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THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES
* (1968, 91 minutes, Unrated)
The cure for insomnia.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
The Astro-Zombies opens with some lady cruising around in a convertible Mustang (sweet!),
listening to groovy tunes. To a seasoned movie reviewer like myself, this is like a neon sign
screaming "We don't know how to start our movie!" Sweet ride aside, I can't think of something
more mind-numbing to watch in a movie than some random person driving.
Mustang Sally eventually pulls into her garage. That would usually signal the end of the opening
credits, but the filmmakers have saved the opening credits for something else. Mustang Sally
steps out of the car, thinks she hears something, and is promptly attacked by a regular at the Mos
Eisley Cantina.
* (1968, 91 minutes, Unrated)
The cure for insomnia.
IN A HURRY? CHECK OUT OUR MINI-REVIEW IN THE UTICA OBSERVER-DISPATCH!
The Astro-Zombies opens with some lady cruising around in a convertible Mustang (sweet!),
listening to groovy tunes. To a seasoned movie reviewer like myself, this is like a neon sign
screaming "We don't know how to start our movie!" Sweet ride aside, I can't think of something
more mind-numbing to watch in a movie than some random person driving.
Mustang Sally eventually pulls into her garage. That would usually signal the end of the opening
credits, but the filmmakers have saved the opening credits for something else. Mustang Sally
steps out of the car, thinks she hears something, and is promptly attacked by a regular at the Mos
Eisley Cantina.
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We even get a cliché shot of blood splatter against the side of the car, which is a horrible way to
treat a Mustang. And credits.
So naturally, I thought this movie was a spoof. I mean, c'mon. It had to be. The opening credit
sequence consists of toy robots walking around to Incredibly Ominous Music. Toy robots. Who
does that and thinks their film will be taken seriously?
treat a Mustang. And credits.
So naturally, I thought this movie was a spoof. I mean, c'mon. It had to be. The opening credit
sequence consists of toy robots walking around to Incredibly Ominous Music. Toy robots. Who
does that and thinks their film will be taken seriously?
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| The Astro-Zombie (left) and some of his drinking buddies (right). |
| Just in case you thought I was kidding. |
This is a disjointed mess of a film, assembled Frankenstein-style from different story ideas, so I'll
do my best to sum it up: There have been a series of "mutilation murders" in greater L.A. that the
CIA thinks is connected to the experiments of disgruntled ex-NASA egghead Dr. DeMarco (John
Carradine). It seems that the next phase of NASA's space exploration was to send "synthetic
astronauts" ("Like a zombie!" one character helpfully adds) into space. Dr. DeMarco then planned
to push the thoughts of world-class astrophysicist into the heads of the, oh, let's call them
"Astro-Zombies," by sending "thought waves" via radio transmissions.
do my best to sum it up: There have been a series of "mutilation murders" in greater L.A. that the
CIA thinks is connected to the experiments of disgruntled ex-NASA egghead Dr. DeMarco (John
Carradine). It seems that the next phase of NASA's space exploration was to send "synthetic
astronauts" ("Like a zombie!" one character helpfully adds) into space. Dr. DeMarco then planned
to push the thoughts of world-class astrophysicist into the heads of the, oh, let's call them
"Astro-Zombies," by sending "thought waves" via radio transmissions.
| NASA: Making zombies since 1968. |
Dr. DeMarco was dismissed for some reason
or other -- perhaps he'd spent too much time
inventing plastic pulsing brains? -- and the CIA
believes that DeMarco has not only continued
his work, but that one of these Astro-Zombies is
causing the murders.
Which is true. We get numerous scenes of
DeMarco mad scientist-ing it up, which could
have been fun if we got to see him do
something more interesting than unscrew the
back of a control panel, insert a chip and then
or other -- perhaps he'd spent too much time
inventing plastic pulsing brains? -- and the CIA
believes that DeMarco has not only continued
his work, but that one of these Astro-Zombies is
causing the murders.
Which is true. We get numerous scenes of
DeMarco mad scientist-ing it up, which could
have been fun if we got to see him do
something more interesting than unscrew the
back of a control panel, insert a chip and then
screw the panel back on. Yes, the film features a full two minutes of hot Philips screwdriver action.
DeMarco helpfully explains every single thing he does to his greasy "hunchback" assistant, who
wears the same glazed over look I must have had during the film. As for DeMarco, he really must
be mad: At one point, they drain a body of all its blood using the exact technique I use to drain the
water out of my fish tank. Later, Dr. DeMarco shows off his "solar-powered artificial heart." Shining
any kind of light on the heart will make it beat, DeMarco crows. That will be very helpful once it's in
someone's chest.
Not only is the CIA after Dr. DeMarco, but the Commies are as well. This leads to many, many
scenes of an incredibly slow-moving game of cat and mouse between the two. The Commies sit
DeMarco helpfully explains every single thing he does to his greasy "hunchback" assistant, who
wears the same glazed over look I must have had during the film. As for DeMarco, he really must
be mad: At one point, they drain a body of all its blood using the exact technique I use to drain the
water out of my fish tank. Later, Dr. DeMarco shows off his "solar-powered artificial heart." Shining
any kind of light on the heart will make it beat, DeMarco crows. That will be very helpful once it's in
someone's chest.
Not only is the CIA after Dr. DeMarco, but the Commies are as well. This leads to many, many
scenes of an incredibly slow-moving game of cat and mouse between the two. The Commies sit
around, smoking and drinking.
The CIA stands around,
listening to the wire taps.
Every once in a while,
someone gets killed in the
most uninteresting way
possible. Then it's the CIA's
turn to sit around, smoking
and drinking, only they get to
watch a very '60s topless
dance. USA! USA! USA!
There's some other stuff with
the scientist girlfriend of one
The CIA stands around,
listening to the wire taps.
Every once in a while,
someone gets killed in the
most uninteresting way
possible. Then it's the CIA's
turn to sit around, smoking
and drinking, only they get to
watch a very '60s topless
dance. USA! USA! USA!
There's some other stuff with
the scientist girlfriend of one
| Exciting spy excitement from The Astro-Zombies. |
CIA agent being used as Astro-Zombie Bait, but I'd dozed off by then. It's an occupational hazard,
but unlike other times a Bargain Bin Review-caliber film had put me to sleep, it was well before
10pm and I hadn't been drinking.
I couldn't help it. No matter how hard I tried, I kept dozing off. I must've conked out at least three or
four times during the 91-minute movie.
At least it wasn't just me: About halfway through the film, the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn joined me, and
The Astro-Zombies had her out cold in 20 minutes flat.
This film really is the cure for insomnia.
but unlike other times a Bargain Bin Review-caliber film had put me to sleep, it was well before
10pm and I hadn't been drinking.
I couldn't help it. No matter how hard I tried, I kept dozing off. I must've conked out at least three or
four times during the 91-minute movie.
At least it wasn't just me: About halfway through the film, the Lovely Mrs. Nolahn joined me, and
The Astro-Zombies had her out cold in 20 minutes flat.
This film really is the cure for insomnia.
Think Nolahn was being unfair to this movie? Hell, he couldn't even stay away during the whole
thing! If you're looking for a second opinion, then may we recommend...
ACHETER ET ENTRETNIR SA TRONCONNEUSE
VAULT OF OBSCURITY
thing! If you're looking for a second opinion, then may we recommend...
ACHETER ET ENTRETNIR SA TRONCONNEUSE
VAULT OF OBSCURITY