BLOGGIN' BIN REVUE

Heart-On for Valentine’s Day: Parting Thoughts

Well, we’ve come to the end of the Bargain Bin Review’s HEART-ON FOR VALENTINE’S DAY MONTH and I have to be honest: Good riddance. 

How did the shortest month feel so long?  Probably with the selection of these movies for my month-long look at “erotic thrillers.”  Here are the films we reviewed this month:

FATAL DESIRE

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

THE ROOM

WITCHCRAFT IV: THE VIRGIN HEART

WITCHCRAFT VII: JUDGMENT HOUR

The only one of those I could recommend with a clear conscious is The Room, which I actually watched back around the holidays.  If there’s anything I learned, it’s this: If the erotic thriller doesn’t star Shannon Tweed, it’s not worth watching.

I'll never forsake you again, Ms. Tweed.

On a quasi-related note, Slate.com recently ran a feature about disastrous date movies and invited readers to contribute what they thought were the worst movies to see on a date (you can check out the whole article here).  I actually haven’t seen all of the films listed there — so many Godzilla movies, so little time — but I certainly can’t argue with the inclusion of Blue Velvet or A Clockwork Orange.

In case you’re wondering — and if you weren’t, you might as well start now — here are my picks for the Five Worst Date Movies:

1. SCHINDLER’S LIST (1993). Yes, Seinfeld beat me to the joke by about 15 years.  But what makes it such a good gag is that this is an unspeakably bad date movie.
2. DUNE (1984). We’re now in an era where a 137-minute film is not unusual, and still, this film feel like it’s days long.  Unless your lady friend has a thing for sandworms, this movie is not date material.
   

   She can ride my sandworm! Har har!

3. Anything by Troma.  Hey, don’t get me wrong — I love me some Troma.  I’ve always said that they’re better at grossing me out than any production with ten times the budget.  And that’s just my point: It’s hard to segue from stomach-churning gross outs to gettin’ it on. 
4. KIDS (1995).  “Hey babe, let’s watch this movie about 14-year-olds giving each other AIDS!” 
5. ROCK & ROLL FRANKENSTEIN (1999).  Not only is this a bad date movie, it’s a bad party movie, a bad rainy day movie, a bad midnight movie, even a bad bad movie.  There are an infinite number of things I’d recommend doing other than watching this film, such as chugging bleach and shaving the enamel off your teeth.  Avoid at all costs.