BAD GIRLS FROM MARS
* (1991?, 81 minutes, Rated R)
"There's no room on Mars for limp dicks!"
That, sadly, was one of the more inspired lines of dialog in this movie.
*sigh*
We open with this cheesetastic narration: "Ladies and gentlemen, the motion picture you're about
to see deals frankly with the subject of low-budget films. It contains sexually explicit scenes that
may shock some members of the audience." The solution, our helpful narrator narrates, is to
accompany sex scenes with a submarine dive horn.
If you think this is absolutely hilarious, then Bad Girls from Mars is right up your alley... and there's
little I can do to help you.
* (1991?, 81 minutes, Rated R)
"There's no room on Mars for limp dicks!"
That, sadly, was one of the more inspired lines of dialog in this movie.
*sigh*
We open with this cheesetastic narration: "Ladies and gentlemen, the motion picture you're about
to see deals frankly with the subject of low-budget films. It contains sexually explicit scenes that
may shock some members of the audience." The solution, our helpful narrator narrates, is to
accompany sex scenes with a submarine dive horn.
If you think this is absolutely hilarious, then Bad Girls from Mars is right up your alley... and there's
little I can do to help you.
Opening credits! Synthesizer! Outer space! And that
planet must be Mar-- no. I haven't studied the solar
system since grade school, and even I know that the
planet with the big frickin' red spot is Jupiter.
We have to wait a whole three minutes before our first
shot of gratuitous nudity. And it really is gratuitous: A
Space Lady in a sadly unflattering "sexy" space outfit has
Indiana Jones' Uncle Abner cuffed to a wall, and for his
lack of cooperation in... uh, doing whatever, she takes off
her top? I did enjoy the fact that she struggled with the
fastener in the front of her bra -- glad to see I'm not the
only one.
Space Lady is about to examine Uncle Abner's "captain's
log" when SURPRISE! It's a film within a film! Uh, this is
such a tired storyline. So tired that Shakespeare did it
planet must be Mar-- no. I haven't studied the solar
system since grade school, and even I know that the
planet with the big frickin' red spot is Jupiter.
We have to wait a whole three minutes before our first
shot of gratuitous nudity. And it really is gratuitous: A
Space Lady in a sadly unflattering "sexy" space outfit has
Indiana Jones' Uncle Abner cuffed to a wall, and for his
lack of cooperation in... uh, doing whatever, she takes off
her top? I did enjoy the fact that she struggled with the
fastener in the front of her bra -- glad to see I'm not the
only one.
Space Lady is about to examine Uncle Abner's "captain's
log" when SURPRISE! It's a film within a film! Uh, this is
such a tired storyline. So tired that Shakespeare did it
| Not appearing in this film. |
three times. The only thing that could make this even more tired is if there's a killer on the loose,
picking off people on the se-- oh, never mind.
This is so not the movie I was hoping for.
So the film within the film (ugh) is called "Bad Girls from Mars," and thanks to the Killer on the
Loose, had picked up a reputation for being jinxed -- losing four female leads to "tragic deaths"
will do that. To save the film, the producers have arranged for the world-famous author/madam
Emanuelle, to take the lead role. Emanuelle is played by Edy Williams. I suppose that's a big
deal to some people, but since I didn't hit puberty in the late '60s, I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, the director picks Emanuelle up at the airport so he can take her directly to a cast
meeting. Emanuelle responds, naturally, by changing her clothes in the back of his convertible
(top down, 'course) as they drive through Beverly Hills -- boobies AND "comedy"!
I'm guessing by the way all the characters react to Emanuelle, she's not just a world-famous
author and madam, but a sex goddess to boot. I had a hard time seeing it, particularly since she
sounds like a drag queen and delivers her lines like a Peanuts character.
picking off people on the se-- oh, never mind.
This is so not the movie I was hoping for.
So the film within the film (ugh) is called "Bad Girls from Mars," and thanks to the Killer on the
Loose, had picked up a reputation for being jinxed -- losing four female leads to "tragic deaths"
will do that. To save the film, the producers have arranged for the world-famous author/madam
Emanuelle, to take the lead role. Emanuelle is played by Edy Williams. I suppose that's a big
deal to some people, but since I didn't hit puberty in the late '60s, I'm not one of those people.
Anyway, the director picks Emanuelle up at the airport so he can take her directly to a cast
meeting. Emanuelle responds, naturally, by changing her clothes in the back of his convertible
(top down, 'course) as they drive through Beverly Hills -- boobies AND "comedy"!
I'm guessing by the way all the characters react to Emanuelle, she's not just a world-famous
author and madam, but a sex goddess to boot. I had a hard time seeing it, particularly since she
sounds like a drag queen and delivers her lines like a Peanuts character.
| See what I'm dealing with here? Uncle Abner and Emanuelle "acting" in Bad Girls from Mars. |
And on and on it goes. Sitting
through bad acting is one
thing... sitting through bad acting
with a script written by a
12-year-old's version of "sexy
comedy" is another. Do we
really need the "BOING-BOING!"
sound effect whenever
Emanuelle runs up stairs? Or
the waaaaacky music whenever
the director trips and falls over?
Apparently you do if you're one of
the makers of Bad Girls from
Mars.
I've just barely mentioned the
whole mystery of the Killer on
the Loose. Is it Uncle Abner?
The bitchy costume girl? The
through bad acting is one
thing... sitting through bad acting
with a script written by a
12-year-old's version of "sexy
comedy" is another. Do we
really need the "BOING-BOING!"
sound effect whenever
Emanuelle runs up stairs? Or
the waaaaacky music whenever
the director trips and falls over?
Apparently you do if you're one of
the makers of Bad Girls from
Mars.
I've just barely mentioned the
whole mystery of the Killer on
the Loose. Is it Uncle Abner?
The bitchy costume girl? The
P.A. with a thing for the director? Or is it Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z...
Sorry about that. I just bored the living hell out of myself writing about the mystery killer plotline.
In short, this movie sucks. And not in a good way. There are actually a handful of flattering
recaps in the User Comments section of IMDB that I can only assume were posted by family
members of the filmmakers. If you really need something with lots of immature humor and
softcore action, you're better off digging around for a copy of Hardbodies or playing a game of
Leisure Suit Larry.
Sorry about that. I just bored the living hell out of myself writing about the mystery killer plotline.
In short, this movie sucks. And not in a good way. There are actually a handful of flattering
recaps in the User Comments section of IMDB that I can only assume were posted by family
members of the filmmakers. If you really need something with lots of immature humor and
softcore action, you're better off digging around for a copy of Hardbodies or playing a game of
Leisure Suit Larry.
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