THE APPLE (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG) * * *
Warning: Viewing may give you the green apple splatters.
Warning: Viewing may give you the green apple splatters.
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Our Reviews
It's like a very sad cinematic hall of fame.
DEATHSTALKER II (1987, 86 minutes, Rated R) * * * * *
The Bargain Bin Review finds its Gold Standard.
The Bargain Bin Review finds its Gold Standard.
DRACULA 3000 (2004, 86 minutes, Rated R) * * * *
In space, no one can hear you suck.
In space, no one can hear you suck.
HAMMERHEAD: SHARK FRENZY (2005, 92 minutes, Rated R) * * * *
Half man. Half shark. All cheese!
Half man. Half shark. All cheese!
ROCK & ROLL FRANKENSTEIN (1999, 88 minutes, Rated R) --
Warning: This film is not prohibited under the rules of the Geneva Convention.
Warning: This film is not prohibited under the rules of the Geneva Convention.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN (1995, 91 minutes, Rated R) * *
Once upon a time, there was this movie that blew...
Once upon a time, there was this movie that blew...
SASQUATCH HUNTERS (2005, 88 minutes, Rated R) * * *
Apparently sponsored by the Sierra Club.
Apparently sponsored by the Sierra Club.
VAMPIYAZ (2004, 83 minutes, Rated R) * * * *
Suck it, beeotches!!
Suck it, beeotches!!
VOLCANO HIGH (2003, 80 minutes [US Version], Rated PG-13) * * *
Strangely, no volcanoes appear in this film.
Strangely, no volcanoes appear in this film.
BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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Reviewing the movies
no one else will touch.
no one else will touch.
COWBOYS RUN (2003, 83 minutes, Rated PG-13) * *
Yippie-ki-yay, David Hasselhoff!
Yippie-ki-yay, David Hasselhoff!
BLOOD ANGELS (2004, 98 minutes, Rated R) * * *
Also known as Thralls, except no one knows what the hell a thrall is.
Also known as Thralls, except no one knows what the hell a thrall is.
ROTTWEILER (2004, 98 minutes, Rated R) *
The heart-warming story of a man and the killer cyborg dog that wanted to eat him.
The heart-warming story of a man and the killer cyborg dog that wanted to eat him.
ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987, 89 minutes, Rated R) * * * * *
Proof that God gave rock 'n' roll to you.
Proof that God gave rock 'n' roll to you.
ILLEGAL ALIENS (2007, 90 minutes, Rated R) *
By TonyD. "They're here to save the world?" We're screwed.
By TonyD. "They're here to save the world?" We're screwed.
DRAGON STORM (2004, 92 minutes, Rated PG-13) * *
It's raining dragons! Hallelujah, it's raining dragons!
It's raining dragons! Hallelujah, it's raining dragons!
HELL ASYLUM (2002, 72 minutes, Rated R) *
Hell is sitting through this movie.
Hell is sitting through this movie.
THE ELIMINATOR (2004, 90 minutes, Rated R) * * *
Kills nameless bad guys, dead.
Kills nameless bad guys, dead.
MONSTER MAN (2003, 95 minutes, Rated R) * * *
Like Stephen Spielberg's Duel, but without the subtlety.
Like Stephen Spielberg's Duel, but without the subtlety.
!-- SiteSearch Google -->
SANTA CLAWS (1996, 120 minutes, Rated R) * *
The family that slays together, stays together.
The family that slays together, stays together.
BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH
(1991, 89 minutes, Rated R) * * * *
If that title sounds random, that's because it is.
(1991, 89 minutes, Rated R) * * * *
If that title sounds random, that's because it is.
DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS (1977, 80 minutes, Unrated) * * * *
Yes, the title pretty much says it all.
Yes, the title pretty much says it all.
With only a few exceptions, we rate our movies on a 1 - 4 asterisk system. Yeah, that's right:
asterisks. If the movies we're watching can't be bothered with plot or character development or
decent production values, then we're not going to bother having some fancy graphics made up
for our ratings system.
The breakdown looks like this:
* * * * * The Tiger Woods of bad movies
* * * * Get some buddies and some cheap booze, and enjoy.
* * * Yeah, it's pretty bad.
* * It's bad, and not in a good way.
* Crappy with an extra helping of crap on the side.
-- Will make you want to hurt yourself.
asterisks. If the movies we're watching can't be bothered with plot or character development or
decent production values, then we're not going to bother having some fancy graphics made up
for our ratings system.
The breakdown looks like this:
* * * * * The Tiger Woods of bad movies
* * * * Get some buddies and some cheap booze, and enjoy.
* * * Yeah, it's pretty bad.
* * It's bad, and not in a good way.
* Crappy with an extra helping of crap on the side.
-- Will make you want to hurt yourself.
About Our Rating System
SENORITA JUSTICE (2003, 88 minutes, Rated R) * * *
Imagine Steven Seagal in a mid-drift... On second thought, don't.
Imagine Steven Seagal in a mid-drift... On second thought, don't.
MY LITTLE PONY: THE MOVIE (1986, 89 minutes, Unrated) *
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: I don't know what I did to piss you off this time.
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: I don't know what I did to piss you off this time.
SHARK ATTACK (1999, 100 minutes, Rated R) *
By The Wolf. I can't believe there's a film worse than Jaws: The Revenge.
By The Wolf. I can't believe there's a film worse than Jaws: The Revenge.
PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE (1996, 96 minutes, Rated R) * * *
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: He's back... and this time, he's MAD.
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: He's back... and this time, he's MAD.
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE ('88, 86 min, PG-13) * * * *
An Amerikan Klassik
An Amerikan Klassik
| Boogie all June long with these featured reviews! |
FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (2007, 96 minutes, Unrated) * * * *
I have had it with these motherfucking zombies on this motherfucking plane!
I have had it with these motherfucking zombies on this motherfucking plane!
HAWK THE SLAYER (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG) * * * *
Roll a d20 to save vs. cheese.
Roll a d20 to save vs. cheese.
TROLL 2 (1999, 95 minutes, Rated PG-13) * * * *
The best dysfunctional family/road trip/horror movie the beef industry has ever made.
The best dysfunctional family/road trip/horror movie the beef industry has ever made.
THE BREAKDANCE KID (2004, 87 minutes, Unrated) * *
Breakdancing is easy. Comedy is hard.
Breakdancing is easy. Comedy is hard.
TARKAN VS THE VIKINGS (1971, 86 minutes, Unrated) * * * *
Everything is better with a giant octopus.
Everything is better with a giant octopus.
THE DEATHLESS DEVIL (1973, 85 minutes, Unrated) * * * *
Traditional superhero movie, Turkish style.
Traditional superhero movie, Turkish style.
CHEERLEADER CAMP (1987, 88 minutes, Rated R) * * *
"You're a mascot, not a human." - Ms. Pesky Hardass, head of Camp Hurrah
"You're a mascot, not a human." - Ms. Pesky Hardass, head of Camp Hurrah
WARNING FROM SPACE (1956, 87 minutes, Unrated) *
That I found this movie on a compilation DVD should be warning enough.
That I found this movie on a compilation DVD should be warning enough.
NIGHT OF THE LEPUS (1972, 88 minutes, Rated PG) * *
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: "Cry havoc! And let slip the rabbits of war!"
READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: "Cry havoc! And let slip the rabbits of war!"