BAIL OUT
* * ("1997," 88 minutes, Rated R)
Hundreds of billions of dollars couldn't bail out this flick.
According to Netflix, this movie was released in 1997. I'm not calling them liars (though they have
made some clerical errors in the past on their write-ups), but there is no way this movie was made
any earlier than 1987. Everything about this movie -- the giant cell phones, the L.A. Raiders
* * ("1997," 88 minutes, Rated R)
Hundreds of billions of dollars couldn't bail out this flick.
According to Netflix, this movie was released in 1997. I'm not calling them liars (though they have
made some clerical errors in the past on their write-ups), but there is no way this movie was made
any earlier than 1987. Everything about this movie -- the giant cell phones, the L.A. Raiders
| Some of the modern technology in Bail Out. |
references, even the choice of film stock --
makes this film look horribly, horribly dated.
And not in a good way.
My guess is that this film sat on a shelf
somewhere until The Hoff (Patron Saint of
the Bargain Bin Review), hit it big on
"Baywatch." And The Hoff certainly brings
some of that "Baywatch" charm to the film.
Particularly when we first see him, playing
tennis in slow-motion.
makes this film look horribly, horribly dated.
And not in a good way.
My guess is that this film sat on a shelf
somewhere until The Hoff (Patron Saint of
the Bargain Bin Review), hit it big on
"Baywatch." And The Hoff certainly brings
some of that "Baywatch" charm to the film.
Particularly when we first see him, playing
tennis in slow-motion.
In Bail Out, The Hoff is a part-time tennis pro, part-time bounty hunter and full-time pretty boy
affectionately called "White Bread" by his delicately multi-ethnic bounty hunter pals. The Hoff is sent
to pick up an heiress (played by Linda Blair -- yes, that one) who has just been released on bail.
Unfortunately, some other guys grab her first... and then another bunch of guys with Uzis mow them
down and grab her... and it doesn't take The Hoff long to realize that he's in way over his head.
affectionately called "White Bread" by his delicately multi-ethnic bounty hunter pals. The Hoff is sent
to pick up an heiress (played by Linda Blair -- yes, that one) who has just been released on bail.
Unfortunately, some other guys grab her first... and then another bunch of guys with Uzis mow them
down and grab her... and it doesn't take The Hoff long to realize that he's in way over his head.
| If it weren't for "Baywatch," I probably would never have seen this film. Damn you, "Baywatch." |
That's when he calls in his delicately multi-ethnic
bounty hunter pals to form a sort of "A-Team" Lite.
From there, the film somehow gets mixed up with
Dean Wormer from Animal House (who, sadly, lacks
the seething rage of his role in Killer Klowns From
Outer Space) and some kind of drug war between the
Colombians and the Iranians (?) and they all end up in
Mexico and... I really have no idea. And I was taking
notes.
It's all a visit to Bad Acting Central, what with the
outrageous accents and flat deliveries and comical
reaction shots. Leading the pack is the fantastically
named Zalanzar, who is not only a Drug Lord but Lord
of the Pregnant Pause. When not wowwing us with its
lousy acting, the film makes time to demean women,
gays and Hispanics. Very charming.
bounty hunter pals to form a sort of "A-Team" Lite.
From there, the film somehow gets mixed up with
Dean Wormer from Animal House (who, sadly, lacks
the seething rage of his role in Killer Klowns From
Outer Space) and some kind of drug war between the
Colombians and the Iranians (?) and they all end up in
Mexico and... I really have no idea. And I was taking
notes.
It's all a visit to Bad Acting Central, what with the
outrageous accents and flat deliveries and comical
reaction shots. Leading the pack is the fantastically
named Zalanzar, who is not only a Drug Lord but Lord
of the Pregnant Pause. When not wowwing us with its
lousy acting, the film makes time to demean women,
gays and Hispanics. Very charming.
It all builds up to a climatic escape, ultimately consisting of all the good guys taking cover and
waiting for The Hoff to trot up a biiiiiig his so he can shoot a flare at a helicopter.
See what I put up with for you?
waiting for The Hoff to trot up a biiiiiig his so he can shoot a flare at a helicopter.
See what I put up with for you?
| This is one Bail Out that even President Obama wouldn't try to sell to you. |
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