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BARBIE AND THE THREE MUSKETEERS
* * (2009, 81 minutes, Unrated)
Grrl-Powered Dumas
Last time I covered a Barbie movie, she trampled all over Charles Dickens. This time around, it's
the Alexandre Dumas classic that gets the Barbie makeover.
This version sets itself up as a sequel of sorts: CGI Barbie is Corinne, the daughter of D'Artagnan.
Like her old man in the original Dumas story, she's a hot-headed teen obsessed with becoming a
Musketeer. Armed with some platitudes and a letter of introduction, Corinne sets out for Paris with
D'Artagnan's old horse, Alexander, and her sword-wielding cat, Myelle.
Let's stop right here to talk about Myelle. I don't know why, but there seems to be some
requirement in these straight-to-DVD Barbie movies to saddle Barbie with an "adorable" pet
sidekick. Other Barbie sidekicks have included puppies, baby dragons, flying puffballs and a
barking cat, but Myelle is the worst.
To reiterate, Myelle is a sword-wielding cat. And Myelle isn't afraid to whip it out, because Myelle is
a "feisty" one-note wonder, always spoiling for a fight and wanting to become a -- I shudder at the
mere thought of typing this -- MuskCATteer. Ugh.
In other words, Myelle is the Scrappy Doo of the story.
* * (2009, 81 minutes, Unrated)
Grrl-Powered Dumas
Last time I covered a Barbie movie, she trampled all over Charles Dickens. This time around, it's
the Alexandre Dumas classic that gets the Barbie makeover.
This version sets itself up as a sequel of sorts: CGI Barbie is Corinne, the daughter of D'Artagnan.
Like her old man in the original Dumas story, she's a hot-headed teen obsessed with becoming a
Musketeer. Armed with some platitudes and a letter of introduction, Corinne sets out for Paris with
D'Artagnan's old horse, Alexander, and her sword-wielding cat, Myelle.
Let's stop right here to talk about Myelle. I don't know why, but there seems to be some
requirement in these straight-to-DVD Barbie movies to saddle Barbie with an "adorable" pet
sidekick. Other Barbie sidekicks have included puppies, baby dragons, flying puffballs and a
barking cat, but Myelle is the worst.
To reiterate, Myelle is a sword-wielding cat. And Myelle isn't afraid to whip it out, because Myelle is
a "feisty" one-note wonder, always spoiling for a fight and wanting to become a -- I shudder at the
mere thought of typing this -- MuskCATteer. Ugh.
In other words, Myelle is the Scrappy Doo of the story.
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Let's get back to the story: Corinne is shot down almost immediately -- she can't be a Musketeer,
she's as gurr-urrl. She bumps into and ticks off three other girls (one at a time, just like in the
original) and soon befriends them over domestic duties around the castle (don't remember that
from the original). We soon learn that the other three girls also dream of being Musketeers --
they're not actually Musketeers, making the title inaccurate -- and the four are soon taken under
the wing of a Yoda-like old maid.
Meanwhile, there's the whole "assassinate the prince" plot with Tim Curry (!!) scheming to off his
science-obsessed cousin to put himself in line for the throne. That was depressing -- not the
storyline, but the fact that Tim Curry does voice work for Barbie movies.
she's as gurr-urrl. She bumps into and ticks off three other girls (one at a time, just like in the
original) and soon befriends them over domestic duties around the castle (don't remember that
from the original). We soon learn that the other three girls also dream of being Musketeers --
they're not actually Musketeers, making the title inaccurate -- and the four are soon taken under
the wing of a Yoda-like old maid.
Meanwhile, there's the whole "assassinate the prince" plot with Tim Curry (!!) scheming to off his
science-obsessed cousin to put himself in line for the throne. That was depressing -- not the
storyline, but the fact that Tim Curry does voice work for Barbie movies.
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| Scrappy Doo: Ruining animated stories since 1979. |
After a few failed attempts, it looks like the Big Masquerade
Ball is Tim Curry's last attempt to off the prince. Do the
girls have the skills to foil the plan? We'll need a training
montage! And a gettin' gussied up montage -- it's not a
Barbie movie without an excuse to put her in a ball gown.
At the ball, Corinne foils the assassination attempt (for like
the third time), and she and her cohorts strip off their
dresses (!!!) into fight-ready mini skirts and take on a
whole slew of henchmen to a reworking of EMF's
"Unbelievable."
Ball is Tim Curry's last attempt to off the prince. Do the
girls have the skills to foil the plan? We'll need a training
montage! And a gettin' gussied up montage -- it's not a
Barbie movie without an excuse to put her in a ball gown.
At the ball, Corinne foils the assassination attempt (for like
the third time), and she and her cohorts strip off their
dresses (!!!) into fight-ready mini skirts and take on a
whole slew of henchmen to a reworking of EMF's
"Unbelievable."
| Don't worry, Mr. Curry. You'll always be Wadsworth to me. |
And I thought the casting of Tim Curry was depressing! As a Gen-Xer, I used to listen to EMF all
the time. I know they fell off after 1992 and probably need the money, but geez. Could there be
anything worse than selling your biggest hit to a Barbie movie?
the time. I know they fell off after 1992 and probably need the money, but geez. Could there be
anything worse than selling your biggest hit to a Barbie movie?
Okay, so I guess this movie works for its target audience -- the Nolahnettes certainly love it -- but
there's an inherent flaw in putting Barbie in an action romp like The Three Musketeers: any and all
sense of danger is immediately stripped from the story. And without any sense that the
protagonists might get the least bit injured, the fight scenes start becoming meaningless (e.g.,
the Burly Brawl from The Matrix Reloaded) -- all boiling down to a bunch of jumping around and
pseudo-tough talk.
Sure, Barbie and her opponents wield swords, but will they be used for anything other than to
knock things out of people's hands or cut ropes? Of course not. Hell, the other girls aren't even
given swords, using sling shots and ribbon whips and fans instead.
"Unbelievable" indeed.
there's an inherent flaw in putting Barbie in an action romp like The Three Musketeers: any and all
sense of danger is immediately stripped from the story. And without any sense that the
protagonists might get the least bit injured, the fight scenes start becoming meaningless (e.g.,
the Burly Brawl from The Matrix Reloaded) -- all boiling down to a bunch of jumping around and
pseudo-tough talk.
Sure, Barbie and her opponents wield swords, but will they be used for anything other than to
knock things out of people's hands or cut ropes? Of course not. Hell, the other girls aren't even
given swords, using sling shots and ribbon whips and fans instead.
"Unbelievable" indeed.
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