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AGAINST THE DARK
* * (2008, 94 minutes, Rated R)
Against the dark / Still runnin' against the dark
He's older now but still runnin' against the dark
Know how sometimes a movie will open with the definition of a word? The device can work nicely
if the word has double meanings, or if the filmmakers want to introduce a new concept.
This film opens with the definition of the word "infect." I don't think I ever been insulted by a movie
so quickly.
Realizing that the definition of a word my four year old has mastered is a weak way to start a movie,
we then move straight into the Exposition Montage Mambo. Infection, biting, panic in the streets,
blah blah blah zombiecakes. Everyone is either zombie-chow or has joined a vigilante group. Like
"The Hunters" or the U.S. Army (more on them later).
Yeah, the film markets them as "vampires," but they're not very vampire-y. They crave blood and
are nocturnal. No need for wooden stakes or holy water -- a bloated '90s action star with a sword
will suffice.
* * (2008, 94 minutes, Rated R)
Against the dark / Still runnin' against the dark
He's older now but still runnin' against the dark
Know how sometimes a movie will open with the definition of a word? The device can work nicely
if the word has double meanings, or if the filmmakers want to introduce a new concept.
This film opens with the definition of the word "infect." I don't think I ever been insulted by a movie
so quickly.
Realizing that the definition of a word my four year old has mastered is a weak way to start a movie,
we then move straight into the Exposition Montage Mambo. Infection, biting, panic in the streets,
blah blah blah zombiecakes. Everyone is either zombie-chow or has joined a vigilante group. Like
"The Hunters" or the U.S. Army (more on them later).
Yeah, the film markets them as "vampires," but they're not very vampire-y. They crave blood and
are nocturnal. No need for wooden stakes or holy water -- a bloated '90s action star with a sword
will suffice.
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And here comes The Hunters: Tuff types in leather dusters who are bad asses or whatever.
Steven Seagal is their leader, the pompously named "Tao," who gets to stand in one place and
hack up baddies as they come flying at him. Every now and then, he pulls out a shotgun and
shoots them instead -- just for the variety. There's also The Rock's Cousin, who has to do all the
jumping and kicking and whatnot that Steven Seagal can't do anymore. And then there's a couple
of hot chicks who just stand around during the fight scenes. I'm guessing their main job is to
make it look like hot chicks enjoy hanging out with Steven Seagal.
Not content to sit back and be zombie feed, The Hunters walk the streets at night, taking the fight to
the infected. Why they don’t do this during the day, which would be safer and more productive, is
never explained.
After The Hunters dramatically rescue a young boy from a batch of infected baddies, Steven Seagal
lets out this nugget: "Let's get the boy out of here. We're not here to decide who's right or wrong;
we're here to decide who lives or dies."
The hell? Maybe that would've made sense to me if I were also the reincarnation of a Buddhist
Lama.
So now we get to the actual plot, which has shockingly little to do with Steven Seagal or his merry
band of Matrix extras: A quartet of survivors break into a hospital, meet up with another couple, and
then spend the entire movie trying to get out of the hospital. Which is apparently the size of O’Hare
Airport.
Steven Seagal is their leader, the pompously named "Tao," who gets to stand in one place and
hack up baddies as they come flying at him. Every now and then, he pulls out a shotgun and
shoots them instead -- just for the variety. There's also The Rock's Cousin, who has to do all the
jumping and kicking and whatnot that Steven Seagal can't do anymore. And then there's a couple
of hot chicks who just stand around during the fight scenes. I'm guessing their main job is to
make it look like hot chicks enjoy hanging out with Steven Seagal.
Not content to sit back and be zombie feed, The Hunters walk the streets at night, taking the fight to
the infected. Why they don’t do this during the day, which would be safer and more productive, is
never explained.
After The Hunters dramatically rescue a young boy from a batch of infected baddies, Steven Seagal
lets out this nugget: "Let's get the boy out of here. We're not here to decide who's right or wrong;
we're here to decide who lives or dies."
The hell? Maybe that would've made sense to me if I were also the reincarnation of a Buddhist
Lama.
So now we get to the actual plot, which has shockingly little to do with Steven Seagal or his merry
band of Matrix extras: A quartet of survivors break into a hospital, meet up with another couple, and
then spend the entire movie trying to get out of the hospital. Which is apparently the size of O’Hare
Airport.
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There’s some hackneyed explanation of how they
need to go out through one specific entrance
before the hospital’s generator dies and the
security system locks them in, which doesn’t
make a lick of sense as four of the survivors
broke into the hospital through a broken window.
Then again, logic isn’t our survivors’ strong suit:
Despite the fact that it’s increasingly obvious that
the hospital is full of zombies, at no point do any
of the survivors arm themselves with anything --
not even a folding chair or an IV stand. And
there's a lovely scene in the cafeteria where the
need to go out through one specific entrance
before the hospital’s generator dies and the
security system locks them in, which doesn’t
make a lick of sense as four of the survivors
broke into the hospital through a broken window.
