100 MILLION B.C.
* * * (2008, 85 minutes, Unrated)
Because 10,000 B.C. wasn't far back enough in time...
The movie opens with a couple "rappelling" off the top of a mountain... that's clearly a rocky
mound placed in front of a mat painting. Naturally, they're looking for caves. Ms. Rappel
manages to go 20 seconds before her cable snaps.
Don't worry, she falls two feet and lands at the mount of a cave. Inside are ancient cave
paintings, and a giant, completely intact T-Rex skull. Just sitting around in a cave at the top of a
mountain. Wow, that's so much easier than digging for fossils.
The Blockbuster Guy had picked a winner.
In L.A., an elite Search & Rescue team obsessed with checking their wristwatches has been
invited to listen to Alex P. Keaton's Dad recap the plot to The Philadelphia Experiment. Or as
Alex P. Keaton's Dad like to call it, Operation Rainbow -- clearly, a military operation named
pre-Bush Administration.
* * * (2008, 85 minutes, Unrated)
Because 10,000 B.C. wasn't far back enough in time...
The movie opens with a couple "rappelling" off the top of a mountain... that's clearly a rocky
mound placed in front of a mat painting. Naturally, they're looking for caves. Ms. Rappel
manages to go 20 seconds before her cable snaps.
Don't worry, she falls two feet and lands at the mount of a cave. Inside are ancient cave
paintings, and a giant, completely intact T-Rex skull. Just sitting around in a cave at the top of a
mountain. Wow, that's so much easier than digging for fossils.
The Blockbuster Guy had picked a winner.
In L.A., an elite Search & Rescue team obsessed with checking their wristwatches has been
invited to listen to Alex P. Keaton's Dad recap the plot to The Philadelphia Experiment. Or as
Alex P. Keaton's Dad like to call it, Operation Rainbow -- clearly, a military operation named
pre-Bush Administration.
First, a story about how I came across this movie:
I had a rare opportunity to browse through a Blockbuster to pick up a choice film for this
site (the House of Nolahn is based in one of those backwater areas that doesn't even
have a Starbucks). I poked around, pouring over the endless sea of DVD covers. Finally
settling on three choices, I walked up to the counter and was greeted by a Blockbuster
employee who, by the look of him, was going to understand the kind of entertainment I
was looking for.
"Question: Which one of these looks the worst?"
Blockbuster Guy took a moment, closely examining each movie the way a jeweler
examines a diamond. Then he abruptly snatched one of the DVD boxes and chucked it
across the store, crashing into Heath Ledger with an authoritative thwack.
This was not the response I expected. "Uh... yeah. That's the one I'm going to rent."
So I explained The 'Bin. And Blockbuster Guy said, "Oh, then I definitely have the movie for
you." Without any further adieu...
I had a rare opportunity to browse through a Blockbuster to pick up a choice film for this
site (the House of Nolahn is based in one of those backwater areas that doesn't even
have a Starbucks). I poked around, pouring over the endless sea of DVD covers. Finally
settling on three choices, I walked up to the counter and was greeted by a Blockbuster
employee who, by the look of him, was going to understand the kind of entertainment I
was looking for.
"Question: Which one of these looks the worst?"
Blockbuster Guy took a moment, closely examining each movie the way a jeweler
examines a diamond. Then he abruptly snatched one of the DVD boxes and chucked it
across the store, crashing into Heath Ledger with an authoritative thwack.
This was not the response I expected. "Uh... yeah. That's the one I'm going to rent."
So I explained The 'Bin. And Blockbuster Guy said, "Oh, then I definitely have the movie for
you." Without any further adieu...
| (Above) The inspiration for a top secret, bad-ass military project. Also found on textbook covers belonging to eight-year-old girls. |
So back in the '50s or whatever, Alex P.
Keaton's Dad sent his older brother and
others back to prehistoric times... but kinda
forgot to iron out the details to bring them
back. Oops. Alex P. Keaton's Dad spent
the next few decades wallowing in self-pity
and increasingly bad Tremors sequels
until Mr. and Mrs. Rappel found that cave at
the beginning of the movie... which
included a message from the older bro
and references to Rita Hayworth.
The mission: Go back in time and rescue
Older Bro and his team.
Keaton's Dad sent his older brother and
others back to prehistoric times... but kinda
forgot to iron out the details to bring them
back. Oops. Alex P. Keaton's Dad spent
the next few decades wallowing in self-pity
and increasingly bad Tremors sequels
until Mr. and Mrs. Rappel found that cave at
the beginning of the movie... which
included a message from the older bro
and references to Rita Hayworth.
