe Days
beauty pageant, an upcoming poker night, peeping on a neighbor showering with a Little redneck
named Cletus, a beer run and numerous scenes of Claude, Cletus and Junior Poissier eating
beans. Yes, there are more fart jokes per minute in this film than in an episode of "Terrance and
Phillip."
Seriously, this isn't a horror movie. It's a comedy with vampires.
Speaking of which, from this point it takes nearly a half hour for the film to remember the "vampire"
part of the title. We're then treated to various rednecks becoming vampires... and promptly
bumbling into their own deaths. Turns out that redneck vampires aren't very bright.
But they do allow me the chance to offer up polls like this one:
The second half of the film is a showcase of laughably bad computer graphics and a jaw-dropping
lack of any sort of pacing, leading up to the big battle at the Tripe Days Festival between what's left
of the Goth Chick's redneck vampire army and Team Poissier.
Worst. Climatic face-off. Ever.
When I was in high school, my buddies and I would sometimes make movies (not like that, sicko)
of goofy little comedy sketches we called the Moron Movies. One such sketch was "Teenage
Mutant Ninja Nerd" -- picture two high school kids, one dressed up as a nerd, flailing around in a
"kung fu" battle... you get the idea. And our unrehearsed and unskilled "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Nerd" battle was still infinitely better than the final fight between the Goth Chick and the Vampire
Hunter.
Of course, after the first 100 minutes, anything less would have been out of place.
About that "give or take an asterisk" in the rating... It all comes down on what you think of redneck
humor. If you believe the show "Hee Haw" was brilliant, this is a four-asterisk movie. If hearing Jeff
Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck" routine makes your stomach sour, this is a two-asterisk
movie.
lack of any sort of pacing, leading up to the big battle at the Tripe Days Festival between what's left
of the Goth Chick's redneck vampire army and Team Poissier.
Worst. Climatic face-off. Ever.
When I was in high school, my buddies and I would sometimes make movies (not like that, sicko)
of goofy little comedy sketches we called the Moron Movies. One such sketch was "Teenage
Mutant Ninja Nerd" -- picture two high school kids, one dressed up as a nerd, flailing around in a
"kung fu" battle... you get the idea. And our unrehearsed and unskilled "Teenage Mutant Ninja
Nerd" battle was still infinitely better than the final fight between the Goth Chick and the Vampire
Hunter.
Of course, after the first 100 minutes, anything less would have been out of place.
About that "give or take an asterisk" in the rating... It all comes down on what you think of redneck
humor. If you believe the show "Hee Haw" was brilliant, this is a four-asterisk movie. If hearing Jeff
Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck" routine makes your stomach sour, this is a two-asterisk
movie.
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
