CRAP OF THE TITANS
Our Pantheon of Box Office Stink Bombs.
Every now and then, the Bargain Bin Review
takes a break from reviewing crappy films that no
one has ever heard of to review crappy films that
everyone has heard of.
These films -- these awful, awful films -- become
something more than just bad, something more
than big budget embarrassments. They've
become legend.
What follows below is an ever-growing collection
of films that are so famously bad, they're
crappiness is nothing short of TITANIC.
takes a break from reviewing crappy films that no
one has ever heard of to review crappy films that
everyone has heard of.
These films -- these awful, awful films -- become
something more than just bad, something more
than big budget embarrassments. They've
become legend.
What follows below is an ever-growing collection
of films that are so famously bad, they're
crappiness is nothing short of TITANIC.
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ISHTAR
* (1987, 107 minutes, Rated PG-13)
American Idol: Morocco
It's not just my taste in films that's horribly askew, it's my taste in music
as well. So like in high school, when everyone was listening to Nirvana
and Metallica non-stop, I was cruising around town in my 1989 Chevy
Chivette blasting the likes of Sandler & Young, Tom Jones and Dick
Contino. Cuz nothing says "bad-assed disenfranchised youth" like
accordion music.
* (1987, 107 minutes, Rated PG-13)
American Idol: Morocco
It's not just my taste in films that's horribly askew, it's my taste in music
as well. So like in high school, when everyone was listening to Nirvana
and Metallica non-stop, I was cruising around town in my 1989 Chevy
Chivette blasting the likes of Sandler & Young, Tom Jones and Dick
Contino. Cuz nothing says "bad-assed disenfranchised youth" like
accordion music.
CATWOMAN
* * * (2004, 104 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Insert your own "hairball" joke.
WARNING SIGN #1: All -- and I mean ALL -- of the promotion for this
film looked jaw-droppingly stupid.
WARNING SIGN #2: The opening credits consist of old newspaper
clippings about cat mummies. Of course. The message is that
Catwomen have been with us since the dawn of civilization, and you've
been too damn busy watching "American Idol" and eating chalupas to
notice.
* * * (2004, 104 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Insert your own "hairball" joke.
WARNING SIGN #1: All -- and I mean ALL -- of the promotion for this
film looked jaw-droppingly stupid.
WARNING SIGN #2: The opening credits consist of old newspaper
clippings about cat mummies. Of course. The message is that
Catwomen have been with us since the dawn of civilization, and you've
been too damn busy watching "American Idol" and eating chalupas to
notice.
SHOWGIRLS
* * * (1995, 131 minutes, Rated NC-17)
Like "So You Think You Can Dance" gone horribly wrong.
The tagline for this movie is “Leave Your Inhibitions At The Door.” I’m
surprised it’s that subtle. Certainly, subtlety isn’t the strong suit of
director Paul Verhoeven (Robocop, Starship Troopers). This is the kind
of film where on a number of occasions, characters seduce each other
with the power of dance. The kind of film where almost all of the main
characters behave in the most erratic and over the top fashion,
because that’s “drama.” The kind of film where there’s a dance-fight.
* * * (1995, 131 minutes, Rated NC-17)
Like "So You Think You Can Dance" gone horribly wrong.
The tagline for this movie is “Leave Your Inhibitions At The Door.” I’m
surprised it’s that subtle. Certainly, subtlety isn’t the strong suit of
director Paul Verhoeven (Robocop, Starship Troopers). This is the kind
of film where on a number of occasions, characters seduce each other
with the power of dance. The kind of film where almost all of the main
characters behave in the most erratic and over the top fashion,
because that’s “drama.” The kind of film where there’s a dance-fight.
CROSSROADS
By Tony D, special to The 'Bin
* (2002, 93 minutes, Rated PG-13)
I didn't make TonyD review this movie, I swear. -- Nolahn
What's so special about this Britney Spears vehicle? If you answered
"nothing," not only are you correct, but you're so correct that I don't even
have to bribe you to give that answer. Crossroads is boring, tiring and
will give you menstrual cramps for the rest of the month, men or women
no less. It sucks. End of story.
By Tony D, special to The 'Bin
* (2002, 93 minutes, Rated PG-13)
I didn't make TonyD review this movie, I swear. -- Nolahn
What's so special about this Britney Spears vehicle? If you answered
"nothing," not only are you correct, but you're so correct that I don't even
have to bribe you to give that answer. Crossroads is boring, tiring and
will give you menstrual cramps for the rest of the month, men or women
no less. It sucks. End of story.
GIGLI
* * (2003, 121 minutes, Rated R)
Five-letter word for "annoying," starts with "G."
...Ah, yes. Now I remember: It was the stink of the 24x7 media whore
machine that was “Bennifer.” Also, this movie poster doesn’t make me
want to watch this movie -- it makes me want to dropkick a baby.
(Legal Note: The Bargain Bin Review does not in any way endorse the
dropkicking of minors.)
