ABOMINABLE
* * (2006, 94 minutes, Rated R)
In deadly danger... because he saw too much! (Also, because of the man-eating Bigfoot)
Here's a tip for all of you aspiring filmmakers: Don't give your movie a mockable title. You'd think
the guys who made this pic would have learned that after the J.Lo's aptly titled Enough. Seriously,
you know how hard it was not to lead off with something like "The only thing truly Abominable was
the movie" or "Abominable only begins to describe the acting in this film"?
Fortunately for you, I am a professional. As a public service, here are some other words or
phrases you should never use to title your movie:
* * (2006, 94 minutes, Rated R)
In deadly danger... because he saw too much! (Also, because of the man-eating Bigfoot)
Here's a tip for all of you aspiring filmmakers: Don't give your movie a mockable title. You'd think
the guys who made this pic would have learned that after the J.Lo's aptly titled Enough. Seriously,
you know how hard it was not to lead off with something like "The only thing truly Abominable was
the movie" or "Abominable only begins to describe the acting in this film"?
Fortunately for you, I am a professional. As a public service, here are some other words or
phrases you should never use to title your movie:
- The Horror
- Bad Dream
- So Cheesy
- Waste of Time
- This Sucks
- Eyesore
- Shitstorm
- I Want My Money Back
In lieu of the federally mandated opening scene of a random couple getting butchered before
they can have sex, we're forced to settle for a random old farmer couple witnessing their horse
and dog getting butchered before they can have sex. For clarity, neither the old farmer couple or
the horse and dog get to have sex.
they can have sex, we're forced to settle for a random old farmer couple witnessing their horse
and dog getting butchered before they can have sex. For clarity, neither the old farmer couple or
the horse and dog get to have sex.
| Do I really need to tell you that Rear Window is an awesome film? Fine: Rear Window is an awesome film. |
We then meet Preston Rogers, who is returning
to his cabin in the mountains for the first time
since a rock-climbing accident cost him his wife
and the use of his legs. I can't think of a better
place for a guy in a wheelchair to hang out than in
a cabin built on the side of a mountain, but maybe
that's why I'm not a screenwriter. At least he has
a picturesque view of the very ledge where he
watched his wife plummet to her death.
With little else to do -- if Preston goes outside,
he's immediately greeted by a long and steep
staircase -- and only his douchy home nurse to
talk to, Preston is stuck doing the whole Rear
Window thing for much of the movie with his
magic binoculars (more on that later). Only
instead of spying on Raymond Burr, Preston is
spying on Sasquatch.
to his cabin in the mountains for the first time
since a rock-climbing accident cost him his wife
and the use of his legs. I can't think of a better
place for a guy in a wheelchair to hang out than in
a cabin built on the side of a mountain, but maybe
that's why I'm not a screenwriter. At least he has
a picturesque view of the very ledge where he
watched his wife plummet to her death.
With little else to do -- if Preston goes outside,
he's immediately greeted by a long and steep
staircase -- and only his douchy home nurse to
talk to, Preston is stuck doing the whole Rear
Window thing for much of the movie with his
magic binoculars (more on that later). Only
instead of spying on Raymond Burr, Preston is
spying on Sasquatch.
| Coincidence? Or inspiration? |
Anyway, the local-yokels are finishing up their case of
Milwaukee's Best when they hear a noise. Lance, who has
been skeptical of the whole Bigfoot thing, says it's probably
just a bear... and goes stumping off into the woods after it.
Okay, because if it is just a bear, this is a smart course of
action? And then to follow the noise into a deep, dark cave?
Needless to say, Lance meets a demise even more
humiliating than the one he had in The Quick and the Dead.
Lance Henriksen isn't the only recognizable face in this film.
Paul Gleason, known to Gen-Xers everywhere as Principal
Vernon from The Breakfast Club, appears in a cameo as
the town sheriff. He gets to spout lines like, "I'm
Milwaukee's Best when they hear a noise. Lance, who has
been skeptical of the whole Bigfoot thing, says it's probably
just a bear... and goes stumping off into the woods after it.
Okay, because if it is just a bear, this is a smart course of
action? And then to follow the noise into a deep, dark cave?
Needless to say, Lance meets a demise even more
humiliating than the one he had in The Quick and the Dead.
Lance Henriksen isn't the only recognizable face in this film.
Paul Gleason, known to Gen-Xers everywhere as Principal
Vernon from The Breakfast Club, appears in a cameo as
the town sheriff. He gets to spout lines like, "I'm
| Actor Lance Henriksen, about to fire his agent (off-camera) for putting him in Abominable. |
gonna go to the head and give birth to a monster," and even has a coffee mug that reads, "Don't
mess with the bull."
Otherwise, this movie is pretty much what you'd expect: some dummied up scares, some pretty
good gore, lots of half-assed production choices like having it rain in only half the shot, at least
one scene of "monster vision" and a creature that looks pretty creepy at a glance or in the
shadows but becomes goofy once you get a good look. It all builds to the slowest escape
chase ever, which doubles as a promotional spot for mountain climbing equipment.
This film does boast one impressive innovation: the BinocularScope. We're treated to lots and
lots of shots through Preston's magical binoculars, capable of seeing through walls and
abruptly zooming in. The magic binoculars are even equipped with telescopic audio, able to
clearly hear conversations in the next cabin.
This comes in pretty handy early on, when Preston can check out the half-dozen
thirtysomethings pretending to be twentysomethings having a bachelorette party in the cabin
next-door. It's even more handy when one of the girls gets a face full of margarita, forcing her to
go take a gratuitous shower.
At least this movie knows its audience.
mess with the bull."
Otherwise, this movie is pretty much what you'd expect: some dummied up scares, some pretty
good gore, lots of half-assed production choices like having it rain in only half the shot, at least
one scene of "monster vision" and a creature that looks pretty creepy at a glance or in the
shadows but becomes goofy once you get a good look. It all builds to the slowest escape
chase ever, which doubles as a promotional spot for mountain climbing equipment.
This film does boast one impressive innovation: the BinocularScope. We're treated to lots and
lots of shots through Preston's magical binoculars, capable of seeing through walls and
abruptly zooming in. The magic binoculars are even equipped with telescopic audio, able to
clearly hear conversations in the next cabin.
This comes in pretty handy early on, when Preston can check out the half-dozen
thirtysomethings pretending to be twentysomethings having a bachelorette party in the cabin
next-door. It's even more handy when one of the girls gets a face full of margarita, forcing her to
go take a gratuitous shower.
At least this movie knows its audience.
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While that's going on, the farmer from the opening and some of his local-yokel buddies are
drinking brews around the campfire, gearing up for a little late night yeti hunting. One of them,
incredibly, is played by Lance "Bishop in Aliens" Henriksen, and... hold on, I need a minute.
drinking brews around the campfire, gearing up for a little late night yeti hunting. One of them,
incredibly, is played by Lance "Bishop in Aliens" Henriksen, and... hold on, I need a minute.
| Mr. Henriksen: Lance, dude, why are you in this movie? I know you never made the transition from "actor" to "star," but you're still a three-time Golden Globe nominee who starred in your own popular TV series. You're better than this. ~ Nolahn |
| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |