January
25
2012
Working Your Core. I know, I know… What’s the deal with including the year, am I right? It’s simple really: I didn’t want you to get this week’s featured film confused with 1972’s Showdown, a western starring Rock Hudson and Dean Martin.
Or the 1940 Showdownstarring Hopalong Cassidy, presumably also a western.
Or the 2011 Korean film Showdown, which presumably is not a western.
Or the 1928 Showdown, which was made before sound was invented.
Or the 1942 animated Superman short “Showdown,” which probably features Lois Lane in distress, some kind of overly elaborate machine to trap our hero, and Superman — a being with powers and abilities to fit any occasion — solving his problems with punching.
**** (1993, 98 minutes, Rated R) Featuring a Master of Custodial Arts
At this point, you’re probably thinking this is just a rip-off of The Karate Kid, but that’s not true. For starters, this is a fantastically cheesy rip-off of The Karate Kid.
GET THE FULL SKIVVY OVER AT THE BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
…or stay here and do some Tae Bo.
January
24
2012
Now with 100% more references to The Room. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 4th Annual Binnie Awards Nomination Special!
[APPLAUSE]
As you know, the Binnies are our anti-Oscar programming to recognize the best of the worst covered by the Bargain Bin Review over the past year. And by “year,” we mean February through January. No, that doesn’t make sense, but neither does a “fiscal” calendar, so whatever.
And now, here to present the nominees for this year’s Binnies is our 2011 Patron Saint of The Bin, Tommy Wiseau!
Oh hai there. As you con see from this pecture of me smeyel-ling, I om very happy to be here.
Doe I have to admint, I’m not such a BIG fon of awaurds… I think, in LIFE, evyone should get an awaurd faur being the best person that they our. I know that, faur me, having to chews between some of deese nominees… it’s so haurd.
I do naught want to peak just one! I do naught!! IT’S TEARING ME APART (LISA)!
Ha ha ha. Sarry for the dramatics, but it’s in my contract to say that line at least once, so I wonted to get it owt of the way. Speaking of dramatics, here is are furst category…
TOMMY WISEAU: Ha ha ha. Deese filmmakers, they our so tricky… But I think that cauming up with something new faur a film genedre is whaut filmmakers are supposed to do. I know that’s what I did in The Room — I took a typical staury with roamance and comedy and I said, “Wow, what if it was like LIFE?” And it was.
TOMMY: I jaust noticed, all of deese nominees? They are so BIG. And, I know that in the movies, they always taulk about BIG and EXPLAUSIONS and very BIG, but sometimes in life, the most impressive things are naught BIG — they’re naught. Like LOVE. Or a snowflake on my nose. Or salt.
TOMMY: Okay, I do naught understand this catergory… Why is it criminal? It should naught be eel-legal to have CREATIVE or imagination. Instead of peaking on deese filmmakers, maybe we should give them a haug and say, “Oh hai. I like yawr imagination.” And the wauld wood be a better place.
TOMMY: Again, I think deese things our hurtful. I thawt this site liked movies. Where is the LOVE?
TOMMY: Okay, I do naught understand this catergory either, but I do understand awktors… Oh, Elezabeth Shue, so beauteaful. I remember the furst time I sauw her, it was in Cawktail, I was in LOVE… And John Haulkes, he was in “Deadwoolled,” so good. Wars Ossie Davis is “Deadwoolled,” too? No? Oh. That show had such good imagination… Okay, I wars just tauld who Adam Scott and Steve Raot our. Wow, they our so FAUNNY! Adam Scott in “Potty Dawn,” so faunny, and I can relate cuz it‘s like life! And Steve Raot in Office Space, with the red stapler, so faunny!
TOMMY: Ha ha ha. Now this is great, because I daunt think olbjets get the recognition faur their performances that I think they shoed. Like that football in my movie, The Room? It was like, evy time we taused the football around, it was like saying to evyone, “Hey evyone, naw we our male bonding!”
TOMMY: I like this. I think evyone shoed be reading.
TOMMY: Let me tell you how I’m feelings: It is hauld to see awl the great people who cauld replace me. “Raldy” Piper, he’s the wrestler with the skirt? Ha ha ha… Wing Wing is so great in Faur You’ll Height Only, so CUTE, I want to put him in my pocket… Gem Kelly, wow. With the karate? Black Belt Jones. Ha-cha ha-cha ha! Ha ha ha… Oh, the paulpet in The Giant Claw, so faunny! And scary, cuz sometimes berds look like that… And, oh! Sam Axe! I like him, he’s so faunny.
TOMMY: Ha ha ha.
TOMMY: Okay, I do naught wont to pull my luck… Is Stephin Sougaul going to shaw up again? I do naught want to be made into sushi like the MEGA shaulk was last year.
So. That does it for this special. Pauls our open now, and you can vote anytime between nawl and Friedday, February 17th. Bye bye!
January
23
2012
With Desperate Chinese Housewives. Friends, I’ll be honest: I have absolutely no idea of what’s going on in this video clip.
It appears to be part of some kind of TV special… a variety show, maybe? Are these television personalities, or just some kind of middle-aged glee club?
Why this song? Is it to prove that putting thing in Chinese makes them better? Because if so, mission accomplished.
Also: Why are they in a giant house? And if you dial the number at the bottom of the screen, will that make them stop singing?
January
22
2012
“When the rule is Might Makes Right, there’s only one thing to do…” Kick people in the face! At least, that seems to be the message in the trailer below for this week’s featured film.
For added fun, keep an eye out for Mrs. Ben Stiller (Christine Taylor), who you might know from such films as The Brady Bunch, The Wedding Singer and Zoolander.
