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18-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN
* * (2008, 86 minutes, Unrated)
In which The Asylum tries to pop its teenage sex comedy cherry.
Comedy is hard. Oh, you probably don't think it's hard -- just throw in some dick jokes, some
gratuitous boobies and maybe some turkey bowling and call it a day.
But it's not that simple, is it? Think of all the miserable, utterly unwatchable comedies you've seen
and consider: Those were deemed good enough for national release. So you can imagine what
kind of potential a direct-to-rental knock-off has.
Particularly one by The Asylum, makers of mutant fish films and mockbusters, where the
* * (2008, 86 minutes, Unrated)
In which The Asylum tries to pop its teenage sex comedy cherry.
Comedy is hard. Oh, you probably don't think it's hard -- just throw in some dick jokes, some
gratuitous boobies and maybe some turkey bowling and call it a day.
But it's not that simple, is it? Think of all the miserable, utterly unwatchable comedies you've seen
and consider: Those were deemed good enough for national release. So you can imagine what
kind of potential a direct-to-rental knock-off has.
Particularly one by The Asylum, makers of mutant fish films and mockbusters, where the
 |
filmmakers have swapped out a
40-year-old male virgin for an
attractive 18-year-old female virgin.
Case in point: The entire opening
sequence of 18-Year-Old Virgin
features various characters
masturbating. Depending on your
state of mind, you'll find that sexy or
creepy (notice that "funny" isn't an
option). At nine in the morning, when I
started watching this film, it was most
definitely creepy.
40-year-old male virgin for an
attractive 18-year-old female virgin.
Case in point: The entire opening
sequence of 18-Year-Old Virgin
features various characters
masturbating. Depending on your
state of mind, you'll find that sexy or
creepy (notice that "funny" isn't an
option). At nine in the morning, when I
started watching this film, it was most
definitely creepy.
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| Sadly, The Asylum's super-star, Mega Shark, does not appear in this film. |
It's the last day of school, and bookish good girl Katie is finally getting up the nerve to make a
move on her long-time crush, the guy sporting an unfortunately oily chest in the opening fantasy
sequence. Her Hip Friend convinces Katie to go to The Big Party and "throw caution into the wind."
By which she means "nail Mr. Oily."
move on her long-time crush, the guy sporting an unfortunately oily chest in the opening fantasy
sequence. Her Hip Friend convinces Katie to go to The Big Party and "throw caution into the wind."
By which she means "nail Mr. Oily."
| Sexy time. |
Katie does indeed proposition Mr. Oily at the party, and
in the most business-like way imaginable (a recurring
approach in this film). Amazingly, he turns her down
because she's a virgin. It's revealed that in this film's
universe, teenage boys have the supernatural ability to
determine whether or not a girl is a virgin. An amazing
piece of fiction, don't you think? In case you had any
doubt, I'm here to tell you as a former teenage boy that
they're a pretty thick lot. Not too observant, either.
Speaking of thick, that's nothing compared to the plan
Hip Friend hatches: Have Katie lose her virginity at the
party that night so that she'll no longer be a virgin and
can have sex with Mr. Oily later that night. Katie is
appropriately disgusted... and then agrees to the plan.
in the most business-like way imaginable (a recurring
approach in this film). Amazingly, he turns her down
because she's a virgin. It's revealed that in this film's
universe, teenage boys have the supernatural ability to
determine whether or not a girl is a virgin. An amazing
piece of fiction, don't you think? In case you had any
doubt, I'm here to tell you as a former teenage boy that
they're a pretty thick lot. Not too observant, either.
Speaking of thick, that's nothing compared to the plan
Hip Friend hatches: Have Katie lose her virginity at the
party that night so that she'll no longer be a virgin and
can have sex with Mr. Oily later that night. Katie is
appropriately disgusted... and then agrees to the plan.
Are you laughing yet? I'm finding this all fairly horrifying. Then again, I have daughters.
Hip Friend's opening play: Talking Katie into losing her virginity to dorky Spencer. Poor Spencer
has had a crush on Katie since forever, and promptly makes a mess of his attempt through
traditional teenage sex comedy bumbling. From there, the film limps along from one botched
attempt to the next, featuring some pseudo trantric action, a bit of S&M and an orgy. For the
record, any one of those things occurring at a standard high school party would make it the most
epic high school party ever.
Hip Friend's opening play: Talking Katie into losing her virginity to dorky Spencer. Poor Spencer
has had a crush on Katie since forever, and promptly makes a mess of his attempt through
traditional teenage sex comedy bumbling. From there, the film limps along from one botched
attempt to the next, featuring some pseudo trantric action, a bit of S&M and an orgy. For the
record, any one of those things occurring at a standard high school party would make it the most
epic high school party ever.
| Nice breasts. |
These attempts are broken up with intervals to
humiliate Katie, such as stuffing her bra with raw
chicken breasts (what?) and pubic-shaving
shenanigans.
Okay, the scene with that one pseudo tantric guy
was pretty funny. And giving the talking penis a
French accent was pretty inspired. But otherwise, eh.
If anything, the film starts to feel a bit mean-spirited.
Of course there's going to be some mix-up with the
humiliate Katie, such as stuffing her bra with raw
chicken breasts (what?) and pubic-shaving
shenanigans.
Okay, the scene with that one pseudo tantric guy
was pretty funny. And giving the talking penis a
French accent was pretty inspired. But otherwise, eh.
If anything, the film starts to feel a bit mean-spirited.
Of course there's going to be some mix-up with the
grandpa in a coma upstairs... But having a dozen people walk in on Katie giving Coma Gramps
head (also: WHY?) is just humiliating.
The film ends the only way it could and still be considered a comedy. I guess it's a happy ending.
It's certainly a happy ending for dorky Spencer.
And what of The Asylum? Have they learned that perhaps comedy should be left to the
professionals? Apparently not:
head (also: WHY?) is just humiliating.
The film ends the only way it could and still be considered a comedy. I guess it's a happy ending.
It's certainly a happy ending for dorky Spencer.
And what of The Asylum? Have they learned that perhaps comedy should be left to the
professionals? Apparently not:
Looking for more about 18-Year-Old Virgin? Really? Really? Suit yourself.
Do yourself a favor and check out this review from our friends at:
COOL AWESOME MOVIES
Do yourself a favor and check out this review from our friends at:
COOL AWESOME MOVIES
| '12 Binnie Winner! |