* * (2003, 121 minutes, Rated R)
Five-letter word for "annoying," starts with "G."
...Ah, yes. Now I remember: It was the stink of the 24x7 media whore
machine that was “Bennifer.” Also, this movie poster doesn’t make me
want to watch this movie -- it makes me want to dropkick a baby.
(Legal Note: The Bargain Bin Review does not in any way endorse the
dropkicking of minors.)
GARFIELD: THE MOVIE
By Elmore, the Official Cat of the Bargain Bin Review
* * (2004, 82 minutes, Rated PG)
Featuring something to offend everyone.
Here’s how Garfield is described: “In addition to being portrayed as lazy
and fat, Garfield is also pessimistic, sadistic, cynical, sarcastic and
sardonic.”
“Oh,” I told Nolahn, “so except for the fat part, he’s exactly like me.”
“No,” Nolahn replied. “You’re actually funny.”
By Elmore, the Official Cat of the Bargain Bin Review
* * (2004, 82 minutes, Rated PG)
Featuring something to offend everyone.
Here’s how Garfield is described: “In addition to being portrayed as lazy
and fat, Garfield is also pessimistic, sadistic, cynical, sarcastic and
sardonic.”
“Oh,” I told Nolahn, “so except for the fat part, he’s exactly like me.”
“No,” Nolahn replied. “You’re actually funny.”
ADVENTURES PLUTO NASH
* * (2002, 95 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Adventures in Wasting Money
And so: Action! Running! Shooting! The hitmen are stunningly
incompetent in The Future, as they fire off hundreds of shots and all fail
to even hit... a super-spy? A ninja? No, a nightclub owner.
Pluto Nash goes on the run with an aspiring singer (Rosario Dawson)
and his obsolete robot (an extra creepy Randy Quaid), and... aw, who
cares.
* * (2002, 95 minutes, Rated PG-13)
Adventures in Wasting Money
And so: Action! Running! Shooting! The hitmen are stunningly
incompetent in The Future, as they fire off hundreds of shots and all fail
to even hit... a super-spy? A ninja? No, a nightclub owner.
Pluto Nash goes on the run with an aspiring singer (Rosario Dawson)
and his obsolete robot (an extra creepy Randy Quaid), and... aw, who
cares.
ALVIN: SQUEAKQUEL
By The Lovely Mrs. Nolahn, Special to the Bargain Bin Review
* (2009, 88 minutes, Rated PG)
Call pest control.
And it wasn't just the movie that was painful. It was painfully awkward to
listen to an entire theater of fully grown adults laugh and laugh and
laugh at all the "jokes." Kids laughing? I get. But adults should know
better. Their moronic guffaws gnawed away at my nerves to the point
where I wanted to feed each and every one of 'em a haymaker
sandwich.
By The Lovely Mrs. Nolahn, Special to the Bargain Bin Review
* (2009, 88 minutes, Rated PG)
Call pest control.
And it wasn't just the movie that was painful. It was painfully awkward to
listen to an entire theater of fully grown adults laugh and laugh and
laugh at all the "jokes." Kids laughing? I get. But adults should know
better. Their moronic guffaws gnawed away at my nerves to the point
where I wanted to feed each and every one of 'em a haymaker
sandwich.
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME
* * (2007, 100 minutes, Rated R)
A cornucopia of clichés.
Then a bunch of stuff happens. I don't know if it's all about
foreshadowing or establishing character, but it primarily an excuse for
the director to show off a lot of camera tricks, play with color
saturations, swoosh around, trot out the occasional photo negative
transition... Stuff I consider "cinematic masturbation" because it serves
no other purpose than to gratify the director ("Look how Creative I am!").
* * (2007, 100 minutes, Rated R)
A cornucopia of clichés.
Then a bunch of stuff happens. I don't know if it's all about
foreshadowing or establishing character, but it primarily an excuse for
the director to show off a lot of camera tricks, play with color
saturations, swoosh around, trot out the occasional photo negative
transition... Stuff I consider "cinematic masturbation" because it serves
no other purpose than to gratify the director ("Look how Creative I am!").
THE WICKER MAN (2006)
* * * * (2006, 98 minutes, Rated R)
"Oh no! Not the bees!"
Nicolas Cage stars as CHiPs patrolman Edward Malus, largely as an
excuse for Mr. Cage to ride a motorcycle and stop around in big boots.
Malus is on hand for a horrible (and highly improbable) roadside
accident that results in the death of a woman and her bratty daughter.
This makes Malus a Cop On The Edge, which is unquestionably the
best kind of cop.
* * * * (2006, 98 minutes, Rated R)
"Oh no! Not the bees!"
Nicolas Cage stars as CHiPs patrolman Edward Malus, largely as an
excuse for Mr. Cage to ride a motorcycle and stop around in big boots.
Malus is on hand for a horrible (and highly improbable) roadside
accident that results in the death of a woman and her bratty daughter.
This makes Malus a Cop On The Edge, which is unquestionably the
best kind of cop.