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ALIEN VS. HUNTER
* (2007, 85 minutes, Unrated)
I need a new pastime.
It’s movies like this that make me question how I spend my free time. I have to believe there‘s
something more worthwhile I could be doing. I could be volunteering down at the local soup
kitchen or leading a scout troop or spending some time with seniors down at the senior center. Or
I could actually finish a household project, possibly even get a little bit of exercise.
It’s times like these that I have to remind myself that I am doing something worthwhile: I’m
watching crappy movies like Alien Vs. Hunter so you don’t have to. It’s a lot like jumping on a
grenade, because movies like this leave me feeling mentally shredded. Though I suppose that’s
better than being, you know, physically shredded by a grenade.
But don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the star of the film, William Katt. You may remember Mr.
Katt from that great ‘80s show, “The Greatest American Hero” and that one guest appearance he
had on “Heroes.” Which reminds me…
* (2007, 85 minutes, Unrated)
I need a new pastime.
It’s movies like this that make me question how I spend my free time. I have to believe there‘s
something more worthwhile I could be doing. I could be volunteering down at the local soup
kitchen or leading a scout troop or spending some time with seniors down at the senior center. Or
I could actually finish a household project, possibly even get a little bit of exercise.
It’s times like these that I have to remind myself that I am doing something worthwhile: I’m
watching crappy movies like Alien Vs. Hunter so you don’t have to. It’s a lot like jumping on a
grenade, because movies like this leave me feeling mentally shredded. Though I suppose that’s
better than being, you know, physically shredded by a grenade.
But don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the star of the film, William Katt. You may remember Mr.
Katt from that great ‘80s show, “The Greatest American Hero” and that one guest appearance he
had on “Heroes.” Which reminds me…
 |
| Dear Producers of “Heroes”: Please stop eating paint chips. It’s amazing, almost statistically impossible, that you could come up with a genre show with mainstream appeal and run it into the ground so quickly. Note that creating characters who behave incoherently and possess significant memory loss does not create drama but undermines it. Watching the show has become it’s own kind of sadism. I tune in every week and come away dejected and agitated. What am I, a Browns fan? Also: If you’re going to have the guy who played “The Greatest American Hero” on your superhero show, maybe you give him a superpower. He was the Greatest American Hero, for Christ’s sake! It this so hard to figure out? You guys make me want to kick a puppy. Knock it off. ~ Nolahn |
You’ve probably noticed that I’ve gotten pretty far into
this piece without actually taking about the movie.
That’s because this movie really, really sucks.
Fine: Lee (William Katt) is a small-town
reporter/failed writer who stumbles upon a downed
UFO and witnesses an alien eat a cop. Being a
small-town reporter/failed writer, Lee is both a well-
connected yet thoroughly untrustworthy source when
it comes to convincing others that aliens have
landed. Soon, the entire newspaper staff (including
Michelle Pfeiffer’s kid sister, DeDee) is running
around the woods.
And sure enough, aliens! These appear to be
magical aliens, because half the time the look like
guys in rubber Alien costumes with cantaloupe
heads and the other half of the time they have CGI
spider legs. Early on, one is about to gobble up Lee
when it’s hit by a laser. A figure uncloaks, and it’s…
RoboVampire?
Well, kind of. The “Hunter” looks like RoboVampire,
but with a porthole for a face.
this piece without actually taking about the movie.
That’s because this movie really, really sucks.
Fine: Lee (William Katt) is a small-town
reporter/failed writer who stumbles upon a downed
UFO and witnesses an alien eat a cop. Being a
small-town reporter/failed writer, Lee is both a well-
connected yet thoroughly untrustworthy source when
it comes to convincing others that aliens have
landed. Soon, the entire newspaper staff (including
Michelle Pfeiffer’s kid sister, DeDee) is running
around the woods.
And sure enough, aliens! These appear to be
magical aliens, because half the time the look like
guys in rubber Alien costumes with cantaloupe
heads and the other half of the time they have CGI
spider legs. Early on, one is about to gobble up Lee
when it’s hit by a laser. A figure uncloaks, and it’s…
RoboVampire?
