BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
BLOOD ANGELS
* * * (2004, 98 minutes, Rated R)
Also known as Thralls, except no one knows what the hell a thrall is.
I had high hopes for this film. I saw the cover, read that the movie starred Lorenzo Lamas and
a "bevy of fanged femme fatales," and had visions of a vampire film by way of Skinamax.
Lovely, lovely visions.
I'm sorry to report that this is not that movie. Oh sure, there is a scene where one of the
aforementioned fanged femme fatales unveils her fantastic fun bags for an unsuspecting
victim… only to have CGI worm-thingies come busting out of them. Clearly, this movie isn't a
complete loss.
Here's the story: A pack of hottie half-vampires [Attn Filmmakers: The concept of a "half-
vampire" makes no sense. It's like claiming to be half-pregnant, jackholes! – nolahn] run a rave
while on the lam from their master, played by Lorenzo Lamas, straight off the set of Are You
Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest Person. One of the lady vamps has just taken in her kid
sister, who doesn't know about the whole vampire thing yet. Over the course of the night, an aw-
shucks farm boy (tagging along with his cousin, "Doughboy") and Kid Sis meet cute, glowsticks
are waved and Lamas shows up to chew scenery.
So you see, this film is not so much vampires by way of Skinamax as the rave-sitcom (ravcom?)
version of From Dusk Till Dawn.
While lacking in gratuitous nudity, there’s still plenty to like in this film. The ladies strut around
FIERCELY in skimpy outfits, and the sparingly-used Lamas is good campy fun. The film also
* * * (2004, 98 minutes, Rated R)
Also known as Thralls, except no one knows what the hell a thrall is.
I had high hopes for this film. I saw the cover, read that the movie starred Lorenzo Lamas and
a "bevy of fanged femme fatales," and had visions of a vampire film by way of Skinamax.
Lovely, lovely visions.
I'm sorry to report that this is not that movie. Oh sure, there is a scene where one of the
aforementioned fanged femme fatales unveils her fantastic fun bags for an unsuspecting
victim… only to have CGI worm-thingies come busting out of them. Clearly, this movie isn't a
complete loss.
Here's the story: A pack of hottie half-vampires [Attn Filmmakers: The concept of a "half-
vampire" makes no sense. It's like claiming to be half-pregnant, jackholes! – nolahn] run a rave
while on the lam from their master, played by Lorenzo Lamas, straight off the set of Are You
Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest Person. One of the lady vamps has just taken in her kid
sister, who doesn't know about the whole vampire thing yet. Over the course of the night, an aw-
shucks farm boy (tagging along with his cousin, "Doughboy") and Kid Sis meet cute, glowsticks
are waved and Lamas shows up to chew scenery.
So you see, this film is not so much vampires by way of Skinamax as the rave-sitcom (ravcom?)
version of From Dusk Till Dawn.
While lacking in gratuitous nudity, there’s still plenty to like in this film. The ladies strut around
FIERCELY in skimpy outfits, and the sparingly-used Lamas is good campy fun. The film also
features the Necronomicon, an absurd scheme involving the
winter solstice, even more absurd kung-fu fighting stances, a
magical CD, an indestructible toady named Remmy, a clip-
show recap in case you lost consciousness and a cameo by
Hunter S. Thompson.
You’ll want to come for all those things, but you’ll stay for the
Doughboy. Played by Kevan Ohtsji, Doughboy is an Asian
brainiac posing as a hip-hop gangsta in a way I can only
describe as "Vanilla Ice-esque." The character is meant to be
comic relief, and for once, it works. Here is some of the Tao
of Doughboy for you to enjoy:
(his first line) "Yo, yo! Check out the hot booty on that bitch!"
* * *
Bartender, looking over ID suspiciously: "You're 36?"
Doughboy: "Yo. I moisturize!"
* * *
winter solstice, even more absurd kung-fu fighting stances, a
magical CD, an indestructible toady named Remmy, a clip-
show recap in case you lost consciousness and a cameo by
Hunter S. Thompson.
You’ll want to come for all those things, but you’ll stay for the
Doughboy. Played by Kevan Ohtsji, Doughboy is an Asian
brainiac posing as a hip-hop gangsta in a way I can only
describe as "Vanilla Ice-esque." The character is meant to be
comic relief, and for once, it works. Here is some of the Tao
of Doughboy for you to enjoy:
(his first line) "Yo, yo! Check out the hot booty on that bitch!"
* * *
Bartender, looking over ID suspiciously: "You're 36?"
Doughboy: "Yo. I moisturize!"
* * *
Hottie half-vamp, making her move on Doughboy: "This track is 11 minutes and 17 seconds…
Think that's enough time?"
Doughboy: "Ah yeah! I'll be done way before then."
My hope is that the folks who made this film, credited as – and I'm not making this up – "Vampire
Production Productions," will soon come out with a sequel titled Blood Angels II: Rise of the
Doughboy.
Think that's enough time?"
Doughboy: "Ah yeah! I'll be done way before then."
My hope is that the folks who made this film, credited as – and I'm not making this up – "Vampire
Production Productions," will soon come out with a sequel titled Blood Angels II: Rise of the
Doughboy.
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