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ALMIGHTY THOR
* * * * (2011, 90 minutes, Unrated)
Netflix: "This movie is: Exciting"
In his review of Marvel's summer blockbuster, Thor, Roger Ebert dissed the God of Thunder,
saying "You don't have to be especially intelligent to wield a hammer, which is just as well,
because in the film Thor (Chris Hemsworth) doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in Asgard."
Ebert's not wrong, but that's more a critique of Marvel's portrayal of Thor than anything else.
* * * * (2011, 90 minutes, Unrated)
Netflix: "This movie is: Exciting"
In his review of Marvel's summer blockbuster, Thor, Roger Ebert dissed the God of Thunder,
saying "You don't have to be especially intelligent to wield a hammer, which is just as well,
because in the film Thor (Chris Hemsworth) doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb in Asgard."
Ebert's not wrong, but that's more a critique of Marvel's portrayal of Thor than anything else.
 |
And yet, Marvel's Thor is like the Einstein of Hitting Things With a
Hammer compared to the representation in The Asylum's
mockbuster, Almighty Thor.
We open inside a CGI volcano, where Johnny Depp stand-in
Richard Grieco is getting all satanic-y. He created a CGI portal that
places him in the middle of a Renaissance fai-- I mean, "Asgard."
All three guards standing around see him and announce the arrival
of "the demon Loki," and jeez, couldn't the screenwriters take two
seconds to look up Loki on Wikipedia?
The three guards fire a volley of arrows at Loki. In the next shot,
those three arrows have magically turned into hundreds. Looks
like Loki isn't the only magical one around here! Loki uses his
powers over CGI to wipe the arrows away, and then starts shooting
fireballs out of his bone-shaped remote control. Half the shots hit
the three guards, but the other half hit a matte painting of an army
standing outside of a castle.
Hammer compared to the representation in The Asylum's
mockbuster, Almighty Thor.
We open inside a CGI volcano, where Johnny Depp stand-in
Richard Grieco is getting all satanic-y. He created a CGI portal that
places him in the middle of a Renaissance fai-- I mean, "Asgard."
All three guards standing around see him and announce the arrival
of "the demon Loki," and jeez, couldn't the screenwriters take two
seconds to look up Loki on Wikipedia?
The three guards fire a volley of arrows at Loki. In the next shot,
those three arrows have magically turned into hundreds. Looks
like Loki isn't the only magical one around here! Loki uses his
powers over CGI to wipe the arrows away, and then starts shooting
fireballs out of his bone-shaped remote control. Half the shots hit
the three guards, but the other half hit a matte painting of an army
standing outside of a castle.
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| Not this God of Thunder |
It's a perplexing moment -- where are Loki, the three guards, and the painting of an army in
relation to each other? Three and a half minutes into the film, and I'm already confused -- this
might be a new record.
Meanwhile, professional wrestling's Kevin Nash is on a nature hike. Along for the hike are two
younger guys sporting Neanderthal chic attire. "This portends to be an evil day," Nash tells them,
relation to each other? Three and a half minutes into the film, and I'm already confused -- this
might be a new record.
Meanwhile, professional wrestling's Kevin Nash is on a nature hike. Along for the hike are two
younger guys sporting Neanderthal chic attire. "This portends to be an evil day," Nash tells them,
| Odin addresses the masses in Asgard. |
and then we get a flashback from 30
seconds ago of Richard Grieco and his bone
remote. And suddenly, this is the best film
The Asylum has ever made.
The purpose of the nature hike was so that
Big Daddy Cool (who is playing the role of
Odin in our story) can gets some advice from
three hotties weaving in a dark cave. They
telepathically tell him to give Loki the
"Hammer of Invincibility" so he can use it to
destroy the universe. Diesel,
understandably, doesn't want Loki to play
with his hammer.
seconds ago of Richard Grieco and his bone
remote. And suddenly, this is the best film
The Asylum has ever made.
The purpose of the nature hike was so that
Big Daddy Cool (who is playing the role of
Odin in our story) can gets some advice from
three hotties weaving in a dark cave. They
telepathically tell him to give Loki the
"Hammer of Invincibility" so he can use it to
destroy the universe. Diesel,
understandably, doesn't want Loki to play
with his hammer.
One of the Neanderthal chic guys speaks up and OMIGOD THAT'S THOR! I would love to know
how The Asylum casts leads for its films. This Thor looks like Barney Rubble and delivers his
lines like he's in a high school drama.
how The Asylum casts leads for its films. This Thor looks like Barney Rubble and delivers his
lines like he's in a high school drama.
| Can you tell which is Thor, the God of Thunder, and which is Barney Rubble of "The Flintstones"? |
And it looks like I'm not the only one who thinks this Thor is borderline incompetent, because
when Big Sexy and the gang return to find Loki attacking the matte painting, he benches Thor.
We're then treated to actors waiving swords at the camera, intercut with reaction shots from CGI
monster dogs. The action builds to a sword fight between The Silver Fox and Loki, and anyone
who has seen Kevin Nash wrestling can imagine how nimble this fight scene is.