Then again, logic isn’t our survivors’ strong suit:
Despite the fact that it’s increasingly obvious that
the hospital is full of zombies, at no point do any
of the survivors arm themselves with anything --
not even a folding chair or an IV stand. And
there's a lovely scene in the cafeteria where the
group bitches endlessly at the Stoner Guy for getting cut because the blood will attract the
creatures. If only they were somewhere that had a generous supply of bandages…
So our survivors tip-toe around the World’s Largest Hospital, occasionally bumping into creepy set
pieces and/or non-vamps laying in wait. Frankly, it all plays out like a game of “Resident Evil.” In
fact, it’s feels more like “Resident Evil” than any of the Resident Evil films. Take that for what it’s
worth.
creatures. If only they were somewhere that had a generous supply of bandages…
So our survivors tip-toe around the World’s Largest Hospital, occasionally bumping into creepy set
pieces and/or non-vamps laying in wait. Frankly, it all plays out like a game of “Resident Evil.” In
fact, it’s feels more like “Resident Evil” than any of the Resident Evil films. Take that for what it’s
worth.
| This very well could have been a scene from the film. |
In the meantime, the film itself feels like it’s been stitched together, Frankenstein-style. While our
survivors make their way through St. Zombieland Memorial, we get shoehorned scenes of the
Seagal Squad randomly hacking up baddies. We also get scenes from the fully functional U.S.
Army base run by Keith David (!!) talking about “sanitizing” the section of L.A. where the rest of the
action takes place.
survivors make their way through St. Zombieland Memorial, we get shoehorned scenes of the
Seagal Squad randomly hacking up baddies. We also get scenes from the fully functional U.S.
Army base run by Keith David (!!) talking about “sanitizing” the section of L.A. where the rest of the
action takes place.
| Keith David (above), mad enough about having to appear in this film to fight someone They Live-style. |
I guess it’s comforting to know that should the zombie apocalypse hit
us, our armed forces will remain fully functional well after civilization
has allegedly crumbled.
Less comforting is the fact that Keith David has been reduced to
making glorified cameos in direct-to-DVD Seagal movies. At least he
got that sweet Disney gig.
Eventually, the survivors meet up with the Hunters, but they’re still
wandering around the World’s Largest Hospital, so who cares. It's still
the more of the same Resident Evil Carnival, except now the creatures
are eventually dispatched by 1) The Rock's Cousin, after much
jumping and kicking, or 2) a stationary Steven Seagal.
There is one fairly interesting sequence, where our protagonists meet
up with a crazed surgeon who I swear was channeling the spirit of
Tommy Wiseau. He had the look down, the accent and everything. All
that was missing was, "Oh, hi Steven."
us, our armed forces will remain fully functional well after civilization
has allegedly crumbled.
Less comforting is the fact that Keith David has been reduced to
making glorified cameos in direct-to-DVD Seagal movies. At least he
got that sweet Disney gig.
Eventually, the survivors meet up with the Hunters, but they’re still
wandering around the World’s Largest Hospital, so who cares. It's still
the more of the same Resident Evil Carnival, except now the creatures
are eventually dispatched by 1) The Rock's Cousin, after much
jumping and kicking, or 2) a stationary Steven Seagal.
There is one fairly interesting sequence, where our protagonists meet
up with a crazed surgeon who I swear was channeling the spirit of
Tommy Wiseau. He had the look down, the accent and everything. All
that was missing was, "Oh, hi Steven."
That Steven Seagal... He's always taking on hordes of baddies: Mobsters, gang-bangers, polluters, what have you. And he never gets hurt or so much as breaks a sweat. That last part must be in his contract. With Against the Dark, Seagal bravely shows that he's not some one-trick pony. Instead of taking on hordes of bad guys, he's taking on hordes of somewhat supernatural bad guys. This opens up a whole world of possibilities, and is the subject of this Special Side Bar Poll: |
| THE TAO OF SEAGAL A SPECIAL SIDE BAR POLL BY NOLAHN |
I’d love to tell you that the film builds up to a big, exciting conclusion, but I wouldn’t lie to you. It’s
pretty amazing: “Steven Seagal vs. vampires” should have been a pretty easy movie to make. I
don’t understand why I’m so surprised that they screwed it up.
pretty amazing: “Steven Seagal vs. vampires” should have been a pretty easy movie to make. I
don’t understand why I’m so surprised that they screwed it up.
| Ahem. |
| The waiting room of the hospital from Against the Dark |
Think Nolahn was being unfair
to this movie? Looking for a
second opinion? Then may we
recommend...
FULL MOON REVIEWS
HELL HORROR
You can also check out this
podcast by the guys at Strictly
Splatter discussing the film.
to this movie? Looking for a
second opinion? Then may we
recommend...
FULL MOON REVIEWS
HELL HORROR
You can also check out this
podcast by the guys at Strictly
Splatter discussing the film.