ALLIGATOR
* * (1980, 89 minutes, Rated R)
Jaws in a Sewer.
I have to say, I'm mildly disappointed with this film. This was not the film I thought I would be
reviewing. I thought I would be reviewing this film:
* * (1980, 89 minutes, Rated R)
Jaws in a Sewer.
I have to say, I'm mildly disappointed with this film. This was not the film I thought I would be
reviewing. I thought I would be reviewing this film:
This is the same movie, just with "modernized" promotional artwork. And by "modernized," I mean
"screaming THIS MOVIE IS CRAP." Had I seen the original artwork instead, I might have given this
movie a pass, dismissing it as simply dated.
And dated it is. We start off with a glimpse of a Florida before it became overrun with theme parks
and senior citizens, where wholesome family fun meant gathering around a mud hole to watch an
alligator eat an animal handler. Rather than scarring one brainy little girl for life, she instead takes
home a little baby alligator of her very own. She names him Ramon, possibly in honor of her
favorite punk band.
Next scene? Dad, in mid-conniption fit, flushes Ramon down the toilet. More wholesome family fun!
"screaming THIS MOVIE IS CRAP." Had I seen the original artwork instead, I might have given this
movie a pass, dismissing it as simply dated.
And dated it is. We start off with a glimpse of a Florida before it became overrun with theme parks
and senior citizens, where wholesome family fun meant gathering around a mud hole to watch an
alligator eat an animal handler. Rather than scarring one brainy little girl for life, she instead takes
home a little baby alligator of her very own. She names him Ramon, possibly in honor of her
favorite punk band.
Next scene? Dad, in mid-conniption fit, flushes Ramon down the toilet. More wholesome family fun!
| Ed Norton: Gator Chow |
Twelve years later, we meet a Scruffy Chicago Cop played by
Robert "That Guy In Jackie Brown" Forster. He's investigating
the death of Ed Norton, identified only by a disembodied arm
found in the sewers and --
Oh, c'mon. Ramon has grown up to be a giant man-eating
mutant alligator. It's not like this is rocket science.
The movie quickly becomes "Jaws in a sewer," which means
the screenwriter (John Sayles!) has to come up with
increasingly absurd reasons for people to go down into the
sewer system. All that's missing is the scene where two teens
go down into the sewers to have sex -- and if this movie was
made today, that scene would totally be in there.
What we get instead are some eeeeeevil scientists who are
working on some kind of growth hormone and dumping their
Robert "That Guy In Jackie Brown" Forster. He's investigating
the death of Ed Norton, identified only by a disembodied arm
found in the sewers and --
Oh, c'mon. Ramon has grown up to be a giant man-eating
mutant alligator. It's not like this is rocket science.
The movie quickly becomes "Jaws in a sewer," which means
the screenwriter (John Sayles!) has to come up with
increasingly absurd reasons for people to go down into the
sewer system. All that's missing is the scene where two teens
go down into the sewers to have sex -- and if this movie was
made today, that scene would totally be in there.
What we get instead are some eeeeeevil scientists who are
working on some kind of growth hormone and dumping their
toxic dog carcasses into the sewer system after-hours (hence Ramon's mutation). The only thing
Robert Forster and the eeeevil scientists have in common is their hatred for the press. I don't know
what was going on in the late '70s -- I was too busy playing with Star Wars figures and learning to
Robert Forster and the eeeevil scientists have in common is their hatred for the press. I don't know
what was going on in the late '70s -- I was too busy playing with Star Wars figures and learning to
| Nolahn's primary source of entertainment, 1979 - 1986 |
read to notice -- but the press is portrayed here as a raving
bunch of jackals. They show up here, there and everywhere,
getting right up in people's faces, and swarm the police station
for "press conferences" where Robert Forster sits around
grumbling "No comment" over and over and over.
We also get a running gag about Robert Forster's male pattern
baldness. He must be one helluva good sport.
Don't go feeling too bad for him, because eventually Robert
Forster is teamed up with a cute redheaded scientist who
specializes in lizards (a lizardologist?).
bunch of jackals. They show up here, there and everywhere,
getting right up in people's faces, and swarm the police station
for "press conferences" where Robert Forster sits around
grumbling "No comment" over and over and over.