It's hardly a surprise when Loki defeats the barely mobile Vinny Vegas. But first, Nash pulls the
Hammer of Invincibility literally out of nowhere. And by "hammer," I mean a big rock lashed to a
stick. For the life of me, I can't tell which of the last two sentences is more hilarious. Nash tosses
the so-called hammer into the safety of a CGI whirlpool.
Before he finally dies, Big Sexy sets Thor on a quest that's a classic plot hole: Thor has to find the
Hammer of Flintstonitude before Loki does, otherwise Loki will use it to destroy the universe. In a
day's time, the hammer will only appear "for a moment" in the Tree of Life before disappearing
forever. Okay, question: Why does Thor need to find the hammer? Loki doesn't know where the
hammer went to -- all he's going to do is follow Thor to it. Wouldn't it be better to simply distract
Loki long enough for the universe-destroying hammer to disappear forever?
Dumbass.
Speaking of dumbass, this version of Thor really is useless. He tries to face off against Loki right
away, and Loki beats his silly without resorting to any magic, trickery or CGI. If it weren't for an
assist by the Mummy Lady, this would have been a much shorter film.
when Big Sexy and the gang return to find Loki attacking the matte painting, he benches Thor.
We're then treated to actors waiving swords at the camera, intercut with reaction shots from CGI
monster dogs. The action builds to a sword fight between The Silver Fox and Loki, and anyone
who has seen Kevin Nash wrestling can imagine how nimble this fight scene is.
It's hardly a surprise when Loki defeats the barely mobile Vinny Vegas. But first, Nash pulls the
Hammer of Invincibility literally out of nowhere. And by "hammer," I mean a big rock lashed to a
stick. For the life of me, I can't tell which of the last two sentences is more hilarious. Nash tosses
the so-called hammer into the safety of a CGI whirlpool.
Before he finally dies, Big Sexy sets Thor on a quest that's a classic plot hole: Thor has to find the
Hammer of Flintstonitude before Loki does, otherwise Loki will use it to destroy the universe. In a
day's time, the hammer will only appear "for a moment" in the Tree of Life before disappearing
forever. Okay, question: Why does Thor need to find the hammer? Loki doesn't know where the
hammer went to -- all he's going to do is follow Thor to it. Wouldn't it be better to simply distract
Loki long enough for the universe-destroying hammer to disappear forever?
Dumbass.
Speaking of dumbass, this version of Thor really is useless. He tries to face off against Loki right
away, and Loki beats his silly without resorting to any magic, trickery or CGI. If it weren't for an
assist by the Mummy Lady, this would have been a much shorter film.
| Remember that Mummy Lady from The Mummy? Of course you do. |
From here, much of the film consists of
Mummy Lady dragging Thor from place to
place and lecturing him on how he really
needs to learn how to fight. Which is true --
at one point, Loki nearly defeats Thor with
only a frickin' handful of baby powder.
Not that she actually teaches him anything.
Instead, Mummy Lady teleports them to Earth
with Loki in pursuit, where they spend much
of the film wandering around the same back
alleys and parking garages featured in The
Day The Earth Stopped.
She does take the time to teach Thor how to
use an uzi. So there's that.
Mummy Lady dragging Thor from place to
place and lecturing him on how he really
needs to learn how to fight. Which is true --
at one point, Loki nearly defeats Thor with
only a frickin' handful of baby powder.
Not that she actually teaches him anything.
Instead, Mummy Lady teleports them to Earth
with Loki in pursuit, where they spend much
of the film wandering around the same back
alleys and parking garages featured in The
Day The Earth Stopped.
She does take the time to teach Thor how to
use an uzi. So there's that.
Loki does a fair amount of wandering the streets himself. Awesomely, no one seems to think
much of seeing Richard Grieco in quasi-medieval garb wandering the streets.
It's never clear as to why Loki wants to bring about the "end of life, end of time," but he nearly does
when liberates the inept Thor of the Hammer of Bigdealness. Thor gets sent to hell, where he
somehow forges his own stupid looking hammer. He then returns to Earth so he and Loki can
find out who has the biggest and strongest hammer, if you know what I mean.
(I mean they're figuratively comparing penises. Sorry, you looked a bit confused. )
So with its idiot hero, laughable CGI and incoherent direction, Almighty Thor is a big dumb movie
hitting its audience in the head with its stupidity. And that just might make Almighty Thor one of
The Asylum's best bad movies to date.
much of seeing Richard Grieco in quasi-medieval garb wandering the streets.
It's never clear as to why Loki wants to bring about the "end of life, end of time," but he nearly does
when liberates the inept Thor of the Hammer of Bigdealness. Thor gets sent to hell, where he
somehow forges his own stupid looking hammer. He then returns to Earth so he and Loki can
find out who has the biggest and strongest hammer, if you know what I mean.
(I mean they're figuratively comparing penises. Sorry, you looked a bit confused. )
So with its idiot hero, laughable CGI and incoherent direction, Almighty Thor is a big dumb movie
hitting its audience in the head with its stupidity. And that just might make Almighty Thor one of
The Asylum's best bad movies to date.
Looking for a second opinion? Then allow us to recommend this review
from Cool Awesome Movies.
You can also check out Roger Ebert's shredding of Marvel's Thor.
from Cool Awesome Movies.
You can also check out Roger Ebert's shredding of Marvel's Thor.