January
21
2012
The Lair Celebrates Its Third Birthday. Can you believe we’re kicking off Year Three of the LAIR OF THE UNWANTED? How awesome is that?
The answer, of course, is “very.” So we’ve put together an action-packed episode for your listening pleasure.
Joining us this time around is the very busy Nick Jobe of Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob as we take on not one, not two, but THREE movies…
The “horror” anthology CREEPSHOW 3
THE NEVERENDING STORY 3, featuring a young Jack Black and his amazing unibrow
… and the deliciously cheesy SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON (as an added treat, I’ve included the German trailer)
That’s a whole lotta bang for your buck right there. We also have a new opening, a big announcement, and still find time to do a little bit of singing. Enjoy!
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January
20
2012
“I’ve been kidnapped by KMart!” This film doesn’t have the name recognition in our collective pop culture consciousness, but I think this might be one of the best comedies to come out of the ’80s.
In fact, I’ve just found out that this film was made by ZAZ — the comedy team that gave us Airplane! and The Naked Gun movies — and was the last movie the three directed together.
How much do I love this movie? I’ll go on record and say that today’s Flashback Friday film is better than anything the ZAZ guys made afterwards (and that includes The Naked Gun films).
Don’t let the dated look and sound fool you — Ruthless Peopleis absolutely brilliant. This clip captures the essense of the story:
FUN FACT: Back in the day, I taught conversational English in Japan, and it was part of our lesson to have the students practice English in role play situations. With the more advanced students, I’d give them the Ruthless Peoplesenario: One student would be the kidnapper, calling to demand randsom for the kidnapped spouse. Then I’d have the other student (unbeknowst to the first student) planning to have his/her spouse killed and refuse to pay the randsom.
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January
19
2012
Joe Donatelli takes one for the team. Television: It’s what’s on your television.
I know I don’t talk about TV very often (unless it’s May), and admit that I don’t watch TV very often. These days, I only watch TV on TV if 1) a football game is on or 2) when the cat sits on the remote control while I’m playing LEGO Star Wars.
LEGO Star Wars on Wii: So much better than the prequel trilogy its based on.
There’s a very good reason for this (how little I watch TV, not why my cat likes to sit on the remote). Don’t tell anyone, but the vast majority of what’s on TV sucks eggs.
Fortunately, there are heroes out there to brave the airwaves… Heroes like Joe Donatelli, Friend of The ‘Bin.
Now, you already know I’m a big fan of Mr. Donatelli’s: He’s a fantastic and funny writer, he hosts a fantastic and funny podcast, and he understands that the key to a winning football team is a great offensive line.
Joe recently launched a new site, The Humor Columnist, which is choc full of good stuff. You should check it out.
More to the point, you should check out this excellent column he recently wrote, where Joe takes one for the team by watching “The Bachelor” — something I know I could never do.
(Hey, I already watch bad movies so you don’t have to — what more do you want from me?)
THIS GUY WATCHED ‘THE BACHELOR’ SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
By Joe Donatelli
The Bacheloris a reality television show about 25 women who vie for the love of one man by drinking until they’ve convinced themselves he’s not an incredible bore. Chris Harrison is the show’s host. At least, I think Harrison is the show’s host. The show might be hosted by a sports coat draped over a chair. It’s often difficult to tell.
CHECK OUT THE FULL ARTICLE OVER AT THE HUMOR COLUMNIST
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January
18
2012
The sum of its parts. This is one of those movie ideas that sounds fantastic on paper… Unfortunately, the film is not on paper.
* (1987, 82 minutes, Rated R) “Surf Nazis! Come out and play-yay!”
This Troma-distributed film is set “some time in the near future,” the kind of near future that’s all junk yards and abandoned lots. The story is that a large earthquake (finally) shook California loose from the continental U.S., and the isolation has caused a huge spike in crime and gang activity. At least, that’s what Jason Soto of Invasion of the B-Movies told me is the backstory – it’s hard to make a lot of sense out of this film.
GET THE FULL SKIVVY OVER AT THE BARGAIN BIN REVIEW
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January
17
2012
Of Corn Porn and Mitt the Ripper.Friends, I am slammed at work today. Body slammed! Alabama-slammah slammed! Oh sure, I had myself a lovely extended weekend, as I am fortunate enough to have a day job that acknowledges Martin Luther King, Jr.: The Day, but I’ve been paying the price for it all day long. Thank a lot, Dr. King!
Because of the extent of my slammadute, I almost didn’t post today. But then I thought, “No, this is exactly the kind of day that I created the Case of the Mondays series for.” I owe it to you — all four of you — to come up with some amusing shenanigans to help you start your week.
And so: Politics.
Generally, I don’t find politics particularly funny. And when I do, it’s usually the kind of funny where my laughter quickly transitions into tears right before I stick my head in an oven.
What I do find funny is Stephen Colbert, whose “Colbert Report” has been the best kind of high-wire act for a number of years now. Just in time for the next election cycle, Mr. Colbert has obviously set his sights on the rediculous campaign finance “rules” we currently have in place. He has set up his own Super PAC — a kind of unaffiliated fund for political action — and used it to junk up the airwaves with absurd political ads like these:
Check out this one, with all the “corn porn”:
And just in time for the traditional South Carolina nastiness, there’s the insinuation that Mitt Romney is a serial killer:
I’m not sure what effect these shenanigans will have on the primaries, but it’s definitely an improvement over the usual tit-for-tat.
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January
14
2012
Hahahahaha! Wipeout! Yes, I know it was just a couple hours ago that I posted the link to our latest review, but the beat goes on here at The Binniverse.
Know how I’d been covering pretty well-known films over the past few weeks? That ends now.
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