The mission: Go back in time and rescue
Older Bro and his team.
| Rita Hayworth (above) was apparently the '50s version of Jessica Alba. |
I immediately saw a major flaw in this plan, but one
particularly redneck-y S&E guy (probably chosen as
one of the few who could actually act) beat me to
the punch: Why not just go back in time to just
before Older Bro made his trip and prevent him
from leaving? Or tell the '50s Alex P. Keaton's Dad
about his error? Alex P. Keaton blah-blahs about
issues with time paradoxes (fair enough) and that
the Rainbow Device wasn't very accurate and could
pitch them days or even months off of the target
date.
Yes, much better then to go back to a time that's
been narrowed down to "between 65 and 72 million
years ago."
particularly redneck-y S&E guy (probably chosen as
one of the few who could actually act) beat me to
the punch: Why not just go back in time to just
before Older Bro made his trip and prevent him
from leaving? Or tell the '50s Alex P. Keaton's Dad
about his error? Alex P. Keaton blah-blahs about
issues with time paradoxes (fair enough) and that
the Rainbow Device wasn't very accurate and could
pitch them days or even months off of the target
date.
Yes, much better then to go back to a time that's
been narrowed down to "between 65 and 72 million
years ago."
You'll be delighted to know that the time-travelling sequence includes left-over props from Stargate
SG-1 and graphics from TRON. The team wanders around southern Califor- uh, I mean,
"prehistoric Argentina," re-enacting various scenes from better movies like Jurassic Park and
Predator and shooting blanks as poorly-rendered CGI dinosaurs. Just when things look dire, '80s
low-watt heartthrob Christopher Atkins, looking all Sawyer from "Lost" by way of Barney Rubble,
shows up with his posse to take care of business, Clan of the Cave Bear-style. The best part by
far: Atkins shoots an on-coming pterodactyl out of the sky with his bow, and we see a pail-full of dirt
get tossed into the air when the pterodactyl lands.
Not to spoil the rest of the movie, but the survivors do return to the present day... and accidentally
bring a T-Rex with them. Of course, that can't be too much of a spoiler since it's right there on the
movie cover. Naturally, the residents of Los Angeles don't seem to notice the dinosaur storming
around the city.
I'd like to say that Christopher Atkins plays Alex P. Keaton's Dad's Older Bro, but I'm not sure
because whoever did the sound editing on this was clearly drunk: conversations suddenly drop to
mumbles or gets drowned out by the music score, gunfire sounds like the popping of bubble
wrap... you get the idea. And a good chunk of the movie is hard to see due to the poorly shot night
scenes. And don't even get my started on the incomprehensible "twist" at the end -- it'll just make
my brain hurt.
Having said that, there's more than enough wooden acting, terrible effects, Sweded-quality
sequences and cheesetastic slow-motion moments to heartily recommend this clunker.
SG-1 and graphics from TRON. The team wanders around southern Califor- uh, I mean,
"prehistoric Argentina," re-enacting various scenes from better movies like Jurassic Park and
Predator and shooting blanks as poorly-rendered CGI dinosaurs. Just when things look dire, '80s
low-watt heartthrob Christopher Atkins, looking all Sawyer from "Lost" by way of Barney Rubble,
shows up with his posse to take care of business, Clan of the Cave Bear-style. The best part by
far: Atkins shoots an on-coming pterodactyl out of the sky with his bow, and we see a pail-full of dirt
get tossed into the air when the pterodactyl lands.
Not to spoil the rest of the movie, but the survivors do return to the present day... and accidentally
bring a T-Rex with them. Of course, that can't be too much of a spoiler since it's right there on the
movie cover. Naturally, the residents of Los Angeles don't seem to notice the dinosaur storming
around the city.
I'd like to say that Christopher Atkins plays Alex P. Keaton's Dad's Older Bro, but I'm not sure
because whoever did the sound editing on this was clearly drunk: conversations suddenly drop to
mumbles or gets drowned out by the music score, gunfire sounds like the popping of bubble
wrap... you get the idea. And a good chunk of the movie is hard to see due to the poorly shot night
scenes. And don't even get my started on the incomprehensible "twist" at the end -- it'll just make
my brain hurt.
Having said that, there's more than enough wooden acting, terrible effects, Sweded-quality
sequences and cheesetastic slow-motion moments to heartily recommend this clunker.
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| Official entry into the B-Movie Meatloaf! |