Well, kind of. The “Hunter” looks like RoboVampire,
but with a porthole for a face.
| Wearing the Greatest American Hero costume was probably less humiliating for William Katt than appearing in this film. And Katt hated his Greatest American Hero costume. |
Now the write-up from Netflix claims that “a team of commandos is sent to investigate,“ but I
swear the folks at Netflix don’t actually watch these movies. The “team of commandos” is actually
a bunch of militia types -- one of which, I kid you not, is just hanging out in the woods with a
bazooka. Which is never used. Stupid movie. When the newsies bump into them, Lee has
absolutely no trouble convincing the militia guys that aliens have invaded -- perhaps the they
though he was talking about illegal aliens.
I’m really not sure what happens after that. I mean, I was awake and lucid (this time), but I’m
convinced that this film was shot and edited by people who’ve never seen a movie before.
Much of the action is filmed in a wobbly hand-held style, usually cutting off the tops of people’s
heads. There’s a lot of urgent discussion about some-such and reaction shots to who-knows-
what. And there’s an extended scene of people crawling. None of it makes a lick of sense.
Example: Not-Michelle Pfeiffer and the other newsies are about to make their way down a dry ice-
filled corridor. Before she leaves, Not-Michelle takes off her long-sleeve t-shirt. She looks at the
shirt balled up in her hand, longingly, and then drops it on the floor. Cut to a close-up of the
abandoned shirt with the newsies walking away in the background.
swear the folks at Netflix don’t actually watch these movies. The “team of commandos” is actually
a bunch of militia types -- one of which, I kid you not, is just hanging out in the woods with a
bazooka. Which is never used. Stupid movie. When the newsies bump into them, Lee has
absolutely no trouble convincing the militia guys that aliens have invaded -- perhaps the they
though he was talking about illegal aliens.
I’m really not sure what happens after that. I mean, I was awake and lucid (this time), but I’m
convinced that this film was shot and edited by people who’ve never seen a movie before.
Much of the action is filmed in a wobbly hand-held style, usually cutting off the tops of people’s
heads. There’s a lot of urgent discussion about some-such and reaction shots to who-knows-
what. And there’s an extended scene of people crawling. None of it makes a lick of sense.
Example: Not-Michelle Pfeiffer and the other newsies are about to make their way down a dry ice-
filled corridor. Before she leaves, Not-Michelle takes off her long-sleeve t-shirt. She looks at the
shirt balled up in her hand, longingly, and then drops it on the floor. Cut to a close-up of the
abandoned shirt with the newsies walking away in the background.
| This means something... |
What the hell was that all about?
Did the shirt have special meaning? Is it symbolic,
perhaps of shedding one's security in a world that once
made sense? Did the shirt remind her of an old lover?
Was it a Christmas gift? Then why didn’t she just tie the
shirt around her waist? Why is this sequence in the
movie? Why? WHY?
All this “action” leads up to a most hilariously pathetic
triple threat battle between Lee and the militia guys, the
cantaloupe head aliens and Porthole Face. Lee -- our
star, our hero -- is given a 9mm, which he fires at a
cantaloupe head point blank to no effect.
Gripping.
Did the shirt have special meaning? Is it symbolic,
perhaps of shedding one's security in a world that once
made sense? Did the shirt remind her of an old lover?
Was it a Christmas gift? Then why didn’t she just tie the
shirt around her waist? Why is this sequence in the
movie? Why? WHY?
All this “action” leads up to a most hilariously pathetic
triple threat battle between Lee and the militia guys, the
cantaloupe head aliens and Porthole Face. Lee -- our
star, our hero -- is given a 9mm, which he fires at a
cantaloupe head point blank to no effect.
Gripping.
And don’t get me started on the “surprise” “twist” ending. I’d say it plays like
something I would have come up with when I was 12, but that’d be an insult
to 12-year-old me.
something I would have come up with when I was 12, but that’d be an insult
to 12-year-old me.
| Lil Nolahn deserves better. |
Looking for a second opinion? Check out what others had to say about
Alien vs. Hunter over at Hell Horror.
Of if you'd rather take a trip down memory lane, here's some vintage
"The Greatest American Hero" goodness for you to enjoy...
Alien vs. Hunter over at Hell Horror.
Of if you'd rather take a trip down memory lane, here's some vintage
"The Greatest American Hero" goodness for you to enjoy...
