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BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)
* * (2006, 95 minutes, Unrated)
Yes, the double-listing of "2006" is redundant.
So, I guess the story goes like this: Know all those slasher movies where the killer hues his way
through an endless supply of sorority girls? I guess that old chestnut originated with 1974’s Black
Christmas, a film that was well-received by critics and helped inspire such films as Halloween and
Friday the 13th.
Sounds pretty good, eh? I thought so, too. That’s why I opted to review the 2006 remake that
Dimension Films farted out instead.
* * (2006, 95 minutes, Unrated)
Yes, the double-listing of "2006" is redundant.
So, I guess the story goes like this: Know all those slasher movies where the killer hues his way
through an endless supply of sorority girls? I guess that old chestnut originated with 1974’s Black
Christmas, a film that was well-received by critics and helped inspire such films as Halloween and
Friday the 13th.
Sounds pretty good, eh? I thought so, too. That’s why I opted to review the 2006 remake that
Dimension Films farted out instead.
 |
No dawdling in the 2006 version of Black Christmas! We open on
Christmas Eve Night at the sorority house, with close-ups of
scissors, corkscrews, pens and other sharp but usually un-lethal
household objects. Scary! Hey, Unnamed Sorority Girl, did you
see that movement in the closet? Is that someone under your
bed? Cue jump scare.
Meanwhile, in an asylum for the criminally insane, a prison guard
helpfully gives a local Santa the 411 on inmate Billy Lenz. We learn
that Billy killed his whole family in spectacular fashion one
Christmas Eve many moons ago, and he tries to escape from the
asylum every Christmas so he can return home. Will this be the
year Billy successfully escapes? Is his home now the sorority
house we saw in the opening? Do you really need me to answer
these questions?
That’s not to say that the film is completely devoid of surprises. For
example, they’ve given Billy some kind of liver disease that makes
his skin yellow, just like That Yellow Bastard in Sin City. That
was… unexpected. As was Billy’s backstory, which we eventually
get in an extended flashback. The sequence somehow makes
Billy the most justified serial killer I’ve ever seen in a film -- still
can't tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
And then there’s the unexpected cast, which consists of David
Cassidy’s daughter, the kid sister from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer,"
John McClane’s daughter, the kid sister from “Party of Five” and
Crystal Lowe.
Given the context, you could understand how I assumed that Ms.
Lowe was somehow related to Rob Lowe. She isn’t.
Christmas Eve Night at the sorority house, with close-ups of
scissors, corkscrews, pens and other sharp but usually un-lethal
household objects. Scary! Hey, Unnamed Sorority Girl, did you
see that movement in the closet? Is that someone under your
bed? Cue jump scare.
Meanwhile, in an asylum for the criminally insane, a prison guard
helpfully gives a local Santa the 411 on inmate Billy Lenz. We learn
that Billy killed his whole family in spectacular fashion one
Christmas Eve many moons ago, and he tries to escape from the
asylum every Christmas so he can return home. Will this be the
year Billy successfully escapes? Is his home now the sorority
house we saw in the opening? Do you really need me to answer
these questions?
That’s not to say that the film is completely devoid of surprises. For
example, they’ve given Billy some kind of liver disease that makes
his skin yellow, just like That Yellow Bastard in Sin City. That
was… unexpected. As was Billy’s backstory, which we eventually
get in an extended flashback. The sequence somehow makes
Billy the most justified serial killer I’ve ever seen in a film -- still
can't tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
And then there’s the unexpected cast, which consists of David
Cassidy’s daughter, the kid sister from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer,"
John McClane’s daughter, the kid sister from “Party of Five” and
Crystal Lowe.
Given the context, you could understand how I assumed that Ms.
Lowe was somehow related to Rob Lowe. She isn’t.
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| The lovely cast of 2006's Black Christmas. You're welcome. |
Also unexpected -- and a bit disorienting -- is how scenes of Billy’s escape is intercut with scenes
of sorority sisters being picked off one by one. Way to telegraph one of the big twists, movie.
Oh, it’s the holiday season, and perhaps I shouldn’t be such a scrooge. Much of the film is quite
good -- even accounting for some shoe-horned casting from the original, the obvious red herrings
and the fragility of the victims (one girl is instantly killed by a thrown pair of ice skates). The
filmmakers do a great job of building tension. Heck, there’s even a nice sequence where the
unlikable boyfriend’s secret (unrelated to the killings) is about to come to light, and even though
you want him to get caught… tension!
And then we get to the end…
No, I don’t mean the climax -- that happens about 20 minutes before the end of the film. But let’s
be honest: we kinda expect the climax to slasher films to be a bit over the top, don’t we? So when it
gets ridiculous, stuff like chase scenes between the walls of the house or the unstoppable killer,
after being stabbed in the eye with a fork, pulling the eye out without even a grimace. That all ends
with a giant fire and paramedics wrapping the survivors in blankets, cuz how else could it end?
Sadly, it could end with an extra and wholly unnecessary 20 minutes, which I’ll rant about in this
spoiler box:
of sorority sisters being picked off one by one. Way to telegraph one of the big twists, movie.
Oh, it’s the holiday season, and perhaps I shouldn’t be such a scrooge. Much of the film is quite
good -- even accounting for some shoe-horned casting from the original, the obvious red herrings
and the fragility of the victims (one girl is instantly killed by a thrown pair of ice skates). The
filmmakers do a great job of building tension. Heck, there’s even a nice sequence where the
unlikable boyfriend’s secret (unrelated to the killings) is about to come to light, and even though
you want him to get caught… tension!
And then we get to the end…
No, I don’t mean the climax -- that happens about 20 minutes before the end of the film. But let’s
be honest: we kinda expect the climax to slasher films to be a bit over the top, don’t we? So when it
gets ridiculous, stuff like chase scenes between the walls of the house or the unstoppable killer,
after being stabbed in the eye with a fork, pulling the eye out without even a grimace. That all ends
with a giant fire and paramedics wrapping the survivors in blankets, cuz how else could it end?
Sadly, it could end with an extra and wholly unnecessary 20 minutes, which I’ll rant about in this
spoiler box:
| While the survivors get some much-needed rest in the hospital, the body bags of the killers are brought in to the morgue. Before the medical examiner can start in, the bags unzip and the killers pop out, unharmed and slaughtering up a storm. Okay, I’m calling shenanigans: 1) The killers were both pretty beat up and locked in the house which, as far as we could tell, burned down to the ground. 2) And it’s not like they found a way to escape. They were in body bags, which means someone at the scene found the bodies, examined them and declared them deceased. 3) But they pop back awake, rearing to go? Shenanigans! |
And that’s a shame. For the most part, Black Christmas is a far better movie than anyone could
expect it to be, but those last 20 minutes torpedo the whole thing.