We also get a running gag about Robert Forster's male pattern
baldness. He must be one helluva good sport.
Don't go feeling too bad for him, because eventually Robert
Forster is teamed up with a cute redheaded scientist who
specializes in lizards (a lizardologist?).
And you'll never believe it -- seriously, you might need to sit down -- but she's that brainy girl from
the beginning, all grown up. I know! Holy crap, right?
Anyway, Robert Forster goes from Dismissive to Flirty to Workin' It to In Her Pants over the course
of 40 minutes. And then, after carrying on and on during their pillow talk about how he became a
cop, the partner he accidentally killed, etc., etc., Robert Forster pulls out some major league '70s
machismo in a diner when they learn another colleague has become 'gater chow:
ROBERT FORSTER: It was his own fault.
CUTIE SCIENTIST: (resting her head on his shoulder) I understand how you must feel.
ROBERT FORSTER: Don't understand me so quick. You mind?
Damn!
There's plenty more here for you to enjoy, such as the smarmy big-game hunter sent in by the
mayor to take care of business and Ol' Ramon interrupting a game of stick ball by busting up
through the sidewalk and people dropping depth charges into Lake Michigan. All good stuff.
But definitely, definitely, definitely DO rent this DVD for Chapter 11. Hell, I'd even recommend using
the Scene Select feature to skip ahead to Chapter 11, which is called "Wedding Attack." It's Ramon
vs. a ritzy wedding reception full of Old Money A-holes, and as you might guess, it's a pretty one-
the beginning, all grown up. I know! Holy crap, right?
Anyway, Robert Forster goes from Dismissive to Flirty to Workin' It to In Her Pants over the course
of 40 minutes. And then, after carrying on and on during their pillow talk about how he became a
cop, the partner he accidentally killed, etc., etc., Robert Forster pulls out some major league '70s
machismo in a diner when they learn another colleague has become 'gater chow:
ROBERT FORSTER: It was his own fault.
CUTIE SCIENTIST: (resting her head on his shoulder) I understand how you must feel.
ROBERT FORSTER: Don't understand me so quick. You mind?
Damn!
There's plenty more here for you to enjoy, such as the smarmy big-game hunter sent in by the
mayor to take care of business and Ol' Ramon interrupting a game of stick ball by busting up
through the sidewalk and people dropping depth charges into Lake Michigan. All good stuff.
But definitely, definitely, definitely DO rent this DVD for Chapter 11. Hell, I'd even recommend using
the Scene Select feature to skip ahead to Chapter 11, which is called "Wedding Attack." It's Ramon
vs. a ritzy wedding reception full of Old Money A-holes, and as you might guess, it's a pretty one-
-sided battle. Ramon opens up a giant can
of whupass: Guests go flying everywhere,
waitresses are gobbled and people
randomly fall into the pool. The reaction
shot of the bride and groom -- mid feeding
each other wedding cake -- is priceless.
We're also treated to the most random line
of product placement I've ever heard:
"Follow me! Let's get the Volvo!" Of course.
The one thing you will NOT get in this film
are cheesy effects for Ramon. No, the
filmmakers opted to go with a combination
of stock footage, forced perspective and
well-crafted effects. It was a
much-appreciated break from all the terribly
rendered CGI I'm constantly subjected to.
of whupass: Guests go flying everywhere,
waitresses are gobbled and people
randomly fall into the pool. The reaction
shot of the bride and groom -- mid feeding
each other wedding cake -- is priceless.
We're also treated to the most random line
of product placement I've ever heard:
"Follow me! Let's get the Volvo!" Of course.
The one thing you will NOT get in this film
are cheesy effects for Ramon. No, the
filmmakers opted to go with a combination
of stock footage, forced perspective and
well-crafted effects. It was a
much-appreciated break from all the terribly
rendered CGI I'm constantly subjected to.
| Volvo: The Getaway Car for Rich A-holes |
I must say, I was actually very impressed with the job the filmmakers did on the alligator. Too bad
that kind of thing works against you here at The 'Bin.
that kind of thing works against you here at The 'Bin.
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