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ACCEPTABLE RISK
* * * (2001, 92 minutes, Unrated)
Rather Unacceptable
Friends, I've witnessed quite a bit of stupidity during my time here at The 'Bin. The kind of films that
are like visual grain alcohol. So believe me when I say that... well, I can't say for sure that
Acceptable Risk is the stupidest film I've ever seen, but it's definitely in the top three.
On a possibly related note, this film is part of the regular rotation on Lifetime.
We open in a Massachusetts colony (Where in Massachusetts? Who cares?) in 1702, with a
colonial family doing colonial stuff in and around their colonial house. Suddenly the music is too
loud (is sound mixing that hard?) and the family is in a panic but I don't know why. But here comes
a mob of townsfolk -- complete with torches and pitchforks -- and they're mad!
* * * (2001, 92 minutes, Unrated)
Rather Unacceptable
Friends, I've witnessed quite a bit of stupidity during my time here at The 'Bin. The kind of films that
are like visual grain alcohol. So believe me when I say that... well, I can't say for sure that
Acceptable Risk is the stupidest film I've ever seen, but it's definitely in the top three.
On a possibly related note, this film is part of the regular rotation on Lifetime.
We open in a Massachusetts colony (Where in Massachusetts? Who cares?) in 1702, with a
colonial family doing colonial stuff in and around their colonial house. Suddenly the music is too
loud (is sound mixing that hard?) and the family is in a panic but I don't know why. But here comes
a mob of townsfolk -- complete with torches and pitchforks -- and they're mad!
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I can't tell you how disappointed I was that they
weren't shouting out, "A witch! She's a witch!"
Particularly since that's what they think the
colonial mom is. So they hang her. No trial
necessary, I guess.
Thus spoke Zarathustra, it's 2001! Chad Lowe
(best known for being snubbed by then-wife
Hillary Swank at the Oscars) and his wife, Kim
(Kelly Rutherford, best known for... um...) are
moving into the colonial house from 1702. The
place is clearly a fixer-upper -- it is a
300-year-old house -- and the bad plumbing
spares us from what had the potential for an
unspeakably terrible love scene.
weren't shouting out, "A witch! She's a witch!"
Particularly since that's what they think the
colonial mom is. So they hang her. No trial
necessary, I guess.
Thus spoke Zarathustra, it's 2001! Chad Lowe
(best known for being snubbed by then-wife
Hillary Swank at the Oscars) and his wife, Kim
(Kelly Rutherford, best known for... um...) are
moving into the colonial house from 1702. The
place is clearly a fixer-upper -- it is a
300-year-old house -- and the bad plumbing
spares us from what had the potential for an
unspeakably terrible love scene.
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| To be fair, any mob worth discussing should have torches and pitchforks. |
Instead we're in the basement, where Chad finds a hidden room containing a portrait of the
"witch," an empty safe and a whole lot of mold. Chad cuts his arm in the process of all the
banging around, getting some of the mold in his cut to go along with the potential tetanus. "I
should get this stuff down to the lab," says Dr. Braniac.
Oh, he is supposed to be a brainiac. Chad works in some kind of university lab, where he and his
foxy assistant put things in test tubes and talk lots of science-y speak. Also -- and please, stop
me if this is in fact standard laboratory procedure -- Chad starts eating the mold he's testing.
"witch," an empty safe and a whole lot of mold. Chad cuts his arm in the process of all the
banging around, getting some of the mold in his cut to go along with the potential tetanus. "I
should get this stuff down to the lab," says Dr. Braniac.
Oh, he is supposed to be a brainiac. Chad works in some kind of university lab, where he and his
foxy assistant put things in test tubes and talk lots of science-y speak. Also -- and please, stop
me if this is in fact standard laboratory procedure -- Chad starts eating the mold he's testing.
| Who's hungry? |
There's also a whole lotta talk about
the house being haunted and a
double-suicide years ago and -- can
we go back to the last paragraph a
minute? Chad Lowe starts eating the
mold.
(Okay, his character is eating the
mold. But still.)
Who does that? Chad explains that
he’s testing the mold on himself
because he doesn’t want to lose
another patent due to “university
bureaucracy,” but that seems like a
weak excuse to eat mold.
the house being haunted and a
double-suicide years ago and -- can
we go back to the last paragraph a
minute? Chad Lowe starts eating the
mold.
(Okay, his character is eating the
mold. But still.)
Who does that? Chad explains that
he’s testing the mold on himself
because he doesn’t want to lose
another patent due to “university
bureaucracy,” but that seems like a
weak excuse to eat mold.
Turns out that the mold has quite the effect on Chad: it gives him super-intelligence and super-
senses. It also turns him into a super-jealous super-jerk, which is especially unfortunate for the
hunky professor Kim has been hanging out with (of course it’s a “hunky” professor -- this is a
Lifetime movie, after all). Chad hulks out on the hunky professor a couple times, ultimately
braining him with a rock.
Kim also feels some of the brunt of Chad’s hulking, turning the film into a dissertation on
domestic abuse and drug addiction. This is a Lifetime movie, after all.
Chad’s not the only one who gets to hulk out. Once he gets corporate backing for what he had
dubbed “Ultra” (which sounds like a lite beer to me), he turns the colonial house’s barn into a lab
and takes one some additional scientists, including a Bad Boy Scientist played by The Boondock
Saints’ Sean Patrick Flanery.
Up to this point, the film is pretty dull. Here’s when things get special:
SPF and the lady scientist also start eating the mold, giving them all the super-smart, super-jerky
attributes. Around the time Chad starts realizing that maybe – just maybe – he’s out of control,
SPF and the lady scientist go to a townie bar to start a fight. After getting kicked out, the best
scene of the movie occurs:
SPF and the lady scientist jump in SPF’s IROC and start speeding around like teenage bullies
from an ‘80s film. They come up to Chad and Kim’s elderly neighbor, and finding her to be
driving too sensibly, run her off the road and into a ditch. The two pull over, and the lady scientist
asks, “Shouldn’t we do something?”
Cut to the neighbor’s car.
senses. It also turns him into a super-jealous super-jerk, which is especially unfortunate for the
hunky professor Kim has been hanging out with (of course it’s a “hunky” professor -- this is a
Lifetime movie, after all). Chad hulks out on the hunky professor a couple times, ultimately
braining him with a rock.
Kim also feels some of the brunt of Chad’s hulking, turning the film into a dissertation on
domestic abuse and drug addiction. This is a Lifetime movie, after all.
Chad’s not the only one who gets to hulk out. Once he gets corporate backing for what he had
dubbed “Ultra” (which sounds like a lite beer to me), he turns the colonial house’s barn into a lab
and takes one some additional scientists, including a Bad Boy Scientist played by The Boondock
Saints’ Sean Patrick Flanery.
Up to this point, the film is pretty dull. Here’s when things get special:
SPF and the lady scientist also start eating the mold, giving them all the super-smart, super-jerky
attributes. Around the time Chad starts realizing that maybe – just maybe – he’s out of control,
SPF and the lady scientist go to a townie bar to start a fight. After getting kicked out, the best
scene of the movie occurs:
SPF and the lady scientist jump in SPF’s IROC and start speeding around like teenage bullies
from an ‘80s film. They come up to Chad and Kim’s elderly neighbor, and finding her to be
driving too sensibly, run her off the road and into a ditch. The two pull over, and the lady scientist
asks, “Shouldn’t we do something?”
Cut to the neighbor’s car.
| KA-BOOM!! (This image isn't from Acceptable Risk, but it could have been.) |
Most comedies wish they could have that kind of timing.
Unfortunately for Acceptable Risk, this film is not a comedy. It just seems like one, what with the
exploding cars and the goofy hallucinating and the shoehorned supernatural stuff that never
sticks and the Chad Lowe trying to be menacing. If you can get through the first hour of the film,
then that just might be acceptable for you.
Unfortunately for Acceptable Risk, this film is not a comedy. It just seems like one, what with the
exploding cars and the goofy hallucinating and the shoehorned supernatural stuff that never
sticks and the Chad Lowe trying to be menacing. If you can get through the first hour of the film,
then that just might be acceptable for you.
Acceptable Risk was recently featured in a Lifetime Movies for Mother's
Day episode of The Lair of the Unwanted.
Day episode of The Lair of the Unwanted.